Author: admin

Making a Women

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A man walks into a building and gets into the elevator. He presses the button for the fifth floor. At the fifth floor the most stunning woman he has ever seen gets into the lift and leans seductively against the wall.

The man doesn’t know where to look and starts to get very nervous.

The woman begins to unbutton her blouse and throws it on the floor. She then takes off her bra and throws it on the floor.

At this stage the guy is getting very nervous.

Then she says “Make a woman out of me”.

He unbuttons his shirt,throws it on the floor and replies – “Alright, iron that.”

An ounce of brains

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A lawyer finds out he has an inoperable brain tumor.

It’s so large, they have to do a brain transplant.

His doctor gives him a choice of available brains.

There’s a jar of rocket scientist brains for $10 an ounce.

A jar of regular scientist brains for $15 an ounce.

And a jar of lawyer brains for the sum of $800 an ounce.

The outraged lawyer says, “This is a rip off! How come the lawyer brains are so damned expensive?”

The doctor replies, “Do you know how many lawyers it takes to get an ounce of brains?”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by calamjo

Definition of Panda

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A panda walks into a bar, sits down and orders a sandwich.
He eats the sandwich, pulls out a gun and shoots the waiter dead.

As the panda stands up to go, the bartender shouts, “Hey! Where are you going? You just shot my waiter and you didn’t pay for your sandwich!”

The panda yells back at the bartender, “Hey man, I’m a PANDA! Look it up!”

The bartender opens his dictionary and sees the following definition for panda: “A tree dwelling marsupial of Asian origin, characterized by distinct black and white coloring. Eats shoots and leaves”.

10 things about PMS

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1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.

2. You’re adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.

3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.

4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.

5. You’re using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says, ‘How’s my driving? Call 1 800 ****”**.’

6. Everyone’s head looks like an invitation to batting practice.

7. You’re convinced there’s a God and he’s male.

8. You’re counting down the days until menopause.

9. You’re sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.

10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.

Marriage in heaven

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A young couple was called to heaven before they could be married. The disappointed groom took St.Peter aside and asked him if it was possible for them to be married.”I’m afraid you’ll have to wait,” St.Peter replied. “Check back after five years time, and if you still want to be married we will talk about it.”Five years passed and the couple came back to see St.Peter. Repeating their request, St.Peter replied,”Sorry, you must wait another five years.”Fortunately after the wait, St.Peter said they could be married. The wedding was beautiful and at first the couple were very happy, but later they realized that they had made a mistake. They went to see St.Peter, this time to ask for a divorce.”WHAT!?” St.Peter asked. “It took us ten years to find a minister in heaven, Now you want us to find a ‘lawyer’?”.

The De-Ranged Cowboy

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Cowboy Joe was telling his fellow cowboys, back on the ranch, about his first visit to a big-city church.
“When I got there, they had me park my old truck in the corral,” Joe began.
“You mean the parking lot,” interrupted Charlie, a more worldly fellow.
“I walked up the trail to the gate,” Joe continued.
“The sidewalk to the door,” Charlie corrected him.
“Inside the door, I was met by this dude,” Joe went on.
“That would be the usher,” Charlie explained.
“Well, the usher led me down the chute,” Joe said.
“You mean the aisle,” Charlie said.
“Then he led me to a stall and told me to sit there,” Joe continued.
“Pew,” Charlie retorted.
“Yeah,” recalled joe. “That’s what that pretty lady said when I sat down beside her.”

The Rabbi in Nidland (pretty silly)

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In a village a long time ago there lived a people called Nids, they were midgets. Every day the Nids went into the fields to farm. But every day a giant would wander though the fields kicking the Nids. So, one day the Nids finally got fed up and went to the town Rabbi for advice. The Rabbi said not to worry and that he’d handle it. So, one day the Rabbi went into the fields dressed as a Nid. Eventually, the giant showed up for his usual routine of kicking the Nids. But when the giant reached the Rabbi he just stepped over him and continued along his way. The Rabbi wondered about this and chased after the giant and yelled, “Hey! I’m a Nid! Why didn’t you kick me?” The giant simply replied, “Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Nids!”

Whispering Boy

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A 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything.
Fearing the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy
answers the phone in whispering voice …

[barely audible] Hello!

(Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911?

[barely audible] “No!”

(Operator) O.K., is your mommy home?

[barely audible] “Yes.”

(Operator) Can I speak to her, please?

[barely audible] “No.”

(Operator) “Why not?”

[barely audible] “Because she’s busy!”

(Operator) “Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?”

[barely audible] “Yes.”

(Operator) “Well, can I speak to him?”

[barely audible] “No!”

(Operator) “Well, my goodness, why not?”

[barely audible] “Because he’s busy too!”

(Operator) “OH, goodness! What’s he busy doing?”

[barely audible] “Talking to the police.”

(Operator) “Oh, so the police are there?”

[barely audible] “Yes.”

(Operator) “Can I speak to one of them?”

[barely audible] “No!”

(Operator) “Why not?”

[barely audible] “Because they are really busy.”

(Operator) “Well, what’s your mom busy doing?”

[barely audible] “Talking to the firemen.”

(Operator) “Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?”

[barely audible] “No.”

(Operator) “Well, goodness, why not?”

[barely audible] “Because they are really busy too!”

(Operator) “Well, what are all of these people busy doing?”

[barely audible] “Looking for me!”

Damn Horse

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A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days.

On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man – can only think of one thing.”

The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.

She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man – going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”

The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What you want?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”