An extremely old man visits his doctor and tells him, “I need my sex drive lowered.”
The doctor, incredulous, says, “What??
You want your sex drive _lowered_??”
To which the old man replies, “It’s all in my head;
I need it LOWERED!”
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Fish
What does a fish use to get high? Seaweed!
Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor
Steals Clock, Faces Time Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff Old School Pillars are Replaced by Alumni Bank Drive-in Window Blocked by Board Whatever Their motives, Moms Who Kill Kids still Shock Us: Holland Sentinal, date unknown.
Three Irish Men
There are three irish men walking down the street when a leprechun comes and talks to them.he points to a bridge and says ,”if you jump off that bridge and shout the something the puddle on the other side will turn in to it.”so the first man shouts,chocolate,and sure enough it turns in to it.the second man shouts ,money,and again it happened.the third man was just about to jump when slipped and said”shit!”.now guess what the puddle turned it to?
Yo mama’s hair is so short
Yo mama hair so short when she braided it they looked like stiches.
Redneck quickies 32
You might be a redneck if…
Your clawfoot bathtub sometimes serves as a hospital for injured fowl.
You have ever come home and heard a ruckus in the bathroom. When you looked in, one of the injured fowl had escaped, found the chicken in the mirror, and was currently fighting with said chicken.
There have ever been any gun parts, magazines, or ammunition stored on the window ledge of your kitchen. Particularly if they have if they have laid there long enough for the sun to bleach the paper on the shotgun shells.
Any part of your driveway has ever been unusable due to nesting fowl.
One or more doors to your house or trailer are periodically unusable due to nesting fowl.
The neighborhood dogs are afraid to come around your house because the fowl are big enough to hurt them.
You have ever had to climb up on the roof of an out building to get down any fowl that was frozen to the roof.
You have ever worried more about the outbuildings freezing than your vehicles.
You have ever had deer graze in your front yard close enough to the house that you could throw a rock and hit them.
You have ever dug up your driveway to fix your water line.
You have ever had to get up quickly in the morning in order to let the goat out before she dropped raisins on the kitchen floor.
Your wife is the only one that the geese will allow into the laundry room.
Any of your children learned to make very realistic animal noises before they learned to talk.
You have to stop a leak in your flatbottom boat with gum and chewing tobacco.
You have to pay your hair care professional in weekly installments of $3.00.
You live close enough to town to get garbage service, but don’t use it because they won’t come down your driveway to get it.
The fellows on the big garbage moving equipment recoginze your wife…. and wave to her.
Your wife picks thru your garbage cans looking for any bait that may have grown in them since the last time you went.
You have ever removed the 3-9 zoom scope from your deer rifle to use at a KISS concert.
You have more than 2 used pampers rolling around in the back of your truck.
An Atheist
An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska, admiring
all that evolution had created. “What majestic trees! What a powerful
river! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself. As he was
walking alongside the river, he heard a rustling in the bushes behind
him. Turning to look, he saw a 13-foot Kodiak brown bear beginning
to charge towards him. He ran as fast as he could down the path. He
looked over his shoulder and saw that the bear was rapidly closing
on him. Somehow, he ran even faster, so scared that tears came to his
eyes. He looked again and the bear was even closer. His heart pounding
in his chest, he tried to run faster yet. But alas, he tripped and
fell to the ground. As he rolled over to pick himself up, the bear was
right over him, reaching for him with its left paw and raising its
right paw to strike him.
“OH MY GOD! …”
Time stopped.
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
Even the river stopped moving …
As a brilliant light shone upon the man; a thunderous voice came from
all around…
“YOU DENY MY EXISTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS, TEACH OTHERS THAT I DON’T
EXIST AND EVEN CREDIT CREATION TO SOME COSMIC ACCIDENT. DO YOU EXPECT
ME TO HELP YOU OUT OF THIS PREDICAMENT? AM I TO COUNT YOU AS A
BELIEVER?”
Difficult as it was, the atheist looked directly into the light and
said, “It would be hypocritical to ask to be a Christian after all
these years, but perhaps you could make the bear a Christian?”
“VERY WELL.” Said God.
The light went out.
The river ran.
The sounds of the forest resumed.
… And the bear dropped down on his knees, brought both paws
together, bowed his head and spoke: “Lord, thank you for this food
which I am about to receive.”
100 White People
100 years when 100 white people chase a black man it was called KKK. What is it called today?The PGA
Shit hits the fan
A man walks into a bar. “Gimme a double, before the shit hits the fan.”
A few minutes later, same thing. “Gimme a beer before the shit hits the fan.”
This goes on for an hour or so.
Finally the Bartender goes up to him and says, “Listen buddy, maybe you should pay before you get another drink.”
“Oops, the shit just hit the fan.” He replied.
Bear With Me….
A very wealthy lawyer vacationed for several weeks each year at his summer
home in the backwoods of Maine. Each summer, he would invite friends to come to
visit him.
One summer he invited a lawyer from the Czech Republic to visit. The friend,
eager to see how a wealthy American vacationed, gratefully agreed. They had a
wonderful vacation, and spent a great deal of time exploring the woods and
enjoying the natural setting.
One morning, as the lawyer and his Czech friend were walking through the
woods, they were approached by two huge bears — a male and a female. The lawyer
noticed them in time to run for cover. His friend, however, was not so lucky.
The male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
Seeing this, the lawyer ran to his Mercedes and sped for the nearest town to
get the local sheriff. The sheriff grabbed a high-powered rifle and they raced
back to the berry patch. Luckily, the bears were still there.
“He’s in THAT one!” cried the lawyer, pointing at the bear that had consumed
his friend. “Quick — shoot it. Maybe we can still save my friend!”
The sheriff looked at the bears, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot
the female. His aim was true, and the female bear collapsed to the ground. The
startled male fled into the woods.
“Why did you do that?” demanded the lawyer, “I said he was in the other bear!”
“Exactly,” replied the sheriff. “Would YOU believe a lawyer who told you
that the Czech was in the male?
Coldest Igloo
There were three Eskimos in Alaska, and one time while they were at their local bar, they got to talking about how cold it was outside, and how cold their igloos were. They could agree on everything but whose igloo was the coldest, so they decided to determine who, indeed, had the coldest igloo.They went to the first Eskimo’s igloo, where he said “Watch this!” and poured a cup of water into the air. Well, the water froze in mid-air and fell onto the floor solid. “Not bad” said the other Eskimos, but each maintained their igloo was colder still.So they went to the second Eskimo’s igloo, and he said “Watch this!” and took a big breath and exhaled, whereupon his breath froze into a big lump and fell to the floor.”Wow, that’s colder than mine!”said the first Eskimo.But the third Eskimo exclaimed his was colder still. So they ended up at the third Eskimo’s igloo. He said “Watch this!” and went into the bedroom, threw back the thick furs, and retrieved one of several small balls of ice there. He took it, put it in a spoon, and held a match under it. When it heated up enough, it went “FFFAAAARRRRTTT”.
Alex Ferguson and God
Q: What’s the difference between Alex Ferguson and God?
A: God doesn’t think he’s Alex Ferguson.