Yours Fun Portal !
En su fiesta de despedida de soltero, un tipo se emborracha y tiene un accidente en su miembro con una puerta. Lo llevan de emergencia a un hospital y el m�dico decide entablillarlo.
Al d�a siguiente, en la noche de bodas, la esposa le dice:
“�Mi amor, me conserve virgen para ti!”
Entonces el marido se destapa y dice:
“�Mira, mi amor, est� sin desembalar!
A businessman boarded a plane to find, sitting next to him, an elegant woman wearing the largest, most stunning diamond ring he had ever seen.He asked her about it.”This is the Catto diamond,” she said.”It is beautiful, but there is a terrible curse that goes with it.””What’s the curse?” the man asked.”Mr. Catto.”
Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down. Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him, “Oh, it’s Sunday night and my car broke down! I don’t know what to do! Can I stay here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?
“Well,” drawls the farmer, “you can stay here, but I don’t want you messin’ with my sons Jed and Luke.”
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in the early twenties.
“Okay”, she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her. So she quietly goes into their room and says, “Boys, how would you like for me to teach you the ways of the world?”
They say, “Huh?”
She says, “The only thing is, I don’t want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these rubbers.” She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Forty years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth.
Jed says, “Luke?”
Luke says, “Yeah, Jed?”
Jed says, “You remember that blond woman that came by here about forty years ago and showed us the ways of the world?”
“Yeah,” says Luke, “I remember.”
“Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?” asks Jed.
“Nope,” says Luke, “I reckon not”.
“Me, neither,” says Jed, “Let’s take these things off.”
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, “You had a great checkups. Is there anything that you’d like to ask me?””Well,” he said, “I was thinking about getting a vasectomy.””That’s a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?””Yeah, and they’re in favour 15 to 2.”
Dr Seuss explains computers:
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report.
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double clicking icon puts your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted ’cause the index doesn’t hash,
Then your situation’s hopeless and your system’s gonna crash.
If the label on the cable on the table at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel on another protocol,
That’s repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall,
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot it,
and let it go out with a bang,
‘Cause as sure as I’m a poet, the sucker’s gonna hang.
When the copy of your floppy’s getting sloppy on the disk,
And the micro-code instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you’ll want to ram your ROM,
So quickly turn off your computer and go and tell your mum!
How come wrong numbers are never busy?Do people in Australia call the rest of the world “up over”?Does that screwdriver belong to Philip?Can a stupid person be a smart-ass?Does killing time damage eternity?Why doesn’t Tarzan have a beard?Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?Why is it that night falls but day breaks?Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?Why is it that when you’re driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?Are part-time bandleaders semi-conductors?Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?Daylight savings time – why are they saving it and where do they keep it?Did Noah keep his bees in archives?Do jellyfish get gas from eating jellybeans?Do pilots take crash-courses?Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter? [NOTE: Geo.Washington’s picture is on a quarter]Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?How can there be self-help “groups”?How do you get off a non-stop flight?How do you write zero in Roman numerals?How many weeks are there in a light year?If a jogger runs at the speed of sound, can he still hear his Walkman?If athletes get athlete’s foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?If Barbie’s so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?If blind people wear dark glasses, why don’t deaf people wear earmuffs?If cats and dogs didn’t have fur would we still pet them?If peanut butter cookies are made from peanut butter, then what are Girl Scout cookies made out of?If space is a vacuum, who changes the bags?If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look the way they do?If tin whistles are made out of tin, what do they make fog horns out of?If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?If you can’t drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?Why do the signs that say “Slow Children” have a picture of a running child?Why do they call it “chili” if it’s hot?Why do we sing “Take me out to the ball game, when we are already there?Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Guys suck…… and let me tell you why.
farting – how come it’s cool for you to do it and disgusting if we do it. and
must you lift your leg?
jock itch – get help! do you see us scratch? we don’t want to see you scratch
either. porno�s – why do you want to see other guys getting what you can’t. by
the way, it’s not good for our skin.
pick up lines – not!
double standards – if you can do it, why the hell can’t we?
honesty – learn the concept. it is a good thing.
sensitivity – get some!!!!
deodorant – it’s only small change at the corner store. buy it.
locker rooms – hello…..air freshener.
heads – we know you have two. keep one in your pants and get the other out of
your ass.
you can’t beat up everyone who looks at us.
you are not the s***, – i am!
being drunk is not an excuse to sleep with any thing on legs.
believe me, sex is not number one and you are not number one at it.
why must you tell all of your friends about everything you do with a girl?
they all had the same dream last night anyway.
do not blame everything we do on p.m.s. you should be glad we’re not pregnant.
try matching your maturity level to your age.
we are not objects. we have feelings, thoughts, and ideas. we can even form
words like “f*** you!!!”
there is more to life than playing cards and video games – how old are you??
why do we have to look good and you can look like s***?
can we go out in public? your room does not excite me.
can we eat like humans – utensils were made especially for this purpose. ever
heard of knives, forks, and spoons? how about napkins? (this does not include
shirtsleeves.)
