She: “Do you think of me when you’re away darling?”
He: “Yes honey, I always bare you in mind.”
Author: admin
En la alcoba conyugal, la
En la alcoba conyugal, la sensual esposa recibe al marido a las tres de la ma�ana dici�ndole:
“Desabrocha mi blusa y d�jala sobre la cama.”
“S�.”
“Ahora el sost�n y ponlo en la silla.”
“Claro.”
“Deja mi falda en el ropero.”
“Bueno.”
“Ahora mis pantys en el cesto.”
“Ya est�.”
“�Y que sea la �ltima vez que te pones mi ropa, maric�n de mierda!”
Something Fishy Here!
LIFE UNDER THE SEA
What is life like under the sea? Is it a dogfish eat dogfish world? Is everyone united for a common porpoise? Or do they all split off in their own special groupers? Well, one tragic story indicates it’s not so perfect down there.
There was once a brilliant sturgeon on the staff of the community health fishility. He was in fact one of it’s flounders. Wiser than salmon, a fin fellow who would never shrimp from his responsibilities, he was successful and happy and always whistled a happy tuna.
One day one of his patients, a mere whipper snapper, started trouting around telling everyone the sturgeon’s treatments had made him more eel than he had been and the conked him with a malpractice suit.
Well, the sturgeon was in a real pickeral. The board chased him off the staff and demanded his oyster. But fortunately the case smelt to high heaven so the judge denied the plaintiff’s clam.
The board tried to hire the sturgeon back but by then he had hit the bottlenose pretty hard. But what’s really shad about the story is that the sturgeon ended up on squid-row…
Email forwarders
THE “FORWARDER’S” 12 STEP PROGRAM
Sometimes friends have to tell you things you might not like to hear, but need too. Everyone say it with me…
1) I will NOT get bad luck, lose my friends, or lose my mailing lists if I DON’T forward an e-mail!
2) I will NOT hear any music or see a taco dog, if I do forward an e-mail.
3) Bill Gates is NOT going to send me money. Victoria Secret doesn’t know anything about a gift certificate they’re supposed to send me.
4) Ford will NOT give me a 50% discount even if I forward my e-mail to more than 50 people!
5) I will NEVER receive gift certificates, coupons, or freebies from Coca Cola, Cracker Barrel, Old Navy, or anyone else if I send an e-mail to 10 people.
6) I will NEVER see a pop-up window if I forward an e-mail!(If you do, you have a virus or trojan.)
7) There is NO SUCH THING as an e-mail tracking program and I am not STUPID enough to think that someone will send me $100 for forwarding an e-mail to 10 or more people!
8) There is NO kid with cancer through the Make-a-Wish program in England collecting anything!
He did when he was 7 years old. He is now cancer free and 35 years old and
DOESN’T WANT ANY MORE POST CARDS, or GET-WELL CARDS!
9) The government does not have a bill in Congress called 901B (or whatever they named it this week) that, if passed, will enable them to charge us 5 cents for every e-mail we
send.
10) There will be NO cool dancing, singing, waving, colorful flowers, characters, or program that I will receive immediately after I forward an e-mail. NONE, ZIP, ZERO,
NADA!!
11) The American Red Cross will NOT donate 50 cents to certain individuals dying of some never-heard-of disease for every e-mail address I send this to.
The American Red Cross RECEIVES donations.
12) And finally, I WILL NOT let others guilt me into forwarding at email by telling me if I don’t I am not their friend or that I’m a bad person.
Now, repeat this to yourself until you have it memorized, and send it along to at least 5 of your friends before the next full moon or you will gain twenty pounds in the next three months!
(No, not really! If you believe that last statement, go back and read this message again!)
George W. Drowning
One day there were three boys walking down the street, and suddenly they heard cries for help. When the boys got to the noise they saw George W. Bush in a lake drowning. The three boys saved him from drowning.Dubya asked the boys how he could ever repay him. The first boy said, “I want a boat.”The second boy said, “I want a truck.”And the third boy said, “I want three tombstones with our names all on them.”Dubya asked, “Why is that, son?” The little boy said, “Because when my Dad finds out that we saved you, he is going to kill us all!”
