Two smart, attractive, well-educated young law graduates, Sally and Edith, were competing for a prestigious job. As part of the job interview each was asked why she wanted the job. Edith answered that she wanted to work for a firm with a reputation of being concerned with truth and justice. When it was her turn, Sally simply opened her purse, took out a rather thin wallet and laid it on the senior partner’s desk. “I want to fatten it up as fast as possible,” she said. Sally got the job. “Lawyer’s creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.
A lawyer named Strange was shopping for a tombstone. After he made his selection, the stone cutter asked him what inscription he would like on it. “Here lies an honest man and a lawyer,” responded the lawyer. “Sorry, but I can’t do that,” replied the stonecutter. “In this state, it’s against the law to bury two people in the same grave. However, I could put ‘here lies an honest lawyer.'” ” But that won’t let people know who it is,” protested the lawyer. “Certainly will,” retorted the stonecutter. ” People will read it and exclaim “That’s Strange!”
On visiting a seriously ill lawyer in the hospital, his friend found him sitting up in the bed, frantically leafing through the bible ” What are you doing?” asked the friend. “Looking for loopholes,” replied the lawyer.
Two probate lawyers were overheard while discussing a current case: It’s such a splendid estate. What a shame to squander it on the beneficiaries.
Q. Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A. If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they
cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.
A lawyer lies dying, has his partner of 40 years by his bedside. “Jack, I’ve got to confess. I’ve been sleeping with your wife for 30 years and I’m the father of your daughter, Hillary. On top of that, I’ve been stealing from the firm for a decade.” “Relax,” says Jack, “and don’t think another thing about it. I’m the one who put arsenic in your martini.”
A doctor and a lawyer in two cars collided on a country road. The lawyer, seeing that the doctor was a little shaken up, helped him from the car and offered him a drink from his hip flask. The doctor accepted and handed the flask back to the lawyer, who closed it and put it away. “Aren’t you going to have a drink yourself?” asked the doctor. “Sure, after the police leave,” replied the attorney.
A lawyer is standing in a long line at the box office. Suddenly he feels a pair of hands kneading his shoulders, back and neck. The lawyer turns around and yells at the person behind him, “What the hell do you think you’re doing?” The man behind him says, “I’m a chiropractor, and I’m just keeping in practice while I’m waiting in line.” To that the lawyer replies, “Well, I’m a lawyer, and you don’t see me fucking the guy in front of me, do you?”
Two lawyers were walking down the street once and this fine woman passed them. One lawyer said, “I’d really like to screw her!” Then the other lawyer said, “Out of what?”
Two lawyers were walking along negotiating a case. “Look,” said one to the other, “let’s be honest with each other.” ” Okay, you first,” replied the other. That was the end of the discussion.
For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with an infant on her lap! “Helen, why didn’t you write when you learned you were pregnant?” he cried. “I would have rushed up here, we could have gotten married, and the baby would have my name!” “Well,” she said, “when my folks found out about my condition, we sat up all night talkin’ and talkin’ and decided it would be better to have a bastard in the family than a lawyer.”
A Hindi priest, a Muslim priest, and a lawyer are traveling across the country together. In the middle of Kansas, their car breaks down, so they push it to the nearest farm to fix it, but it gets dark by then. They ask the farmer if they can spend the night, and he says, ‘Yup. We gots us a guest bed that will hold two of yer, but one of y’uall gonna have to sleep in the barn.’ The travelers agree to this and the Hindi volunteers to sleep in the barn. The lawyer and the Muslim go up to the guest room and start to get ready for bed, but five minutes later, they hear a knock on the door. Its the Hindu, who says, ‘Guys, I was lying down to go to sleep, but then I see this cow near me, and my religion won’t allow me to sleep under the same roof as a cow.’ The Muslim understands, so he volunteers, but five minutes later, when the Hindi and lawyer are getting ready for bed, there’s another knock on the door. It’s the Muslim, and he says, ‘Hey, I’m truly sorry, but I was going to sleep when this pig started oinking near me, and my religion won’t let me sleep near a pig.’ The lawyer finally agrees to sleep in the barn, although a little reluctantly. Five minutes later, there’s another knock on the door. It’s the cow and pig.
A bus load of Lawyers is traveling down a deserted road. Suddenly it swerves into a field and hits a tree, and catches fire. The owner of the field, a farmer, run up, surveys the scene, and buries all the lawyers. A week later, two policemen are traveling down that same road and notice the wreckage. They run up to the house and ask what happened. “A busload of lawyers crashed into the tree and the bus caught fire” replied the farmer. “But what happened to all the lawyers?!” asked the policeman. “I buried them,” The farmer said. “They were all dead?” cried the officer. “Some of them said they weren’t,” replied the farmer, “but you know that lawyers are very good at lying.”
A lawyer passes away and being the worst in his defense to his clients ends up at Satan’s door, upon his arrival he was greeted by Satan himself, looking at Satan he asks, “why am I here?” Satan replies, “do you remember all the people you misrepresented and still took their money”, though quite stunned the lawyer answers “well, yes ok so”, well Satan adds “don’t worry it will be fun here.” “And how so,” the lawyer asks. Satan replies “you look like a man who likes to have fun, right?” “Yes” he answers. “well we have daily scheduled events Monday through Friday. Mondays everyone gets to eat all kinds of food and you like that?” “Yes” he answers. “Tuesdays everyone drinks what ever they like no limit,” the lawyer looks amazed, and can not believe he is in hell. So Satan adds “do you like women?” The attorney says “why hell yes.” “Well then your going to love Wednesdays” he adds, “see not so bad so far. Well now for Thursday we offer a repeat of any of the previous days activities and you get to choose which day to repeat,” “WOW,” exclaimed the shocked attorney, finally Satan asks now for Fridays, “oh by the way, you wouldn’t happen be gay would you?” The stunned attorney said “No!” Satan says “oh too bad your going to hate Fridays.”
A drunk stands up in a bar and shouts, “All Lawyers are scum bags”. Another drunk stands up and yells, “Hey, I resent that remark”. The first drunk yells. “Why are you a lawyer”. “No”, said the second drunk, “I’m a scumbag”.
A woman and her little girl were visiting the grave of the little girl’s grandmother. On their way through the cemetery back to the car, the little girl asked, “Mommy, do they ever bury two people in the same grave?” “Of course not, dear.” replied the mother, “Why would you think that?” “The tombstone back there said ‘Here lies a lawyer and an honest man.'”
A group of terrorists hijacked a plane full of lawyers. They called down to ground control with their list of demands and added that if their demands weren’t met, they would release one lawyer every hour.