SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss?
TRACY : I did once. He’d forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
Author: admin
One Wish
Two guys are in a locker room when one guy notices the other guy has a cork up his ass. He says, “How’d you get a cork up your ass?”
The other guy says, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over a lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a Genie came oozing out. He said, “I am a Genie, I can grant you one wish. And I said, “No Shit!”
Engineer in Hell
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter checks his dossier and says, “Ah, you’re an engineer — you’re in the wrong place.”
So, the engineer reports to the gates of hell and is let in. Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day, God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, “So, how’s it going down there in hell?”
Satan replies, “Hey, things are going great. We’ve got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there’s no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next.”
God replies, “What??? You’ve got an engineer? That’s a mistake — he should never have gotten down there; send him up here.”
Satan says, “No way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I’m keeping him.”
God says, “Send him back up here or I’ll sue.”
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, “Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”
The Top 14 Signs Your Father is a Pimp
14> Your name: John
Your brother’s name: John
Your other brother’s name: John
Your sister’s name: Trixie
13> Buys all his clothes at “Dennis Rodman’s House of Cool-Looking Shit.”
12> Current job: Head of the White House Intern Program.
11> Stubbornly maintains he got his pink Cadillac by selling Mary Kay.
10> Comes home from work grumbling about “that damn Roxy in the S&M Department.”
9> When he’s carving the Thanksgiving turkey, says, “$40 gets you the sweetest piece of meat you ever saw, man!”
8> Every time you breast feed, he takes $10 out of your college fund.
7> After you collect for your paper route, he demands his “taste.”
6> Charlie Sheen is your godfather.
5> You’re the only Scout in the troop whose Pinewood Derby car has ocelot seat covers.
4> His most common threat: “Don’t make me slap you — this is my day off!”
3> Like Ward Cleaver, carries a pipe. Unlike Ward Cleaver, shares his pipe with your aunts.
2> Enough about the stable already, where’s the damn pony?
1> Every Christmas and birthday present: Another big-ass medallion.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ]
[ Copyright 1999 by Chris White ]
50 Reasons Not To Buy A Used Sofa
50 Reasons Not To Buy A Used Sofa
The owner says:
1. “That stain was the best fifty bucks I ever made.
2. “Have you had your shots?”
3. “If you find any fingers in there, pack ’em in ice and give
us a call.”
4. “It’s almost dry, but you may need to wring the cushions
out.”
5. “It was a present to my Great Aunt Erma after her bladder
surgery.”
6. “It fell off a truck. At least, I figure it did, since we
found it by the highway.”
7. “You can have those Fritos.”
8. “I once spent ten days tied to this couch.”
9. “It’s non-flammable, unless you really try.”
10. “It should be clean, we hosed it off.”
11. “Watch that spring, it gave me some nasty scars.”
12. “It can even float for nearly an hour.”
13. “You like the smell of beer, don’t you?”
14. “It’s not supposed to fold out, but it will if you push hard
enough.”
15. “I guess olive and orange were popular colors back then.”
16. “It used to be a lot longer.”
17. “You’ll need the brick to keep it level, unless you’ve got a
saw.”
18. “AmVets and GoodWill wouldn’t take it.”
19. “Don’t smoke near it.”
20. “You can hardly tell where they hurled.”
21. “The fire hardly touched this side.”
22. “It only smells this way when it’s humid.”
You make any of these observations:
23. There’s a large red tag on it marked “Evidence”.
24. The cushions begin crawling away.
25. The fabric on the back has been repaired with a “Rebel And
Proud” bumper sticker.
26. The owner asks you to sign a waiver.
27. What you thought was powdered sugar from a donut appears to
be moving.
28. It appears to have reached its present location by being
dragged several miles on its side.
29. The owner appears to be scratching himself rather frequently.
30. The owner seems reluctant to actually sit on or touch it
himself.
31. A tag on the back says “Property of Blessed Hope Mission”.
32. It has its own nickname.
33. More than a dozen people know its nickname.
34. More than a hundred people know its nickname from a story in
the local paper.
