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Dirty Pictures

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A man goes to a Psychologist and says, “Doc I got a real problem. I can’t stop thinking about sex.”

The Psychologist replies, “Well let’s see what we can find out,” as he pulled out his ink blots.

Showing the man the first ink blot he asks, “What is this a picture of?”

The man turns the picture upside down then turns it around and states, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologist replies with, “very interesting.” He shows the next picture. “And what is this a picture of?”

The man looks at it, turning it in different directions then says, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologists resumes with the third ink blot and asks, “What is this a picture of?”

Again the patient turns it in all directions and replies, “That’s a man and a woman on a bed making love.”

The Psychologist states, “Yes, you do seem to be obsessed with sex.”

“Me!?” demands the patient. “You’re the one who keeps showing me the dirty pictures!”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Christine and Curtis

10 Things In Golf Th

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1. Look at the size of his putter.2. Oh, dang, my shaft’s all bent.3. You really wacked the hell out of that sucker.4. After 18 holes I can barely walk.5. My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good grip.6. Lift your head and spread your legs.7. You have a nice stroke, but your follow through leaves a lot to be desired.8. Just turn your back and drop it.9. Hold up. I’ve got to wash my balls.10. Damn, I missed the hole again.

WEALTH, WISDOM OR BEAUTY

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An angel appears at a faculty meeting and tells the dean that in return for
his unselfish and exemplary behavior, the Lord will reward him with his choice
of infinite wealth, wisdom, or beauty.
Without hesitating, the dean selects infinite wisdom.
“Done!” says the angel, and disappears in a cloud of smoke and a bolt of
lightning.
Now, all heads turn toward the dean, who sits surrounded by a faint halo of
light. At length, one of his colleagues whispers, “Say something.”
The dean sighs and says, “I should have taken the money.”

My God Your Ugly

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Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess, “My God, you’re ugly, aren’t you!”His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. “You naughty boy!” she screamed, “How can you say to your aunt that she’s ugly! You go right in and apologize to her! Tell her you’re sorry!”Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said, “Aunt Tess, I am sorry you’re so ugly.”

Leaving Her…

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Pierre, Marie, and their six children lived in a log cabin on the edge of a lake in northern Quebec. One day, Pierre decided he had had enough and set out across the lake in his canoe.Seeing this, Marie hollered out to him, “Pierre, what are you doing?”Pierre replied “Woman, I’m leaving you!”Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our marriage?”Pierre replied “To hell with the marriage. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful cabin?”Pierre replied “To hell with the cabin. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Marie hollered “But Pierre, what about our beautiful children?”Pierre replied “To hell with the children. Woman, I’m leaving you!” He kept paddling across the lake.Then Marie hikes up her skirt, points to her crotch and hollers, “But Pierre, what about this?”As Pierre slowly turns the canoe around he mumbles, “Someday I’m going to leave that damn woman.”

More Borg-asm’s

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I am Clinton of Borg. You will not really be assimilated, exactly…I am Janet Reno of Borg. Resisters will be barbecued. Waco is irrelevant.I am Stephanopolous of Borg. It’s not assimilation, it’s diversity…I am Hillary of Borg. Prepare to be … uh, I don’t recall.I am Madonna of Borg. Resistance turns me on.I am Kojak of Borg. Who loves to assimilate ya, baby.I am Ginsu of Borg. You WILL be ASSIMILATED, but wait! That’s not all!I am Hamlet, of Borg! Prepare to be…or not to be…I am Oprah of Borg. So, why did you assimilate your husband?I am Lancelot of Borg. Resistance is feudal.I am Haskell of Borg. You resist well, Mrs. Cleaver.I am Lennon of Borg. Imagine there’s no assimilation…I am Baez of Borg. What if we gave an assimilation and nobody came?I am Opie of Borg. Can I assimilate ’em, Pa?I am Quayle of Borg. Speling is irelevante.I am Smorgas of Borg. You will be marinated.I am Fonda of Borg. After assimilation, you will have Buns of Steel.

Sales Contest

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A small company was on the edge of bankruptcy. The owner summoned his two-man sales force into his office.

“Things aren’t going too well, guys,” he announced grimly. “So to perk up sales I’m announcing a contest. The guy with the most sales gets a blow job.”

“What does the loser get?” asked one of the salesmen.

The owner looked at both men and said, “The loser gets to give it.”

Some Humor

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  • A man has reached middle age when he is cautioned to slow down by his doctor instead of by the police.
  • Middle age is having a choice of two temptations and choosing the one that will get you home earlier.
  • You know you’re into middle age when you realize that caution is the only thing you care to exercise.
  • My grandmother’s 90; she’s dating a man 93. They never argue: they can’t hear each other.
  • At my age, “getting a little action” means I don’t need to take a laxative.
  • I have my 87th birthday coming up, and people ask me what I’d most appreciate getting. I tell them: a paternity suit. (George Burns)
  • As I grow older and older, And totter toward the tomb, I find that I care less and less, who goes to bed with whom. (Dorothy Sayers)
  • Don’t worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
  • Be nice to your children, for they will choose your rest home. (Phyllis Diller)
  • Life is never fair, and perhaps it is a good thing for most of us that it is not.
  • Don’t take life so seriously … it’s not permanent.
  • Despite the cost of living, it’s still quite popular.
  • The trouble with life is, by the time you can read a girl like a book, your library card has expired. (Milton Berle)
  • Experience teaches you to recognize a mistake when you’ve made it again.
  • If you’re old enough to know better, you’re too old to do it.
  • The aging process could be slowed down if it had to work its way through Congress.
  • Time wounds all heels.
  • You’re getting old when getting lucky means you find your car in the parking lot.
  • You’re getting old when you’re sitting in a rocker and you can’t get it started.
  • You’re getting old when tying one on means fastening your Medic Alert bracelet.
  • You’re getting old when your wife gives up sex for Lent, and you don’t know till the 4th of July.
  • You’re getting old when you don’t care where your wife goes, just so you don’t have to go along.
  • You’re getting old when you wake up with that morning-after feeling, and you didn’t do anything the night before.
  • I’m getting just like my great-grandchildren — wearing diapers and using a walker.
  • The cardiologist’s diet: if it tastes good, spit it out.
  • Doctor to patient: I have good news and bad news: the good news is that you are not a hypochondriac.
  • It’s hard to be nostalgic when you can’t remember anything.
  • You know you’re getting old when you stop buying green bananas.
  • Death is not the end; there remains the litigation over the estate.
  • My uncle reads the obits every day. He can’t understand how people always die in alphabetical order.
  • Last Will and Testament: Being of sound mind, I spent all my money.