Beer Troubleshooting
Beer Troubleshooting ********************SYMPTOM: Feet cold and wet. FAULT: Glass being held at incorrect angle. ACTION: Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.SYMPTOM: Feet warm and wet. FAULT: Improper bladder control. ACTION: Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.SYMPTOM: Beer unusually pale and tasteless. FAULT: Glass empty. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights. FAULT: You have fallen over backward. ACTION: Have yourself lashed to bar.SYMPTOM: Mouth contains cigarette butts. FAULT: You have fallen forward. ACTION: See above.SYMPTOM: Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet. FAULT: Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face. ACTION: Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.SYMPTOM: Floor blurred. FAULT: You are looking through bottom of empty glass. ACTION: Get someone to buy you another beer.SYMPTOM: Floor moving. FAULT: You are being carried out. ACTION: Find out if you are being taken to another bar.SYMPTOM: Room seems unusually dark. FAULT: Bar has closed. ACTION: Confirm home address with bartender.SYMPTOM: Taxi suddenly takes on colourful aspect and textures. FAULT: Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations. ACTION: Cover mouth.
Prison or Work ?
In prison you spend a majority of your time in an 8×10 cell.
At work you spend most of your time in a 6×8 cubicle.
In prison you get three meals a day.
At work you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay
for that one.
In prison you get time off for good behavior.
At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.
In prison, a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
At work you must carry a security card and unlock and open all
the doors yourself.
In prison you can watch TV and play games.
At work you get fired for watching TV and playing games.
In prison they ball-and-chain you when you go somewhere.
At work you’re just ball-and-chained.
In prison you get your own toilet.
At work you have to share.
In prison they allow your family and friends to visit.
At work you can’t even speak to your family and friends.
In prison all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work
required.
At work you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then
they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.
In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars from
the inside wanting to get out.
At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go to
bars.
In prison you can join many programs which you can leave at any
time.
At work there are some programs you can never get out of.
In prison there are sadistic wardens.
At work, we have managers.
Q. Why do women have legs?…
Q. Why do women have legs?
A. So they won’t leave snail tracks.
Tres cazadores hab�an seguido por
Tres cazadores hab�an seguido por mucho tiempo la pista de un animal muy raro que ten�a un piel hermosa y muy cara.
Finalmente lograron obtener informaci�n importante sobre este animal. Descubrieron que s�lo sal�a de su escondite una vez cada 10 a�os, de noche, y que se asustaba muy f�cilmente.
Cuando llegaron al lugar donde supuestamente iba a salir el animal hicieron el trato de que pasara lo que pasara no iban a gritar ni hacer ruido. As� que se escondieron los 3, cada uno por su lado. Despu�s de varias horas de espera oyeron un ruido, y vieron al extra�o animal, y esperaron el momento ideal para disparar.
Justo cuando lo ten�an en la mira, uno de ellos sale corriendo y gritando. El animal por supuesto se escondi�, y van los otros dos cazadores donde estaba el asustado, lo encuentran sudando y con la respiraci�n agitada y le preguntan que hab�a pasado, y el les responde:
“Pues estaba yo agachado y que me sale un le�n.”
“�Y saliste corriendo y gritaste?”
“No, me acord� de nuestro trato y me aguant� y no me mov�, pero despu�s que me sale una serpiente venenosa.”
“Y entonces por eso saliste corriendo �no?”
“No, tambi�n me aguant�, pero despu�s de la sepiente llegaron dos ardillas y se me metieron al pantal�n.”
“�y eso te asust�?”
“No, me asust� cuando las o�, “�Nos las comemos aqu� o nos las llevamos a la casa!”
Sex
a gal asked a boy, “do u think im pretty?”
“no”
“if i left wud u cry?”
“no”
“wud u like to touch my cunt?”
“no”
the girl felt hurt and walked away. but…
the guy grabbed her arm and turned her around
“ur not pretty, ur beautiful
if u left i wudnt cry, id die
i wudnt like to touch ur cunt, id like to be in ur cunt!”
and he shoved her into the bed and fucked her
Virtual Reality Not For Women
My wife gave me a lesson the other night on User Interface Problems, that really points up some of the differences between the sexes.
We were watching CNN’s Technology program they have on weekends, when a segment on Virtual Reality came on.
Looking at the all the wires and gadgets, she turned to me and said that Virtual Reality would never catch on with women.
I was puzzled by this, until she explained, “Every woman’s first thought on seeing that helmet will be, ‘I can’t wear that.
It will mess up my hair!'”
Skyjacking
What’s the definition of skyjacking?
A hand job at 32,000 feet.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown