Theres a woman on the beach with no arms and no legs…..She starts crying. A man walks over to her and says Miss whats wrong?….She says i have no arms and no legs and i have never been hugged. So he picks her up and gives her a hug…..He walks off and she starts crying again. He walks back over and says whats wrong now?.. she says i have no arms and no legs and i have never been kissed….SO he picks her up and kisses her and lays her back down. He walks off and she starts crying again. He walks over and says now whats wrong.?..She says i have no arms and no legs and i have never been screwed…So he picks her up and throws her in the ocean and says now your screwed!
Author: admin
Isabel y Claudia, dos viudas
Isabel y Claudia, dos viudas de edad avanzada, se encuentran sentadas en un caf� local.
Isabel: “Vieras que Jos� me pidi� que sali�ramos en una cita. Como me enter� que saliste con el la semana pasada, me gustar�a hablar contigo acerca de �l antes de darle mi respuesta.”
Claudia: “Bueno, d�jame contarte: El se present� a mi apartamento puntualmente a las 7:00 PM vestido como todo un caballero en un fino traje y me trajo un arreglo floral precioso. Despu�s bajamos las escaleras hacia la calle y me encontr� con una limusina con chofer uniformado y todo lo dem�s. Me llev� a comer, una cena maravillosa, con langosta, champa�a, postre y bebidas. Despu�s me llev� a ver una obra de teatro y d�jame decirte Isabel, la disfrute tanto que me pude haber muerto de la felicidad en ese momento.
Mas tarde me llevo a mi apartamento y se convirti� en un animal. Completamente loco, me arranc� en pedazos mi vestido mas fino y caro e hizo su santa voluntad conmigo, �dos veces!”
Isabel: “�Dios mi�! �Entonces me est�s diciendo que no salga con el?”
Claudia: “�No, no, no! �Simplemente te estoy diciendo que uses un vestido barato!”
The Marine Shares a Room
By the time a Marine pulled into a little town, every hotel room was taken.
“You’ve got to have a room somewhere,” he pleaded. “Or just a bed, I don’t care
where.”
“Well, I do have a double room with one occupant a Navy guy,” admitted the
manager, “and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you the truth, he
snores so loudly that people in adjoining rooms have complained in the past. I’m
not sure it’d be worth it to you.”
“No problem,” the tired Marine assured him. “I’ll take it.”
The next morning the Marine came down to breakfast, bright-eyed and
bushy-tailed.
“How’d you sleep?” asked the manager.
“Never better.”
The manager was impressed. “No problem with the other guy snoring, then?”
“Nope, I shut him up in no time,� said the Marine.
“How’d you manage that?” asked the manager.
“He was already in bed, snoring away, when I came in the room,” the Marine
explained. “I went over, gave him a kiss on the cheek, said, ‘Goodnight,
beautiful,’ and he sat up all night watching me.”
How The Internet Got Started
An old, bearded shepherd, with a crooked staff, walks up to a stone pulpit and says . . .
And lo it came to pass that the trader by the name of Abraham Com did take unto himself a young wife by the name of Dot. And Dot Com was a comely woman, broad of shoulder and long of leg. Indeed, she had been called Amazon Dot Com.
And she said unto Abraham, her husband, “Why doth thou travel far, from town to town, with thy goods when thou can trade without ever leaving thy tent?”
And Abraham did look at her as though she were several saddle bags short of a camel load, but simply said, “How, Dear?”
And Dot replied, “I will place drums in all the towns and drums in between to send messages saying what you have for sale and they will reply telling you which hath the best price. And the sale can be made on the drums and delivery by Uriah’s Pony Stable (UPS)”.
Abraha} thkught long and decided he would let Dot have her way with the drums, as long as he could have his way with her.
And Dot said, “There will be a lot of banging in the land”. And Abraham replied, “It is my most fervent wish that this be so”.
And the drums rang out and were an immediate success. Abraham sold all the goods he had, at the top price, without ever moving from his tent.
But his success did arouse envy. A man named Maccabia did secrete himself inside Abraham’s drum and was accused of insider trading.
And the young did take to Dot Com’s trading as doth the greedy horsefly to camel dung.
They were called Nomadic Ecclesiastical Rich Dominican Siderites, or NERDS for short.
And lo the land was so feverish with joy at the new riches and the deafening sound of drums, that no one noticed that the real riches were going to the drum maker, one Brother William of Gates, who bought up every drum company in the land. And indeed did insist on making drums that would only work if you bought Brother Gates’ drumsticks.
And Dot did say, “Oh, Abraham, what we have started is being taken over by others”. And as Abraham looked out over the Bay of Ezekiel, or as it came to be known, “eBay”, he said, “We need a name of a service that reflects what we are”.
And Dot replied, “Young Ambitious Hebrew Owner Operators”.
“Whoopee!”, said Abraham.
“No, YAHOO!”, said Dot Com.
Mailbox
A man was in his front yard mowing his grass when his attractive
blonde neighbor came out of the house and rushed straight to the
mailbox. She opened it, looked in, then slammed it shut and
stormed back into the house.
A little later she came out of her house again, went right to
the mailbox and this time opened it, looked in, felt around it,
then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she
went.
