This other guy walks into confession and admits to the priest that he had
engaged in oral sex. The priest being quite new at this confession business
tells the man he doesn’ know what type of pennance to give him for his sin
so he’ll call the Holiness in Rome and ask him. The priest calls the Holiness
and asks what he normally gives for a blow job to which the Holiness replies,
“40,000 lyra”!
Author: admin
The “real” meaning of Personal Ads!
FIRST THE ADS FROM WOMEN
40-ish……………… 48
Adventurer………….. Has had more partners than you ever will
Athletic……………. Flat-chested
Average looking……… Ugly
Beautiful…………… Pathological liar
Contagious Smile…….. Bring your penicillin
Educated……………. College dropout
Emotionally Secure…… Medicated
Feminist……………. Fat; ball buster
Free spirit…………. Substance user
Friendship first…….. Trying to live down reputation as slut
Fun………………… Annoying
Gentle……………… Comatose
Good Listener……….. Borderline Autistic
New-Age…………….. All body hair, all the time
Old-fashioned……….. Lights out, missionary position only
Open-minded…………. Desperate
Outgoing……………. Loud
Passionate………….. Loud
Poet……………….. Depressive Schzophrenic
Professional………… Real Witch
Redhead…………….. Shops the Clairol section
Reubenesque…………. Grossly Fat
Romantic……………. Looks better by candle light
Voluptuous………….. Very Fat
Weight proportional to height………………Hugely Fat
Wants Soulmate………. One step away from stalking
Widow………………. Nagged first husband to death
Young at heart………. Toothless crone
——————————————————————-
THE MALE SIDE OF THE LIST
40-ish……………… 52 and looking for 25-yr-old
Athletic……………. Sits on the couch and watches ESPN
Average looking……… Unusual hair growth on ears, nose, & back
Educated……………. Will always treat you like an idiot
Free Spirit…………. Sleeps with your sister
Friendship first…….. As long as friendship involves nudity
Fun………………… Good with a remote and a six pack
Good looking………… Arrogant
Honest……………… Pathological Liar
Huggable……………. Overweight, more body hair than a bear
Like to cuddle………. Insecure, overly dependent
Mature……………… Until you get to know him
Open-minded…………. Wants to sleep with your sister but she’s not interested
Physically fit………. I spend a lot of time in front ofmirror admiring myself
Poet……………….. Has written on a bathroom stall
Spiritual…………… Once went to church with his grandmother on Easter Sunday
Stable……………… Occasional stalker, but never arrested
Thoughtful………….. Says “Please” when demanding a beer
Well there you have it, truth in advertising!
Jon and Amanpreet
Jon and Amanpreet were in a mental institution. This place had an annual
contest picking two of the best patients and gives them two questions. If they
got them correct, they’re deemed cured and free to go.
Jon was called into the doctor’s office first and asked if he understood that
he’d be free if he answered the questions correctly.
The doctor said, “Jon, what would happen if I poked out one of your eyes?”
Jon said, “I’d be half blind.”
“That’s correct. What if I poked out both eyes?”
“I’d be completely blind.”
The doctor stood up, shook Jon’s hand, and told him he was free.
On Jon’s way out, as the doctor filled out the paperwork, Jon mentioned the
exam to Amanpreet. He told him what questions were going to be asked and gave
him the answers.
So Amanpreet came in. The doctor went thru the formalities and asked, “What
would happen if I cut off one ear?”
Amanpreet, remembering what Jon had said was the correct answer said, “I’d be
half blind.”
The doctor looked a little puzzled, but went on. “What if I cut off the other
ear?”
“I’d be completely blind,” Amanpreet answered.
“Amanpreet, can you explain how you’d be *blind*?”
“My hat would fall down over my eyes.”
Pedigree
George III, having purchased a horse, the dealer put into his hands a large sheet of paper, completely written over. “What’s this?” said his majesty. “The pedigree of the horse, sire, which you have just bought,” was the answer. “Take it back, take it back,” said the king, laughing; “it will do very well for the next horse you sell.”
Partner swapping
Two couples decide to spend the weekend away together at a posh hotel. When they get there, one guy suggests they indulge in partner-swapping as a trial.
After 2 hours of solid sex by the fireside, the guy turned to his new partner and said, “Wow! This is the very best sex I had in years. I wonder how the girls are doing?”
Ssup?
GO TO HELL AND DIE, BUT WHY THE HELL U TROUBLE POOR CHILDREN AND TREAT THEM LIKE DOGS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Government Humor
A US Congressman and his wife were fast asleep when a noise from downstairs woke the wife. “There’s a thief in the house.” she said, shaking her husband.
Groggily, the Congressman replied, “Well, maybe there’s a few in the Senate, but certainly not in the House.”
Rumor has it that Clinton
Rumor has it that Clinton has switched to smoking ciggarettes.
It seems he has decided that cigars are for pussies.
Top Ten Reasons God Created Eve
10. God worried that Adam would always be lost in the garden
because men hate to ask for directions.
9. God knew that Adam would one day need someone to hand him the
TV remote. (Men don’t want to see what’s on television, they
want to see WHAT ELSE is on!)
8. God knew that Adam would never buy a new fig leaf when his
wore out and would therefore need Eve to get one for him.
7. God knew that Adam would never make a doctor’s appointment
for himself.
6. God knew that Adam would never remember which night was
garbage night.
5. God knew that if the world was to be populated, men would
never be able to handle childbearing.
4. As “Keeper of the Garden,” Adam would never remember where he
put his tools.
3. The scripture account of creation indicates Adam needed
someone to blame his troubles on when God caught him hiding in
the garden.
2. As the Bible says, “It is not good for man to be alone!”
And the number one reason God created Eve…
1. When God finished the creation of Adam, He stepped back,
scratched His head and said, “I can do better than that”.
Blondes wish…
A blonde, a brunette and a readhead are stuck on an island. For year and years they live there, one day they find a magic lamp.
They rub and rub and sure enough out comes a geenie.
The geenie says “since I can only give out 3 wishes, you may each have one”
So the brunette goes first, “I have been stuck here for years, I miss my family and my husband and my life– I just want to go home” and POOF she is gone.
The the red head makes her wish “This place sucks, I want to go home too” and poof she is gone.
The blonde starts crying uncontrollably. The geenie says to her ” my dear what is the matter, “I wish my friends were here”
Life’s Lessons.
Some lessons learned in life:
Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
If you have to identify, in one word, the reason why the human race has not achieved, and never will achieve, its full potential, that word would be “meetings”.
There is a very fine line between “hobby” and “mental illness”.
People who want to share their religious veiws with you almost never want you to share yours with them.
And when God, who created the entire universe with all of its glories, decides to deliver a message to humanity, He WILL NOT use, as His messenger, a person on cable TV with a bad hairstyle.
You should not confuse your career with your life, because if you have a career that probably means you have no life.
No matter what happens… somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.
Never lick a steak knife.
Take out the fortune before you eat the cookie.
“The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age, gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers.
You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.
Knock KnockWho’s there?Tunis!Tunis who?Tunis company,
Knock KnockWho’s there?Tunis!Tunis who?Tunis company, three’s a crowd!