Author: admin

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandfather in the hospital.
“How are you grandpa?” he asks.
“Feeling fine,” says the old man.

“What’s the food like?”
“Terrific, wonderful menus.”

“And the nursing?”
“Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you.”

“What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?”
“No problem at all — nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they ring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet … and that’s it.I go out like a light.”

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. “What are you people doing,” he says, “I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?

“Oh, yes,” replies the Sister. “Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well.

The hot chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed!”

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert.

Congress said, “Someone may steal from it at night.” So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning department and hired two people: one person to write the instructions and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people: one to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions: a time keeper and a payroll officer, and then hired more people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?” So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget. We have no choice but to cutback overall cost.”

So they laid off the night watchman!

One dark night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. Before long it exploded into flames and an alarm went out to fire Departments from miles around. After fighting the fire for over an hour, the chemical company president approached the fire chief and said, “All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved! I will give $50,000 to the engine company that brings them out safely!” As soon as the chief heard this, he ordered the firemen to strengthen their attack on the blaze. After two more hours of attacking the fire, president of the company offered $100,000 to the engine company that could bring out the company’s secret files.

From the distance a long siren was heard and another fire truck came into sight. It was a local volunteer fire company composed entirely of men over 65. To everyone’s amazement the little fire engine raced through the chemical plant gates and drove straight into the middle of the inferno. In the distance the other firemen watched as the old timers hopped off of their rig and began to fight the fire with an effort that they had never seen before. After an hour of intense fighting the volunteer company had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas. Joyous the chemical company president announced that he would double the reward to $200,000 and walked over to personally thank each of the volunteers.

After thanking each of the old men individually the president asked the group what they intended to do with the money. The fire truck driver looked him right in the eye and said – “The first thing we’re going to do is fix the blasted brakes on that truck!”

These individual quotes were reportedly taken from actual employee performance
evaluations in a large US Corporation.

(1) “Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom…..and has
started to dig.”

(2) “His men would follow him anywhere…but only out of morbid curiosity.”

(3) “I would not allow this employee to breed.”

(4) “This employee is really not so much of a ‘has-been’, but more of a
definite ‘won’t be’.”

(5) “Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a
trap.”

(6) “When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet.”

(7) “He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle.”

(8) “This young lady has delusions of adequacy.”

(9) “He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve
them.”

(10) “This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.”

(11) “This employee should go far…and the sooner he starts, the better.”

(12) “Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together.”

(13) “A gross ignoramus – 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.”

(14) “He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.”

(15) “He doesn’t have ulcers, but he’s a carrier.”

(16) “I would like to go hunting with him sometime.”

(17) “He’s been working with glue too much.”

(18) “He would argue with a signpost.”

(19) “He has a knack for making strangers immediately.”

(20) “He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.”

(21) “When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.”

(22) “If you see two people talking and one looks bored…he’s the other one.”

(23) “A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on.”

(24) “A prime candidate for natural deselection.”

(25) “Donated his brain to science before he was done using it.”

(26) “Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn’t coming.”

(27) “Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it.”

(28) “If he were any more stupid, he’d have to be watered twice a week.”

(29) “If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you’d get change.”

(30) “If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the oceans.”

(31) “It’s hard to believe that he beat 1,000,000 other sperm to the egg.”

(32) “One neuron short of a synapse.”

(33) “Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.”

(34) “Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.”

(35) “The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead.”