35. Someone appears to have constructed a drink holder on the
armrest with a hacksaw, a torch, and a glue gun. 36. There are
mushrooms growing on the back.
37. It seems to generate its own heat.
38. Stuffing is protruding from bullet holes.
39. There appears to be more duct tape than vinyl on the
cushions.
40. It growls when you sit on it.
41. It has a faint smell of ammonia
42. Integral parts of its structure have been replaced with a
garden hoe, a flasher barricade, and the drop gate from a
railroad crossing.
43. The bottom is covered with asphalt and/or straw.
44. There’s a coin slot on the armrest.
45. There are labels in various spots that say “No Step”.
46. The owner occasionally pauses to pick things off of it and
taste them.
47. It appears to have been spray-painted its present color.
48. You hear scampering noises inside.
49. The owner offers to throw in a free:
+ can of Lysol
+ can of Raid
+ flyswatter
+ flea collar
+ ant trap
+ vial of penicillin
50. Under the cushions you find:
+ half a bottle of ketchup
+ empty shotgun shells
+ an entire squirrel skeleton
+ Jimmy Hoffa’s wallet
+ a glass eye
+ ticket stubs from the 1939 World’s Fair
+ the muffler from a ’72 Dodge
Yo mama Osama
Yo mama so ugly she could scare Osama Bin Laden out of hiding.
Why does Bill Clinton wear
Why does Bill Clinton wear women’s underwear on his arm?
Because he is trying to quit.
How Johnny Learned His Numbers
The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers. “Yes,” he said.
“I do. My father taught me.”
“Good. What comes after three.”
“Four,” answers the boy.
“What comes after six?”
“Seven.”
“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your dad did a good job. What comes after
ten?”
“A jack,” says the kid.
Un marica, cansado ya de
Un marica, cansado ya de su estilo de vida, fue a consultar un m�dico con la esperanza de que lo ayudara a cambiar su preferencia sexual.
“Pase. Adelante, se�or Bonilla”, indica el m�dico. “�Conque usted quiere dejar de ser homosexual? Ha venido al sitio indicado, pues precisamente yo he conseguido desarrollar una terapia para que las personas como usted solucionen su situaci�n”.
Entusiasmado, el marica se pone en manos del galeno para que �ste le practique dicha terapia. El m�dico le pide que se desnude y que se ponga ‘en cuatro patas’. En esa posici�n, comienza a pasar su dedo por el borde del ano del playo mientras dice:
“Por la orilla, por la orilla, y se cura el se�or Bonilla…”
Como a los diez minutos exclama el maric�n:
“�Ay, doctor, por el medio, por el medio, que Bonilla no tiene remedio!”
Sexual Advisor
The drinker announced to the bartender, “It seems I’ve been informally named advisor on ‘Sexual Matters’ at my company.””That sounds interesting. Does this mean you’ll be counselling the big bosses on relations with their secretaries?””I’m not sure yet,” he answered.”During a staff meeting, I popped up to suggest a reduction in executive expense accounts and it was after that I was told if they ever wanted my fucking advice, they’d let me know.”
A New Gift
A man went to a gift store to buy his girlfriend a pair of gloves. He had the manager try them on. She said they were perfect, so he had the manager wrap them up. When the manager gave him the gift she accidentally gave him a pair of panties instead. When the girlfriend got the gift there was a note attached to it. The note read:
Dear Honey,
Hope you like the gift. The lady at the store said they were perfect. I had her try them on for me. She looked more like a lady. Oh, when you take them off be sure to wash them because they will be damp at times. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.
Love,
Bobby
PS:I can’t wait to take them off of you. The latest style is to wear them folded in with a little fur showing.
Drunk husband
A woman was sick and tired of her husband’s drinking; so she decided to teach him a lesson. She dressed up like Satan and, when her husband returned home drunk again, she leapt up from behind the couch, screaming.”You don’t scare me,” the man said, looking her over calmly. “I married your sister.”