Author: admin

Q: Did you hear about the black guy in my family tree?
A: Hes still hanging there.

Valentine’s Cards Guaranteed to Work=======We’ve a date tonight, oh, Valentine! I hope I can stay calm! ‘Cause recently, I’ve only dated the lovely Mrs. Palm.=======Time to choose your Valentine! If I don’t seem up to snuff, another case of Ballantine and I’ll look good enough.=======All around the cobbler’s bench, I’ll chase you like a diesel. How can you tell when I’m ready for fun? Pop! goes my weasel!=======Candy, flowers, diamond rings: all things I can’t afford. I spent my cash on surgery to add inches to my sword!=======Let’s plan a trip to the falls of Niagra! Just me and you and my bottle of Viagra.=======Roses are red I like Spaghetti-O’s. Now what in the world rhymes with “fellatio?”=======You’ve been alone for two years now, and no one has been hittin’. So please be mine, Monica, and do me, like you did Clinton.=======I’d like to play a game with you — I’m thinking Naked Twister. I’ll bring the board and lots of wine. Could you please bring your sister?=======For you, I’ll fill up my boudoir with peace and joy and love. But please don’t ask if I would mind trying on a glove.=======My sugar-lumps, I love you so — you fill me with desire. I’ll still love you even though your hourly rate got higher.=======I promise to be good to you, and never treat you wrongly. (Besides, I’ll make you scream in bed — I’m hung quite like a donkey!)=======My skin is milk white, ’cause I’m online day and night, and my hair is rapidly going. But I’m post-IPO, and I’m rolling in dough — that should get your juices flowing.=======Roses are red, Politicians are sleazy. Will you be mine? (I hear that you’re easy.)=======R U 14F? Beep! You’ve got mail 🙂 But if U R a Fed, Eeep! I’ll get jail :-(=======Roses are red, tulips are yellow. You read me your poems, I’ll show you Longfellow.=======We’re both white trash, bred by the dozen, and now it’s time, to do me, cousin.=======Your assests are delightful. Your beauty’s not debatable. But what I like about you best, is that you’re not inflatable.=======Your skin’s like satin to the touch. Your visage is divine. I long for your embrace so much. (This crap works every time!)=======My silk sheets are cool, My lava lamp’s hot, If you’ll give me ten minutes, I’ll take the wet spot.=======Roses are reddish, and painfully thorny. With your S&M fetish they’ll make you quite horny.=======Valentine, let’s play “Love Basketball” — getting sweaty will be our goal. And I’ll try not to double-dribble as I take it to the hole.=======I’m sure that wine and candles help, when it’s nice girls that you’re wooing. But here’s a tip: Gimme fifty bucks, and we’ll get right to screwing.=======Roses are useless, violets are banal. Let’s skip the head, and proceed to the anal.=======I’m a sensitive man, I cry! I have fun! But get me aroused and I block out the sun.=======I don’t care that you’re short. It’s cute that you’re stout. As long as you’re willing to bang my brains out.=======I’m filthy rich and have no heirs, and I’ve got heart disease. Eleven mil can ease your cares, so get down on your knees.=======Roses are red, violets are blue. 12 inches of throbbing, quivering manhood, is waiting over here for you.=======You can always spot me even in a crowd, but you’d limp, too, if you were this well-endowed.=======My darling, I hope on this Valentine’s Day, you’ll share with me the night that I’ve planned. I ask you to throw inhibitions away — this ain’t my *heart* that I hold in my hand.=======This man would never hurt his soul mate, would he? This man would never cheat on you, would he? This man would never leave your side, would he? Guess what this man is sportin’ for you? Woody!=======Roses are red Violets are wanky I’ve just come in my pants Please pass me a hanky

�sta es una verdad universal:

Un hombre ten�a tres novias. En el dilema de decidirse con cu�l de ellas casarse, les entreg� mil d�lares a cada una para ver qu� hac�an con el dinero.

La primera tom� todo el dinero y se fue a la peluquer�a, se hizo la manicura, la pedicura, se cort� y ti�� el pelo, se fue de compras y compr� lujosas ropas y joyas.

“Lo he hecho por ti”, le dijo cuando lo vio. “Deseo estar muy guapa para ti porque te amo much�simo.”

La segunda tom� el dinero y compr� un est�reo, un Rolex de oro para caballero, un reproductor de CD port�til y unas corbatas car�simas. Cuando lo vio le entreg� todo y le dijo:

“Te he comprado todo esto porque te quiero much�simo”.

La tercera invirti� todo el dinero en la Bolsa. Gan� el doble de dinero, cogi� la mitad y reinvirti� el resto, devolvi�ndole los mil d�lares que le hab�a dado.

“He invertido el dinero para ti, y lo he doblado. Te devuelvo lo que me has dado, y reinvierto lo dem�s para nuestro futuro porque te quiero much�simo”.

El hombre analiz� cuidadosamente todos y cada uno de los comportamientos, sopesando pros y contras de cada una y, tras mucho pensar, decidi� casarse con… �La m�s nalgona!

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, “How long can I keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?”

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I’m so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . .” When they try to get back to the sales process, just continue on talking about your problems.

3. If the person says he’s Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask him to spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions about the company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I’m with Canter and Siegel services… You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? I can’t believe it! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you from.

6. Say, “No,” over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they’re trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don’t have any friends . . . would you be my friend?”

8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood – chicken blood too?”

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh-huh”, “really”, or, “That’s fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn’t give your credit card number to someone who’s a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.” You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How’s business and how’s the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

11. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they would be so kind as to give you their phone number, you’ll call them back. If they say they aren’t allowed to give out their number, ask them for their home number and offer to call them at home. If the person says, “Well, I don’t really want you to call me at home,” say, “Yeah! Now you know how I feel!”