Three men were trekking through the desert and came across a magician. The magician was standing at the top of a slide. The magician than said, ”You may each go down the slide, asking for a drink. When you reach the bottom of the slide you shall land in a huge glass of that drink. The first man went down yelling, ”Beerrr!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of beer. The second guy went down the slide yelling,”lemonadeee!!!” Plop! He landed in a glass of lemonade. The third guy went down the slide yelling ”wheeeeeeeee!!!”’
Author: admin
So hot!
It was so hot that Michael Jackson went out for ice cream by himself!
Underage?
A hot shot East Coast newspaper reporter was on assignment in Arkansas, when he struck up a conversation with a young lady in a bar. After a half dozen drinks, he suggested they get their own bottle and retire to his motel room, and she readily agreed.”Say, how old are you anyway?” the reporter asked as the obviously young lass was disrobing.”Thirteen,” she replied with a shy smile.”Thirteen ??? My God, girl !!! You get those clothes back on at once at get the hell outta here ! Are you crazy ?” he thundered.Pausing briefly at the door as she left, the perplexed nymphet smiled and said, “Superstitious, huh ?”
Adam and Eve
A Brit, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.
“Look at their reserve, their calm,” muses the Brit.
“They must be British.”
“Nonsense,” the Frenchman disagrees. “They’re naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French.”
“No clothes, no shelter,” the Russian points out, “they have only an apple to eat, and they’re being told this is paradise.
They are Russian!”
It Doesn’t Work Like That
A truck driver was going south on I-75, when he came upon a weight station.
When he pulled in and got on the scales to be weighed, the scale master told the
driver that he was 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver replied, I can take
care or that. The scale master asked him how he could fix the problem. The
driver said, let me go around back, and I’ll fix the overweight problem. The
scale master agreed to let him fix his problem. About half an hour later the
truck driver got back on the scales, and the scale master said, driver, you are
still 900lbs. over weight. The truck driver said, I don’t understand what went
wrong. I let 50lbs. out of each tire on the rig. After thinking the problem over
the scale master said, well 18 tires times 50lbs. would equal 900lbs. I guess my
scales must be wrong. I’m sorry driver, you may continue on down the road, and
have a nice day.
What do you call a b
What do you call a blonde with pig tails? A blow job with handlebars.
A Moron is a Moron
A first grade teacher explains to her class that she is an American. She asks her students to raise their hands if they were American too. Not really knowing why but wanting to be like their teacher, their hands explode into the air like flashy fireworks. There is, however, one exception. A girl named Kristen has not gone along with the crowd. The teacher asks her why she has decided to be different. “Because I am not an American” Kristen replies. “Then,” asks the teacher, “what are you?” “I’m a proud Canadian,” boasts the little girl. The teacher is a little perturbed now, her face slightly red. She asks Kristen why she is a Canadian. “Well, my mom and dad are Canadians, so I’m a Canadian too.” The teacher is now angry. “That’s no reason,” she says loudly. “What if your mom was a moron, and your dad was a moron. What would you be then?” A pause, and a smile, “Then,” says Kristen, “I’d be an American.”
Fascinate in a Sentence
During a political debate the politicians were asked to use the word
“fascinate” in a sentence.
The first one, a democrat, came up with an answer right away. He said, “One of
my hobbies is painting, and no matter if I paint with water colors, or oils I
always fascinate people with my work.”
The second politician, the republican, said “My grandfather was a magician,
and when ever he performed a trick be it with cards, or hoops, or magic balls he
would always fascinate us.”
The third politician, an independent, said “I don’t know if I can do that.”
The MC of the debate said, “Go ahead take a couple of minutes then give it
your best.”
The third politician thought for a while then said, “I know this gal, one time
she went to the store to buy a new blouse. The blouse had ten buttons on it, but
when she went to button it her boobs were so big that she could only fasten
eight.”
The FBI, CIA, LAPD,
The LAPD, the FBI, & the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals.
The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.
The LAPD goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling, “Okay, okay, I’m a rabbit, I’m a rabbit!”
Guide to Safe Fax
Q: DO I HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO HAVE SAFE FAX?
A: Although married people fax quite often, there are many single people who fax complete strangers every day.
Q: MY PARENTS SAY THEY NEVER HAD FAX WHEN THEY WERE YOUNG AND WERE ONLY ALLOWED TO WRITE MEMOS TO EACH OTHER UNTIL THEY WERE TWENTYONE. HOW OLD DO YOU THINK SOMEONE SHOULD BE BEFORE THEY CAN FAX?
A: Faxing can be performed at any age, once you learn the correct procedure.
Q: IF I FAX MYSELF, WILL I GO BLIND?
A: Certainly not, as far as we can see.
Q: THERE IS A PLACE ON OUR STREET WHERE YOU CAN GO AND PAY FOR FAX. IS THIS LEGAL?
A: Yes. many people have no other outlet for their fax drives and Must pay a “professional” when their needs to fax become too great.
Q: SHOULD A COVER ALWAYS BE USED FOR FAXING?
A: Unless you are really sure of the one you’re faxing, a cover sheet should be used to insure safe fax.
Q: WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I INCORRECTLY DO THE PROCEDURE AND I FAX PREMATURELY?
A: Don’t panic. Many people prematurely fax when they haven’t faxed in a long time. Just start Over; Most people won’t mind if you try again.
Q: I HAVE A PERSONAL AND BUSINESS FAX. CAN TRANSMISSIONS BECOME MIXED UP?
A: Being bi-faxual can be confusing, but as long as you use a cover with each one, you won’t transmit anything You’re not supposed to.
Larry’s First Day
On little Larry’s first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon as the teacher came into the room and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in third grade!’
The teacher looked at little Larry’s records and told him to please take his seat. Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, ‘I don’t belong here, I should be in the third grade!’
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and the teacher explained Larry’s problem. The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of.
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions… ‘What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?’ asked the teacher.
‘Legs!’ Larry immediately replied.
‘What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn’t?’ asked the teacher.
‘Pockets!’ said Larry.
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, ‘Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!’
Entra un perro a una
Entra un perro a una oficina con un peri�dico en el hocico. Cuando intentan sacarlo, pone el peri�dico en el suelo y se�ala con una pata un anuncio:
“Solicitamos empleado que sepa escribir a m�quina, experto en Visual Basic y hable varios idiomas. Igualdad de oportunidades: no importa raza, edad o sexo”.
Entendiendo que el animal va en busca de trabajo, lo llevan con el jefe de personal. Este le advierte:
“Sabes, nosotros ten�amos en mente a alguien distinto…”
“�Guau!”, ladra el perro se�alando con su pata la parte del anuncio que dice igualdad de oportunidades.
“Bueno, pero es que el aspirante debe saber escribir a m�quina…”
El can se dirige al escritorio en el que est� la computadora; se trepa a una silla y empieza a teclear con las patas. En pocos minutos sale de la impresora una carta de negocios perfectamente redactada y sin una sola falta de ortograf�a.
“Est� bien, pero es necesario que el aspirante sea experto en Visual Basic”.
El sabueso pone una pata sobre el Mouse y utiliza otra para teclear. En pocos minutos elabora una base de datos perfectamente estructurada y sin un solo error. El jefe de personal, desesperado, se dirige al perro:
“Es que sucede que el aspirante debe hablar varios idiomas…”
El animal se acerca al jefe de personal y comienza:
“Miau…”