Taking a phone call in her bedroom, a woman replies, “That’s OK honey. No problem. I hope you have a good time. See you later”. Then she puts down the receiver. “Who was that?”, asks the man lying besides her in bed. “My husband”, she replies. “What did he want?” “Nothing, he said he would be home late tonight. He’s somewhere shooting pool with you and some other colleagues”.
Author: admin
The Dress Of Love
An old woman went to visit her daughter and she found her naked, waiting for her husband.
The mother asks the daughter: “What are you doing naked?”
The daughter responds: “This is the dress of love.”
When the mother returns home, she strips naked and waits for her husband.
When her husband arrives, he asks her: “What are you doing naked, woman?”
She responds: “This is the dress of love.”
And he says to her: “Well, go iron it first.”
Nice Parrot
This nice old Jewish lady went decided to buy a parrot so she went to the store and bought one. The parrot seemed fine and when Friday night came, she dressed the parrot up and went to schul (temple). The parrot seemed fine but when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, “It’s fuckin cold in here!”
The woman, completely appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out. Well, the parrot seemed fine for the next week so once again, on Friday she and the parrot got dressed up and went to schul. Like the previous week, the parrot was fine until the rabbi went to bless the congregation at which the parrot, once again, screamed out “It’s fuckin cold in here!”
Once again, the lady was appalled, grabbed the parrot and ran out of temple. She decided to confront the man at the pet store to see what was going on. The clerk at the pet store said, “You gotta show the parrot who’s boss so next time he does this, grab him by his legs and swing him around your head a few times. That should teach him a lesson.”
That Friday night they once again got dressed up and went to schul. Like the previous two weeks, when the rabbi went to bless the congregation, the parrot screamed out, “It’s fuckin cold in here!”
The lady, remembering what the clerk said, grabbed the parrot by its legs and swung it around her head a few times.
When she was done, the parrot looked at her and screamed out, “and fuckin windy too!”
But how do I know…
Tech Support: “What does the screen say now.”
Person: “It says, ‘Hit ENTER when ready’.”
Tech Support: “Well?”
Person: “How do I know when it’s ready?”
The Truth about Dieting
A great way for to lose weight is to eat naked in front of a mirror. Restaurants will almost always throw you out before you can eat too much.
It takes leather balls to
It takes leather balls to play rugby.
Baby light
In the back woods of Arkansas, Mr. Stewart’s wife went into labor in the middle of the night, and the doctor was called out to assist in the delivery.
To keep the nervous father-to-be busy, the doctor handed him a lantern and said, “Here, you hold this high so I can see what I’m doing.”
Soon, a wee baby boy was brought into the world.
“Whoa there Scotty!” said the doctor. “Don’t be in a rush to put the lantern down… I think there’s yet another wee one to come.”
Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered another little baby.
“No, no, don’t be in a great hurry to be putting down that lantern, young man… It seems there’s yet another one besides!” cried the doctor.
The new father scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, “Do ya think it’s the light that’s attractin’ them?”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
St Patrick was gay
Three Englishmen were in a bar and spotted an Irishman. So, one of the Englishmen walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder, and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a faggot.””Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that”, replied the Irishman. Puzzled, the Englishman walked back to his buddies. “I told him St. Patrick was a faggot and he didn’t care.” The second Englishman remarked, “You just don’t know how to set him off… watch and learn.” So, the second Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear your St. Patrick was a transvestite faggot!””Oh really, hmm, didn’t know that”, replied the Irishman.Shocked beyond belief, the Englishman went back to his buddies. “You’re right, he’s unshakable!”The third Englishman remarked, “Boys, I’ll really tick him off… just watch this.” So the third Englishman walked over to the Irishman, tapped him on the shoulder and said, “Hey, I hear St. Patrick was an Englishman!””Yeah, that’s what your buddies were trying to tell me.”
Knock KnockWho’s there?Rabbit!Rabbit who?Rabbit up
Knock KnockWho’s there?Rabbit!Rabbit who?Rabbit up carefully, it’s a present!
horney santa
one christmas eve santa came downa chimney and saw a lady
dressed in a skimpy black dress and she said ” Santa don’t you
wanna stay a while longer?” and he says “ho ho ho santa’s gotta
go, gotta deliver presents to all the chilldren you know”. so
another chimney he goes down and that lady is there she is
dressed in a towel “santa are you sure you don’t wanna stay?” he
sais “ho ho ho santa’s gotta go gotta deliver presents to all
the chilldren you know” and the next chimney he goes down that
lady is there but she is naked holing a champaigne glass and
looks at him and says “santa are you really really sure you
don’t wanna stay?” and he replies “hey hey hey santas gotta stay
can’t get up the chimney with this woody in the way!”.
Winning the Election
The politician was sitting at his campaign headquarters when the phone rang. He listened intently, and after a moment his face brightened.
When he hung up, he immediately phoned his mother to tell her the good news. “Ma,” he shouted, “the results are in. I won the election!”
“Honestly?”
The politician’s smiled faded. “Aw hell, Ma, why bring that up at a time like this?”
AWOL from boot camp
As the sun rose over Parris Island, the senior drill instructor realized that one of his recruits had gone AWOL. A search party was dispatched immediately. After a few hours the recruit was discovered hiding in some bushes. He was sent back to the base and promptly escorted to the drill instructor’s office.The instructor asked the young recruit, “Why did you go AWOL?”The recruit replied, “My first day here you issued me a comb, and then proceeded to cut my hair off. The second day you issued me a toothbrush, and sent me to the dentist, who proceeded to pull all my teeth. The third day you issued me a jock strap, and I wasn’t about to stick around and find out what would follow that SIR.”