wake up call! – wasting a ton of money on tuition every year to get drunk, get
laid, and play sports is f****** retarded. if you’re interested, become a
professional athlete and at least get paid for it.
i am not putting myself through school to carry your sorry, lazy ass through
life.
birthdays – if you can remember the size of your cock to the exact millimeter,
then you can remember our birthday.
what is the deal with standing in front of your mirror – naked – and thinking
“oh, what a god.” trust me you are not a god.
rulers were not invented to measure your genitalia – they were not made that
small. why measure it anyway? there will always be someone bigger and believe
me, we can find him.
romance is not three seconds of sweat and nothing and then rolling over and
going to sleep.
the one thing you are good for, you are not good at!
no, we will not swallow!!!
it feels so good to take it in the ass. not!! try it yourself, see if you like
it.
remember meg ryan’s famous ‘faking an orgasm scene’? sound familiar?
when we say we’re lost without you, we’re probably high.
tightly whiteys – got to go. (break it to your mother slowly)
when you buy a playboy be sure to pick us up a playgirl.
when you screw up, a rose would suffice, but if it’s not too much trouble, a
dozen would be nice.
wandering eyes – we know you look. try not to make it so obvious.
get a clue! – when we say “harder!, faster!” we’re not referring to your
breathing pattern.
hey big foot – nice try. we’ve figured it out by now that your foot size
doesn’t equal your dick size. you should
motto’s you should adopt – “a stick of dynamite with a short fuse�,� when you
pump up the jack it gets lost in the crack”, “big eaters have small peters��,
for him… a rare moment, for her. this month’s rent”.
The worse your line is tangled, the better is the fishing around you.
Never lie down with a woman who’s got more troubles than
you.
CHOCOLATEChocolate is God’s way of reminding men how inadequate they are. I am vividly confronted with this fact every time my wife and I go out to a restaurant. When it gets to dessert, my wife usually orders the most chocolate-saturated dessert possible: It’s the one called ‘Unstoppable Double-Fudge Chocolate Mudslide Explosion’ or some such thing.I always wonder why anyone would want to eat anything that promises a catastrophic natural disaster in your mouth.The dark brown monstrosity arrives at the table, and my wife takes the first bite. Before the fork is even removed from her mouth, a small moan escapes her lips. Her eyes, previously perfectly aligned, first cross slightly and then faze completely, pupils dilating in pure chocolate pleasure before the eyelids clamp down in ecstasy. The hand not holding the fork clenches into a fist and starts pounding the table. The silverware rattles.After about six minutes of this, she finally manages to swallow the bite, realign her eyes, and take the next shuttle back from whatever transcendental plane she’s been visiting. Slowly, her sphere of consciousness expands to include me, her husband, her life-long mate, her presumed partner in all things ecstatic.’Hey, this is pretty good,’ she’ll say. ‘You want some?’No, I don’t. I want nothing to do with an object that does to my wife in one bite what I’ve worked for an entire relationship to achieve. It wouldn’t do any good, anyway. Men just don’t have the same relationship with chocolate that women do. It’s not even close. I wandered around the office today and asked men – ‘Chocolate. Your thoughts?’ – and the result was always the same. First, a confused look as to why they’re being asked about something so trivial, and then some lame, obvious statement: ‘Uuh… it’s brown?’Ask women the same question, and you get responses like ‘The ONLY food group,’ ‘ESSENTIAL to life as we know it,’ and the ultimate casual swipe at every member of the Y-chromosome brigade, ‘Better than sex.’ Ouch. Some women will try to make up for that last one by quickly adding that chocolate is supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Uh-huh. Chocolate certainly increases desire; problem is the desire is usually for more chocolate. The best a guy can do is buy a box of chocolates and hope he’ll be considered somewhere between the cherry truffle and the strawberry nougat.Don’t get me wrong. Guys like chocolate just fine; it’s just not essential to life as we know it. Respiration is essential to life as we know it; chocolate is simply one of those nice little bonuses you get. We won’t usually pass it up if it’s offered, but I don’t know too many guys who would get substantially worked up if it were to suddenly disappear from the face of the earth (ironic in a way, as back in the days of the Aztecs, only men were allowed to have the stuff). When I eat a chocolate dessert, I enjoy it, yes. My world view doesn’t narrow to include only the plate that it’s on.Maybe we’re missing something. On the other hand, we don’t have to pick up our silverware from the floor after we’re done with our tiramisu.Life is about trade-offs like that. All I know is that come Valentine’s Day, chocolate will be among the things I offer my wife. I can’t truly appreciate it, but I can truly appreciate what it does for her. Which is close enough.
Tom and Jeni are having one of their occasional disputes of opinion. Tom took off his pants and threw them at Jeni, yelling, “Hey, woman, can you fill these pants up?”
“Of course not, you jerk. You know I can’t.”
“You’re right. You can’t. I wear the pants in this family.”
So Jeni took off her panties and threw them at Tom, yelling, “Hey, jerk, can you get into these panties?”
“Hell no! They’re too small and dainty!”
“And you won’t either, until you change your treatment of me!”