Did you hear about micheal jackson getting food poising?
He ate an eight year old weaner.
Author: admin
What is the score?
I bet I can tell you the score of the Rose Bowl before it starts?
0 To 0.
Men Are Like Noodles
How are men like noodles?
They’re always in hot water, they lack taste, and they need dough.
Survival Guide for Taking a Dump at Work
Escapee definition: a fart that slips out while peeing or forcing poop in a
stall. this is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic/embarrassment. this
is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and
speeding. if you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. pretend it did not
happen. if you are next to the farter, pretend that you did not hear it. no one
likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. making a joke or
laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.
jailbreak (used in conjunction with escapee) definition: when forcing poop,
several farts slip out at a machine gun’s pace. this is usually a side effect of
diarrhea or a hangover. if this should happen do not panic, remain in the stall
until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of
what just occurred.
courtesy flush definition: the act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose
cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an
undisclosed location. this reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink
up the bathroom. this can help you avoid being caught doing the walk of shame.
walk of shame definition: walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door
after you have just stunk-up the bathroom. this can be a very uncomfortable
moment if someone walks in and busts you. as with all farts, it is best to
pretend that the smell does not exist. can be avoided with the use of a courtesy
flush.
out of the closet pooper definition: a colleague who poops at work and is damn
proud of it. you will often see an out of the closet pooper enter the bathroom
with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. always look around the office for
the out of the closet pooper before entering the bathroom.
the pooping friends network (pfn) definition: a group of coworkers who band
together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. this group can
help you to monitor the whereabouts of out of the closet poopers and identify
safe havens.
safe haven definition: a seldom-used bathroom somewhere in the building where
you can least expect visitors. try floors that are predominantly of the opposite
sex. this will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.
turd burglar definition: a pooper who does not realize that you are in the
stall and tries to force the door open. this is one of the most shocking and
vulnerable moments that occur when taking a dump at work. if this occurs, remain
in the stall until the turd burglar leaves. this way you will avoid all
uncomfortable eye contact.
camo-cough definition: a phony cough which alerts all new entrants into the
bathroom that you are in a stall. this can be used to cover-up a watermelon or
to alert potential turd burglars. very effective when used in conjunction with
an astaire.
astaire definition: a subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential turd
burglars that you are occupying a stall. this will remove all doubt that the
stall is occupied. if you hear an astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the
pooper can poop in peace.
watermelon definition: a turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the
toilet water. this is also an embarrassing incident. if you feel a watermelon
coming on, create a diversion. see camo-cough.
havana omelet definition: a load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud
splashes in the toilet water. often accompanied by an escapee. try using a
camo-cough with an astaire.
uncle ted definition: a bathroom user who seems to linger around forever.
could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the
pot. an uncle ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you
should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. this benefits
you as well as the other bathroom attendees.
fly by definition: the act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. walk in,
check for other poopers. if there are others in the bathroom, leave and come
back again. be careful not to become a frequent flyer. people may become
suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.
crack whore definition: a crapper that has seen more ass than a greyhound bus.
telltale signs of a crack whore include pubes, piss stains and s*** streaks.
avoid crack whores at all cost. try finding out when the janitor cleans each
particular bathroom. don’t forget, with a good cleaning, a crack whore can
become a safe haven.
frequent flyer definition: someone who keeps going in the bathroom to check if
it is empty. this always looks bad for that person.
have you ever heard of the “drag bunt?”- that is when you are walking by a
bunch of people and farting the whole time, dragging it by the unknowing
victims.
Yo mama is so dark
Yo mama so dark she spits chocolate milk!
Dennis Rodman
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar. They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.
He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”.
She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.”
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back with shock.
“I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”
He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.
Flower shop
If it is not Valentines day and you see a man in a flower shop, you can probably start up a conversation by asking, ‘What did you do?’
Missed the Bus
The new family in the neighbourhood overslept, and their six-year-old daughter missed her school bus.
The father, though late for work, agreed to drive her if she’d direct him to the school.
They rode several blocks before she told him to turn the first time, several more before she indicated another turn. This went on for 20 minutes – but when they finally reached the school, it proved to be only a short distance from their home.
The father asked his daughter why she’d led him around in such a circle.
The child explained, “That’s the way the school bus goes, Daddy. It’s the only way I know.”
Wrecked ‘im
A kid had been fooling around with fireworks in his back yard. He ran in through the back door loudly proclaiming, ” Mum, Mum, I just stuck a Roman Candle up a duck’s ass”
His mother, dismayed with this turn of phrase corrects the child. “Rectum dear, rectum.”
The boy responded, “Wrecked ‘im? Nearly blew his fucking head off!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Tracy
Men are like…high heels
Men are like…High Heels. They’re easy to walk on once you get the hang of
it.
T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa…
T’was the night before Christmas – Old Santa was pissed
He cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the whole works
I’ve busted my ass for damn near a year
Instead of “Thanks Santa” – what do I hear
The old lady bitches cause I work late at night
The elves want more money – The reindeer all fight
Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Those assholes from IRS sent me a letter
They say I owe taxes – if that ain’t damn funny
Who the hell ever sent Santa Clause any money
And the kids these days – they all are the pits
They want the impossible ….Those mean little shits
I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls…Their arms, legs and heads
I made a ton of yo yo’s – No request for them
They want computers and robots…they think I’m IBM!
If you think that’s bad…just picture this
Try holding those brats…with their pants full of piss
They pull on my nose – they grab at my beard
And if I don’t smile..the parents think I’m weird
Flying through the air…dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys and skinning my knees
I’m quitting this job…there’s just no enjoyment
I’ll sit on my fat ass and draw unemployment
There’s no Christmas this year…now you know the reason
I found me a blonde.. I’m going SOUTH for the season!
Write in C ("Let it Be")
Write in C (“Let it Be”)
When I find my code in tons of trouble,
Friends and colleagues come to me,
Speaking words of wisdom:
“Write in C.”
As the deadline fast approaches,
And bugs are all that I can see,
Somewhere, someone whispers:
“Write in C.”
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
LOGO’s dead and buried,
Write in C.
I used to write a lot of FORTRAN,
For science it worked flawlessly.
Try using it for graphics!
Write in C.
If you’ve just spent nearly 30 hours,
Debugging some assembly,
Soon you will be glad to
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C,
Write in C, yeah, Write in C.
BASIC’s not the answer.
Write in C.
Write in C, Write in C
Write in C, oh, Write in C.
Pascal won’t quite cut it.
Write in C..