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Bartender Help

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An armless man walked into a bar which is empty except for the bartender.

He ordered a drink and when he was served, asked the bartender if he would get the money from his wallet in his pocket, since he has no arms.

The bartender obliged him. He then asked if the bartender would tip the glass to his lips.

The bartender did this until the man finished his drink. He then asked if the bartender would get a hanky from his pocket and wipe the foam from his lips.

The bartender did it and commented it must be very difficult not to have arms and have to ask someone to do nearly everything for him.

The man said, “Yes, it is a bit embarrassing at times.
By the way, where is your restroom?”

The bartender quickly replies -,
“The closest one is in the gas station three blocks down the street.”

Fixin’ the outhouse

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Maw is outside the house hanging up the laundry, when she hears Jethro in the kitchen. Maw walks in and says, “Jethro, get out there and fix that there outhouse.”He says, “All right, Maw.”He walks out to the outhouse, looks at it, and says, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”Maw says, “Yes there is son. Put your head down in the hole.”He puts his head down in the hole and he says, “Maw, there ain’t nothin’ wrong with this here outhouse!”He goes to lift up his head and he says, “Oww! OWW! Maw! MAW, my beard’s stuck!”She says, “Aggravatin’, ain’t it?”

Era un se�or que su

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Era un se�or que su esposa siempre lo golpeaba. Como viv�a en una vecindad todos o�an los trancazos.

Un d�a que llegaba del trabajo; le dijo un vecino: “YA VECINO, todos oyen que su vieja le pega, no se deje, �qu� a poco se va a dejar?

Y el le dice: “No, pero es que mi vieja si est� fuertota”

“Mire, le voy a dar un consejo, para guardar las apariencias… cu�ndo ella le est� pegando, grite fuerte como si el que la estuviera fregando fuera ust�d.”

“Ah, caray, �o sea que cu�ndo ella me pegue YO GRITO como si la estuviera madreando a ella?

“Claro, asi todos creeran que ust�d es bien macho… de una vez h�galo, orita que va p�’ su casa…”

Y ah� va el Se�or y llega con su mujer que ya lo est� esperando con el rodillo, y la mujer le suelta el primer madrazo y el grita:

“�ORALE POR HIJA DE TODA TU PUTA MADRE!”

Y la se�ora toda sacada de onda le suelta otro fregadazo, y el se�or otra vez:

“�TOMA PARA QUE SE TE QUITE LO CABRONA. YA NO TE AGUANTO PINCHE VIEJA PENDEJA!”

La mujer no sabe que hacer ya del coraje y lo agarra y lo avienta por la ventana. Y el se�or grita:

�ES M�S, YA ME VOOOOOOOOOYYYYY!

Will power

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As an ultimate test of his will power, a man decided to give up sex for Lent. Although not thrilled with the idea, his wife agreed to support him in this effort. The first few weeks weren’t too difficult. Things got tougher during the next couple of weeks, so the wife wore her dowdiest night clothes and chewed on garlic before going to bed. The last couple of weeks were extremely tough on the husband, so the wife took to locking the bedroom door and forcing the husband to sleep on the couch.

Easter morning finally came. A knock came on the wife’s bedroom door.

“KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!! KNOCK!!!”

Husband: “Guess who?”

Wife: “I know who it is!”

Husband: “Guess what I want?”

Wife: “I know what you want!”

Husband: “Guess what I’m knockin’ with?”