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Meet me half way

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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate that he decides to ask God for help.

He begins to pray… “God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays… “God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays… “My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving.

I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself:

“Joe, meet Me halfway on this, buy a ticket!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Yisman

Medical Records

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A COLLECTIVE FROM MEDICAL INTERVIEW RECORDS WRITTEN BY VARIOUS PARAMEDICS, EMERGENCY ROOM RECEPTIONISTS, AND (WE ARE AFRAID) A DOCTOR OR TWO AT MAJOR HOSPITALS.

The baby was delivered, the cord clamped and cut and handed to the pediatrician, who breathed and cried immediately.

Exam of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.

The skin was moist and dry.

Rectal exam revealed a normal size thyroid.

The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life until 1989 when she got a divorce.

Between you and me, we ought to be able to get this lady pregnant.

The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed.

I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.

The patient lives at home with his mother, father, and pet turtle, who is presently enrolled in day care three times a week.

Bleeding started in the rectal area and continued all the way to Los Angeles.

Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.

She is numb from her toes down.

Exam of genitalia was completely negative except for the right foot.

While in the emergency room, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.

The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.

The patient was to have a bowel resection. However he took a job as a stockbroker instead.

Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches.

Coming from Detroit, this man has no children.

Examination reveals a well-developed male lying in bed with his family in no distress.

Patient was alert and unresponsive. When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room.

Organic Vegetables

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Two men were talking one day.

“My wife asked me to buy ORGANIC vegetables from the market garden.” said the first man.

“So were you able to find some?” the second man, asked.

“Well when I got to the market, I asked the gardener, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

“The gardener said ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.”

The Cure

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Subject: The CureA woman visited her new ‘Managed Care’ doctor at a Health Maintenance Organization. After about 15 minutes with one of the new doctors, she went screaming down the hall. Another doctor stopped and asked her what the problem was, and she explained.The second doctor went back to the first and said, ‘What’s is the matter with you ? Mrs. Terry is 63 years old. She has four grown children & seven grandchildren, and you told her she was pregnant?’The new doctor simply smiled and said: ‘Cured her hiccups though, didn’t it ?’

Twas The Night…-why did I stop there?

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Twas the night before Christmas
And all through the house
There were empties and butts
Left around by some louse.
And the best quart I’d hid
By the chimney with care
Had been swiped by some creep
Who’d discovered it there!

Our hung-over guests
Had been poured into bed
(They’ll wake in the morn
With a God-awful head)
My tongue, cotton-coated,
Hung down to my belt
And only the seasick
Could know how I felt!

My wife – she had long ago
Gone up to bed
While visions of Redskins
Danced in her head.
And I in the parlor
Sat all alone,
I’d unplugged the cat
And put out the phone.

Just then, through a window
Came noise and smells
Like an overturned beer truck
And tinkle of bells!
I sprang from my chair
To see what was the matter
To see what was causing
The smell and the clatter.

When what to my wondering
Eyes did appear
But eight drunken reindeer
And sled full of beer!
With a little old driver,
Nose red as a brick,
I knew it was Santa
As tight as a tick!

Weaving upward and downward
His reindeer they came
While he hiccoughed and burped
And called them by name:
“On Gallo! On Ripple!
We ain’t got all night!
You, too, Manischevitz!
And you, Miller lite!

“Ho Bud! Easy, Boh!
Give Busch there a hand!
Now now, Lowenbrau –
You can go when we land!
Head up for that roof —
Watch out for the wall!
Get going, you guys
We’ve got a long haul!”

So up to my roof
Went his reindeer and sled
But my TV antenna
Hit him right in the head!
And then in a twinkling
I heard Santa swear
So hot that it melted
The snow everywhere!

I could tell in a moment
This guy had no class
For he fell down my chimney
Right smack on his sack!
He was dresed all in fur
From his head to his toes.
Red were his eyeballs,
His coat and his nose.

He had a round face
And toy-filled sack
His breath would have blown
A freight off the track!
He was chubby and plump
And he tried to stand right
But he couldn’t fool me –
He was high as a kite!

He spoke not a word
But went straight to his work
And missed half the stockings,
The plastered old jerk!
Then putting five fingers
To the end of his nose
He gave me the word
As up the chimney he rose.

Crossing my rooftop
He went at a run
Not seeing what one
Of his reindeer had done.
He skidded, and then
Fell flat on his face!
His remarks after this
Were a total disgrace!

Then he got in his sled
And I heard Santa moan:
“Why did I stop there?
Bux’s kids are all grown!”