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Not the Sexiest Man Alive

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From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 31, 1995

Top Ten Signs You’re Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, “Is it Halloween already?”

9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, “Siskel and ___”

8. The best term to describe you is “super hairy”.

7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.

6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.

5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.

4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, “Oh God, no”.

3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you’re seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

2. Hookers always telling you “Not on the first date”.

1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.

Snake solves problem

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I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain. Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine. What! You’ve never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

Warm Sermon

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On my first Sunday at a new church a woman came out, shook my had and declared that I had preached a “Very warm sermon.”

I thanked her.

The next week, “You preached a warm sermon today,” she declared.

Again I thanked her, feeling very proud.

The same thing the third week, and the fourth, and the fifth.

On the sixth week she declared it to be a “Warm sermon” again and I said, “By the way, when you say I preache a warm sermon, what do you mean?

“Not so hot.” and she walked off

Redneck quickies 30

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You might be a redneck if…

After the divorce you still call your Ex “Cuz”.

You have a bowling machine in your kitchen.

You pick up your girfriend on a bike for the prom.

The Roto-Rooter man calls for backup when visiting your house.

Your grandmother stands up to pee.

A policeman asks for your ID, and you answer, “About what?”

You wake up with chocolate in your ears after spending the night in a fine hotel.

Your neighbor spits grass when he talks.

In the delivery room, your husband says, “That’s worse than skinning a deer!”

You have sworn on your mother’s grave while she is standing beside you.

You refer to your cousin as “my girlfriend”.

You wake up the day after your wedding to find your sister next to you.

You got your tater gun hangin’ over your couch in your living room as a conversation piece.

You’ve ever entered yourself in a “Howdy Doody Look-alike” Contest.

You go to a museum to see the naked babes in the paintings.

Your lips move while reading a stop sign.

One of the options on your truck is a spitoon.

Your house has a kickstand.

You drive around a parking lot for fun.

Your girlfriend has ever called YOUR parents “Ma and Pa”.

Estados Unidos y Colombia quer�an

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Estados Unidos y Colombia quer�an demostrar cu�l de los dos pa�ses era m�s fuerte y decidieron hacer una pelea entre perros para averiguarlo.

Estados Unidos lleva un perro Rottwailer muy musculoso y Colombia se presenta a la competencia con un perro Salchicha.

Cuando comienza la pelea, el Rottwailer es r�pidamente derrotado por el Salchicha colombiano. Entonces uno de los gringos exclama:

“Oh no, no puedo creer esto �Con toda la plata que le metimos a este perro en el entrenamiento y todo?”

Y el colombiano le contesta:

“�Y usted cu�nta plata cree que le metimos en cirug�as pl�sticas a ese cocodrilo?”