A completely inebriated man walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her, placed his hand up her skirt and began fondling her. She jumped up and slapped him silly.He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.””Why you drunken, worthless, insufferable ass!” she screamed.”Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”
Author: admin
Reservations
A newly married couple show up at a hotel and ask for the honeymoon suite.
“Do you have reservations?” inquires the receptionist.
“Only one,” replies the groom. “She won’t take it up the ass.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Flat Frog
A little kid is walking down the footpath with a flat frog tied to a peice of string. He walks into the Brothel and walks to the front desk and says “i would like to have sex with your disesed woman please.” the lady at the desk says “why do you want to do that?”
the boy said “if i have sex with her i will get the disease then i will go home and the baby sitter will have sex with me and when dad takes the baby sitter home hes going to bonk her brains out then when he comes back he will have sex with my mum and when dad goes to work in the morning mum will have sex with the milk man and i hope the milkman dies from that disease because he is the on who ran over my bloody frog!!!!
Any Cock Will Do
What’s the difference between a my sister and a hen?
A hen says, “Cluck, cluck, cluck.” and my sister says, “Cock a
doodle doo, any cock will do….”
Talking Dog
A yellow Labrador walks into a job referral agency and asks if they have any openings for him. After the receptionist picks herself up off the floor she asks the dog to leave his resume and call back in an hour.
The dog places his resume on the counter and walks out.
As soon as the dog leaves she calls the circus and asks if they can use a talking dog.
“Of course,” says the owner, “send him down.”
An hour later, the dog walks back into the agency and the receptionist yells that she has a job for the dog in the circus.
To which the dog replies, “What does the circus want with a carpenter?”
Hack Golfer
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf and enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says, “I’ve played so poorly all day, I think I’m going to go drown myself in that lake.”The caddy looks back at him and says, “I don’t think you could keep your head down that long.”
What not to do in a bathroom
A man stops into this little backwoods restaurant for lunch, and after finishing his meal he inquires the way to the rest room. He�s told that it�s around the back of the building, so he heads through the back door, finds the outhouse and takes a dump, only to discover there�s no toilet paper. But there is a sign on the wall that reads, �Wipe yourself with your finger, then insert the finger into this hole, and your finger will be cleaned with great attention.� So the man wipes up and sticks his finger through the hole. On the other side is standing a little boy holding a brick in either hand, who claps them together at the sight of the finger poking through. The guy screams in pain, yanks his hand back, and starts sucking on his finger. So now his finger is cleaned with great attention…
The wall
Did you ever hear the joke about the wall??
Better not tell you coz you mite not get over it!!!!
a cow
This right here is one of the best jokes ever. No matter what all my friends say.
Q: What did the Cow who crossed the road say to the other cow who didn’t?
A: “Chicken!”
WHY GOD NEVER RECEIVED A PHD ?
1. He had only one major publication.
2. It was in Hebrew.
3. It had no references.
4. It wasn’t published in a refereed journal.
5. Some even doubt he wrote it by himself.
6. It may be true that he created the world, but what has he done since then?
7. His cooperative efforts have been quite limited.
8. The scientific community has had a hard time replicating his results.
9. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human subjects.
10. When one experiment went awry he tried to cover it by drowning his
subjects.
11. When subjects didn’t behave as predicted, he deleted them from
the sample.
12. He rarely came to class, just told students to read the book.
13. Some say he had his son teach the class.
14. He expelled his first two students for learning.
15. Although there were only 10 requirements, most of his students failed his
tests.
16. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountain
top.
17. No record of working well with colleagues.
The Images of a Mother
4 YEAR OLD: My Mommy can do anything!
8 YEAR OLD: My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEAR OLD: My Mother doesn’t really know quite everything.
14 YEAR OLD: Naturally, my Mother doesn’t know that, either.
16 YEAR OLD: Mother? She’s hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEAR OLD: That old woman? She’s way out of date!
25 YEAR OLD: Well, she might know a little bit about it.
35 YEAR OLD: Before we decide, let’s get Mom’s opinion.
45 YEAR OLD: Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEAR OLD: Wish I could talk it over with Mom…..
Quick Visit to the Dentist
A husband and wife entered the dentist’s office. The
husband said, “I want a tooth pulled. I don’t want gas or
Novocain because I’m in a terrible rush. Just pull the
tooth as quickly as possible.”
“You’re a brave man,” said the dentist. “Now, show me which
tooth it is.”
The husband turns to his wife and says, “Open your mouth
and show the dentist which tooth it is, dear.”