Q:Do you know how to confuse a coal miner?
A:Show him two shovels and then ask him to take his pick.
Author: admin
What happened to the plastic surgeon when…
What happened to the plastic surgeon when he sat too close to the fire?
– He melted.
Space shuttle
One day a space shuttle crashed to the ground in the yard of a Kindergarten.
When he finally struggled out of the wreckage, the astronaut shouted, “I’m free!
I’m free!!!” At this point, one of the little children standing there shouted
back, “Big deal, I’m four!”
GAT IRISHMEN
EAR ABOUT THE 2 GAY IRISHMEN??? MICHAELFITZPATRICK OR PATRICHFITZMICHAEL lol VERY OLD JOKE 2NDONE LOL FATHER OBRIEN CA;;ED FORM LAST RIGHTS AT MACINCE SHOP!! DO YOU THE IN THE FATHER THE AND THE SONA AND THE HOLY GHOSAT!!!??? GENTLEMAND DYINGS SAYS I AM DYINF YOUR GIVING ME RIDDLES lol
747
Q: What is the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A: Not everyone has been in a 747.
Golf With The Pope
One day a man named Bob was playing a round of golf with the Pope. On
the first hole, Bob hits the ball into a sand trap “Damn, I missed.”
says Bob. The Pope says,� you shouldn’t say that it is bad.
Later on in the day on the ninth hole Bob hits the ball into the
water. “Damn, I missed.” says Bob again. The Pope says, “Don’t say
that, next time you do, God will strike you down with a lightning
bolt.”
Close to the end of the day on the last hole, Bob hits it an inch
short of the hole. “Damn, I missed.” says Bob once again. The Pope
looks into the sky as the clouds start to split apart. Then a
lightning bolt comes down from heaven, striking and killing the Pope.
God’s voice echoes, “Damn, I missed.”
Country Boy in a Gay
A country boy ends up in the big city. He is walking around in awe of everything. He decides to quench his thirst and enters a bar. After a couple of beer, his beer rental is up and off he goes to the can. He walks into the can and is shocked at what he sees. And leaves quickly!The barkeep lisps, “What’s wrong?”The country boy replies,” You wouldn’t believe what is going on in there.””What?”The country boy is shaking his head, “Well there is a guy standing at the urinal being corn-holed by a guy behind him. And that guy is getting his fudge packed by a guy behind HIM.”The bartender leans in closer, gets all serious and lisps out his next question.”The guy in the middle wouldn’t have been wearing a yellow T-shirt would he?””I think he was. Why?” “He’s lucky at cards too!”
Urinalotta Trouble
Above the urinal, written on the wall:
Why are you looking up here? The joke is in your hand!
En una guerra el General
En una guerra el General visita la tienda de los enfermos y le pregunta a un soldado que estaba en una cama:
“�Por qu� est� ac� soldado?”
“�Hemorroide, se�or!”
“�Y con qu� lo est�n tratando?”
“�T�picos de iodo, se�or!”
“�Necesita algo?”
“�No, se�or!”
Y as� con todos los que estaban all�, muchos de los cuales padec�an de hemorroides y dec�an no necesitar nada, hasta que lleg� con el �ltimo soldado:
“�Por qu� est� ac� soldado?”
“�Angina, se�or!”
“�Y con qu� lo est�n tratando?”
“�T�picos de iodo, se�or!”
“�Necesita algo?”
“�Si! �QUE ME CAMBIEN EL PINCELITO!”
Letter from Grandma (honk if you love Jesus)
Grandma writes:The other day I went to the local religious book store where I saw a “Honk if you really love Jesus” bumper sticker. I bought it and put it on the back bumper of my car and I’m really glad I did. What an uplifting experience followed.I was stopped at the light of a busy intersection, just lost in thought about the Lord, and didn’t notice that the light had changed. That bumper sticker really worked! I found lots of people who love Jesus. Why, the guy behind me started to honk like crazy. He must really love the Lord because pretty soon he leaned out his window and yelled, “Jesus Christ!” as loud as he could. Why, it was like a football game with him shouting, “Go, Jesus Christ, Go”! Everyone else started honking too, so I leaned out my window and waved and smiled to all those loving people. There must have been a guy from Florida back there because I could hear him yelling something about a sunny beach, and I saw him waving in a funny way with only his middle finger stuck up in the air. I had recently asked my two grandsons what that meant. They kind of squirmed, looked at each other, giggled and told me that it was the Hawaiian good luck sign, so I leaned out the window and gave him the good luck sign back. A couple of the people were so caught up in the joy of the moment that they got out of their cars and were walking towards me. I bet they wanted to pray, but just then I noticed that the light had changed, and I stepped on the gas. It’s a good thing I did, because I was the only car to get across the intersection. I looked back at them standing there. I leaned out the window, gave them a big smile, and held up the Hawaiian Good Luck sign as I drove away. Praise the Lord for such wonderful folks!Love ya all,Grandma
If People Bought Cars Like They Buy Computers
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: I got my car and closed the door, and nothing happened!
Helpline: Did you put the key in the ignition slot and turn it?
Customer: What’s an ignition?
Helpline: It’s a starter motor that draws current from your
battery and turn over the engine.
Customer: Ignition? Motor? Battery? Engine? How come I have to
know all of these technical terms just to use my car?
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: My car ran fine for a week, and now it won’t go
anywhere!
Helpline: Is the gas tank empty?
Customer: Huh? How do I know?
Helpline: There’s a little gauge on the front panel, with a
needle, and markings from ‘E’ to ‘F’. Where is the
needle pointing?
Customer: It’s pointing to ‘E’. What does that mean?
Helpline: It means that you have to visit a gasoline vendor, and
purchase some more gasoline. You can install it
yourself, or pay the vendor to install it for you.
Customer: What!? I paid $12,000 for this car! Now you tell me
that I have to keep buying more components? I want a
car that comes with everything built in!
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Your car sucks!
Helpline: What’s wrong?
Customer: It crashed, that’s what went wrong!
Helpline: What were you doing?
Customer: I wanted to run faster, so I pushed the accelerator
pedal all the way to the floor. It worked for a while,
and then it crashed–and now it won’t start!
Helpline: It’s your responsibility if you misuse the product.
What do you expect us to do about it?
Customer: I want you to send me one of the latest versions that
doesn’t crash anymore!
Helpline: General Motors Helpline, how can I help you?
Customer: Hi! I just bought my first car, and I chose your car
because it has automatic transmission, cruise control,
power steering, power brakes, and power door locks.
Helpline: Thanks for buying our car. How can I help you?
Customer: How do I work it?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: Do I know how to what?
Helpline: Do you know how to drive?
Customer: I’m not a technical person! I just want to go places
in my car!
Fourth Time Married
Jim: Joe, I hear you just got married again.
Joe: Yes, for the fourth time.
Jim: What happened to your first three wives?
Joe: They all died, Jim.
Jim: How did that happen?
Joe: My first wife ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: How terrible! And your second?
Joe: She ate poison mushrooms.
Jim: And your third ate poison mushrooms too?
Joe: Oh, no. She died of a broken neck.
Jim: I see, an accident.
Joe: Not exactly. She wouldn’t eat her mushrooms.