As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, mailbox, opened
it, felt all the way to the back, and then slammed it closed
harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, “Is
something wrong?” To which she replied, “There certainly is! My
stupid computer keeps saying, “YOU’VE GOT MAIL.”
Yo momma
yo momma so dumb when i told her it was chilly outside she went in the house and gotta bowl.
And it’s stupid, too
Q. What do you do if a pit bull mounts your leg? A. Fake an orgasm.
Alabama License Application
Last name: _________________
First name:
(Check appropriate box)
[_] billy bob [_] Bobby-Sue
[_] Billy-Joe [_] Bobby-Jo
[_] Billy-Ray [_] Bobby-Ann
[_] Billy-Sue [_] Bobby-Lee
[_] Billy-Mae [_] Bobby-Ellen
[_] Billy-Jack [_] Bobby-Beth Ann Sue
Age: ______ (if unsure, guess)
Sex: _____M_____F_____Not sure
Shoe Size: _____Left_____Right
Occupation:
[_] Farmer [_] Mechanic
[_] Hair Dresser [_] Waitress
[_] Unemployed [_] Dirty Politician
Spouse’s Name_________________________
2nd Spouse’s Name: _________________
3rd Spouse’s Name: _________________
Lover’s Name: ________________________
2nd Lover’s Name: ___________________
Relationship to spouse:
[_] Sister [_] Aunt
[_] Brother [_] Uncle
[_] Mother [_] Son
[_] Father [_] Daughter
[_] Cousin [_] Pet
Number of children living in household: _____
Number of children living in shed: _____
Number that are yours: _____
Mother’s Name: ___________________
Father’s Name: ___________________ (If not sure, leave blank)
Education: 1 2 3 4 (Circle highest grade completed)
Do you [_] own or [_] rent your mobile home?
___ Total number of vehicles that you own
___ Number of vehicles that still crank
___ Number of vehicles in front yard
___ Number of vehicles in back yard
___ Number of vehicles on cement blocks
Where your firearms are kept:
[_] truck [_] kitchen
[_] bedroom [_] bathroom
[_] shed
Model and year of your pickup: _______ 194_
Do you have a gun rack?
[_] Yes [_] No; if no, please explain:
_____________________
Newspapers/magazines you subscribe to:
[_] National Enquirer [_] The Globe
[_] TV Guide [_] Soap Opera Digest
[_] Rifle and Shotgun
___ Number of times you’ve seen a UFO
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis
___ Number of times you’ve seen Elvis in a UFO
How often do you bathe:
[_] Weekly
[_] Monthly
[_] Not applicable
Color of teeth:
[_] Yellow [_] Brownish-Yellow
[_] Brown [_] Black
[_] N/A
How many?_____
Brand of chewing tobacco you prefer: [_] Red-Man
How far is your home from a paved road?
[_] 200-400 miles
[_] over 400 miles
[_] what’s a miles?
Llega un tipo bien borracho
Llega un tipo bien borracho a las 3:00 de la madrugada a su casa, mete la llave despacio sin hacer ruido para no despertar a su mujer; pero la mujer lo estaba esperando y, cuando el beodo abre la puerta, la esposa enciende la luz. El borrach�n al verse descubierto le dice:
“�Qu�?”
“�Qu� de qu�?”, le replica la esposa.
“�Qu� de qu� o qu�?”
“�Qu� de qu� o qu� de qu�?”
“�Qu� de qu� o qu� de qu� o qu�?”
“�Qu� de qu� o qu� de qu� o qu� por qu�?”
“�Qu� de qu� o qu� de qu� o qu� por qu�, qu�?”
“�D�nde andabas?”
“�No, no, no me cambies la conversaci�n!”
2 dumb blondes
ok, so there are two blondes,walking down the street. and one of them steps on an empty compact, while they are walking, and then looks into the mirror and says wow. this person looks really familliar. and the other one looks in to the mirror and says duh you idiot thats me.
Gifted!
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
A doctor had the reputation
A doctor had the reputation of helping couples increase the joy in their sex life, but always promised not to take a case if he felt he could not help them. The Browns came to see the doctor, and he gave them thorough physical exams, psychological exams, and various tests and then concluded, “Yes, I am happy to say that I believe I can help you.
“On your way home from my office stop at the grocery store and buy some grapes and some doughnuts. Go home, take off your clothes, and you, sir, roll the grapes across the floor until you make a bulls eye in your wife’s love canal. Then on hands and knees you must crawl to her like a leopard and retrieve the grape using only your tongue.”
“Then next, ma’am, you must take the doughnuts and from across the room, toss them at your husband until you make a ringer around his love pole. Then like a lioness, you must crawl to him and consume the doughnut.”
The couple went home and their sex life became more and more wonderful. They told their friends, Mr. & Mrs. Green that they should see the good doctor. The doctor greeted the Greens and said he would not take the case unless he felt that he could help them; so he conducted the physical exams and the same battery of tests.
Then he told the Greens the bad news. “I cannot help you, so I will not take your money. I believe your sex life is as good as it will ever be. I cannot help.”
The Greens pleaded with him, and said, “You helped our friends the Browns, now please, please help us.”
“Well, all right”, the doctor said. “On your way home from the office, stop at the grocery store and buy some apples and a box of cheerios…”