Your dad says (southern accent), “come over to the dark side son, it’ll be a
HOOT!”
Author: admin
Play Pens
Mary Simpson was almost crazy with her three kids. She complained to her best friend, “They’re driving me nuts. Such pests, they give me no rest and I’m half-way to the nut hatch.”
“What you need is a playpen to separate the kids from yourself,” her friend said.
So Mary bought a playpen. A few days later, her friend called to ask how things were going.
“Superb! I can’t believe it,” Mary said. “I get in that pen with a good book and the kids don’t bother me one bit!”
By the way – Mary is blonde.
Sun no moon
Two men are having an arguement one says thats the sun the other says no thats the moon no thats the sun no thats the moon along comes an Irish man the two stop him please mate help us solve this arguement i say that up there is the sun this guy says no thats the moon could you tell us what it is sorry guys but i am not from around these areas replies the Irish man.
A Good Cold
After a long day at the office the woman sat back in her seat on the train and waited for it to pull out of the station. Just then a middle-aged man settled into the seat next to her. All of a sudden the man sneezed loudly, before proceeding to unzip his trousers, wiping his penis with his hankerchief. Horrified, the woman edged away and buried her head in her book…
Just then he sneezed again. Once again he unzipped himself and wiped his penis. Now very uncomfortable, the woman glared at him in disgust… but he did it again… sneezed, unzipped his trousers and wiped his penis… the woman could not contain her herself any longer.
“What on earth are you doing?!” She cried…
The man looked embarrassed..
“Well you see,” he replied, “I have this cold at the moment… every time I sneeze I have an orgasm”
“Oh dear!” exclaimed the woman, “that must be terrible… What are you taking for it”
…”Pepper” he replied.
Yo momma so fat that when she sat on the rainbow,…
Yo momma so fat that when she sat on the rainbow, skittles popped out!!!
Paris having sex
Paris Hilton’s last date evidently could stand some improvement.
Halfway through making love, she had the Red cross came over and give the guy coffee and doughnuts.
National Books About the Elelphant
Every nation has to write a book about the Elephant:
The French book – The Sex Life of the Elephant or: 1000 ways to cook Elephant.
The English book – Elephants I have shot on Safari.
The Welsh book – The Elephant and its influence on Welsh language and culture or: Oes ysgol tocynnau eleffant llanfairpwll nhadau coeden.
The American book – How to Make Bigger And Better Elephants.
The Japanese book – How to Make Smaller And Cheaper Elephants.
The Greek book – How to Sell Elephants for a Lot of Money.
The Finnish book – What Do Elephants Think about Finnish People.
The German book – A Short Introduction to Elephants, Vol 1-
6.
The Icelandic book – Defrosting an Elephant.
The Swiss book – Switzerland: The Country Through Which Hannibal Went With His Elephants.
The Canadian book – Elephants: A Federal or State Issue?
The Swedish book – How to reduce your taxes with an elephant.
Remedy for a One Min
A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, “When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself.” That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, “How did it go?” The man answered, “Not that well. When I fired the pistol, my wife shit on my face, bit my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!”
Blonde Kidnapper
A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to
kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid,
took him behind a tree, and told him, “I’ve kidnapped you.”
She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put
$10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the
north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.” The blonde pinned the note to
the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.
U. Michigan/Ohio State
an ohio state university mortician student walked into the embalming room
where a cadaver was lying on the table. confident that he knew enough now to
begin the procedure without his instructor, he began to examine the body. when
he rolled it over he was shocked to see a cork in the man’s butt. mystified, he
pulled out the cork and immediately heard the university of michigan fight song
come out of the guy’s butt. shaken by what had happened he quickly shoved the
cork back into its original resting place.
he then ran to get his instructor, nervously shouting, “sir, you must come,
you won’t believe what i discovered!”
annoyed by the interruption, he said, “let’s take a look at this astounding
discovery.”
when they entered the morgue, the teacher was also surprised to
see the cork, so he approached the table and promptly removed the cork. upon
hearing the university of michigan fight song he quickly replaced the cork in
the cadavers butt and said, “what’s so surprising about that? i’ve heard
thousands of a******* sing that song!”
The Top 13 Features of a Car Designed for Women
13> Tom Cruise Control.
12> Spare tire compartment contains a skirt with a long slit to attract potential tire-changing good Samaritans hoping to get lucky.
11> The mirror reads, “Asses in mirror appear smaller because they *really are* smaller. It’s not an optical illusion. And you look totally smokin’ in those khakis.”
10> Whenever an unattractive man turns the ignition, the engine doesn’t start and a voice states, “It’s not you, it’s me.”
9> Radio filters out stupid men’s voices one week out of every month.
8> Out: lumbar support. In: emotional support.
7> Lower-dash-mounted fan — ’cause you try wearing panty-hose all day in July, Mister!
6> In lieu of a honking horn, steering wheel whispers, “You’re fat!” at drivers of threatening cars.
5> Fake steering wheel and pedals on the passenger side so, as in every other aspect of the marriage, hubby can pretend *he’s* in control.
4> During PMS, OnStar system locates the nearest chocolate retailer.
3> At tune-ups, the car requests gasoline with oil separately on the side, dry wiper fluid, towel-patted engine block and please put on the new tires *before* doing the alignment.
2> A simple controller switch adjusts gas/brake pedal positions for flats, office heels or clubbing heels.
1> Cup holder now dubbed the “testicle receptacle” for holding your emasculated PT Cruiser-driving boyfriend’s balls.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2004 by Chris White ]
Spirit of giving
The minister of a city church enjoyed a drink now and then, but his passion was for peach brandy. One of his congregants would make him a bottle each Christmas. One year, when the minister went to visit his friend, hoping for his usual Christmas present, he was not disappointed, but his friend told him that he had to thank him for the peach brandy from the pulpit the next Sunday.
In his haste to get the bottle, the minister hurriedly agreed and left. So the next Sunday the minister suddenly remembered that he had to make a public announcement that he was being supplied alcohol from a member of the church. That morning, his friend sat in the church with a grin on his face, waiting to see the minister’s embarrassment.
The minister climbed into the pulpit and said, “Before we begin, I have an announcement. I would very much like to thank my friend, Joe, for his kind gift of peaches … and for the spirit in which they were given!”