Damn Horse

A bunch of Indians capture a cowboy and bring him back to their camp to meet the chief. The chief says to the cowboy, “You going to die. But we sorry for you, so give you one wish a day for three days.

On sundown of third day, you die. What is first wish?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse.”

The Indians get his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse’s ear and whispers something, then slaps the horse on the ass. The horse takes off. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked blonde. She jumps off the horse and goes into the teepee with the cowboy.

The Indians look at each other, figuring, “Typical white man – can only think of one thing.”

The second day, the chief says, “What your wish today?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

The Indians bring him his horse. The cowboy leans over to the horse and whispers something in the horses ear, then slaps it on the ass. Two hours later, the horse comes back with a naked redhead.

She gets off and goes in the teepee with the cowboy. The Indians shake their heads, figuring, “Typical white man – going to die tomorrow and can only think of one thing.”

The last day comes, and the chief says, “This your last wish, white man. What you want?”

The cowboy says, “I want to see my horse again.”

The indians bring him his horse. The cowboy grabs the horse by both ears, twists them hard and yells, “Read my lips! POSSE, damn it! P-O-S-S-E!”

Seeing Eye Dogs

A man goes to a bar with his dog. He goes up to the bar and asks for a drink. The bartender says “You can’t bring that dog in here!” The guy, without missing a beat, says “This is my seeing-eye dog.” “Oh man, ” the bartender says, “I’m sorry, here, the first one’s on me.” The man takes his drink and goes to a table near the door.

Another guy walks in the bar with a Chihuahua. The first guys sees him, stops him and says “You can’t bring that dog in here unless you tell him it’s a seeing-eye dog.” The second man graciously thanks the first man and continues to the bar. He asks for a drink. The bartender says “Hey, you can’t bring that dog in here!”

The second man replies “This is my seeing-eye dog.” The bartender says, “No, I don’t think so. They do not have Chiwauas as seeing-eye dogs.” The man pauses for a half-second and replies “What?!?! They gave me a Chihuahua?!?”

True story from a Novel Netware SysOp:

Caller: “Hello, Is this tech support?�
Tech: “Yes, It is. How may I help you?”
caller: “The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty
period. How do I go about getting that fixed?”
Tech: “Did you say a Cup holder?�
caller: “Yes! It is attached to the front of my computer”
Tech:”Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped, it�s because I am. Did you
receive this as part of a promotional,at a trade show?”
caller: “It came with my computer, I don’t know anything about a promotional,
and it just has 4 X on it.”
At this point the tech rep had to mute the caller because he couldn’t stand it
He was laughing too high. The caller had been using the load drawer of CD-ROM
drive as a cup holder and snapped it off the drive.

Not the Sexiest Man Alive

From David Letterman – Tuesday, January 31, 1995

Top Ten Signs You’re Not The Sexiest Man Alive

10. When people see you, they often ask, “Is it Halloween already?”

9. You appear in TV Guide crossword puzzle with the clue, “Siskel and ___”

8. The best term to describe you is “super hairy”.

7. You parachuted into Super Bowl with a dog and a bag of pretzels.

6. Photos of you used as a birth-control device.

5. You take a stroll and the local zoo is flooded with calls about an escaped orangutan.

4. As you walk toward rack of Speedos, you hear clerks murmuring, “Oh God, no”.

3. Your name is Tom Wilkins and you’re seated in the 6th row of the Ed Sullivan Theater.

2. Hookers always telling you “Not on the first date”.

1. Richard Simmons never follows you home.

Whispering Boy

A 911 operator gets a call one evening but nobody says anything.
Fearing the worst, the operator calls back, and a little boy
answers the phone in whispering voice …

[barely audible] Hello!

(Operator) Hello little boy. Did you just call 911?

[barely audible] “No!”

(Operator) O.K., is your mommy home?

[barely audible] “Yes.”

(Operator) Can I speak to her, please?

[barely audible] “No.”

(Operator) “Why not?”

[barely audible] “Because she’s busy!”

(Operator) “Oh, OK. Is your daddy home then?”

[barely audible] “Yes.”

(Operator) “Well, can I speak to him?”

[barely audible] “No!”

(Operator) “Well, my goodness, why not?”

[barely audible] “Because he’s busy too!”

(Operator) “OH, goodness! What’s he busy doing?”

[barely audible] “Talking to the police.”

(Operator) “Oh, so the police are there?”

[barely audible] “Yes.”

(Operator) “Can I speak to one of them?”

[barely audible] “No!”

(Operator) “Why not?”

[barely audible] “Because they are really busy.”

(Operator) “Well, what’s your mom busy doing?”

[barely audible] “Talking to the firemen.”

(Operator) “Can I speak to one of the firemen then, please?”

[barely audible] “No.”

(Operator) “Well, goodness, why not?”

[barely audible] “Because they are really busy too!”

(Operator) “Well, what are all of these people busy doing?”

[barely audible] “Looking for me!”

The Rabbi in Nidland (pretty silly)

In a village a long time ago there lived a people called Nids, they were midgets. Every day the Nids went into the fields to farm. But every day a giant would wander though the fields kicking the Nids. So, one day the Nids finally got fed up and went to the town Rabbi for advice. The Rabbi said not to worry and that he’d handle it. So, one day the Rabbi went into the fields dressed as a Nid. Eventually, the giant showed up for his usual routine of kicking the Nids. But when the giant reached the Rabbi he just stepped over him and continued along his way. The Rabbi wondered about this and chased after the giant and yelled, “Hey! I’m a Nid! Why didn’t you kick me?” The giant simply replied, “Silly Rabbi! Kicks are for Nids!”