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Wit and Wisdom Of Homer Sipmson

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These are some of Homer Simpson’s quote from Season 1 & 2

Season 1

It says it’s for dogs, but she can’t read.
I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the
light bulb.
Unlike most of you, I am not a but.
When will I learn? The answers to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of
a bottle. They’re on TV!
As far as anyone knows, we’re a nice normal family.
And remember not to act afraid. Animals can smell fear. And they don’t
like it.
I can understand how they wouldn’t let in those wild jungle apes, but what
about those really smart ones who live among us who roller-skate and smoke
cigars?
I couldn’t very well chop your hand off and bring it to the store could I?

Season 2

It’s a fixer-upper. What’s the problem? We get a bunch of priests in
here…
Marge, this ticket doesn’t just give me a seat. It also gives me the
right-no the duty-to make a complete ass of myself.
Oh, cruel fate. Why do you mock me?
You heard me. I won’t be in for the rest of the week. I told you. My
baby beat me up. Oh, it is not the worst excuse I ever thought up.
And anyone can be tooted?
English! Who needs that? I’m never going to England.
A hundred bucks! For a comic book? Who drew it, Micha-malangelo?

Ugly Baby

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A woman got on a bus holding a baby. The bus driver looked at the child and blurted out, “That’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!”

Infuriated, the woman slammed her fare into the fare box and took an aisle seat near the rear of the bus. The man seated next to her sensed that she was agitated and asked her what was wrong.

“The bus driver insulted me,” she fumed.

The man sympathized and said, “Why, he’s a public servant! He shouldn’t say things to insult passengers.”

“You’re right,” she said. “I think I’ll go back up there and give him a piece of my mind!”

“That’s a good idea,” the man said. “Here, let me hold your monkey.”

So stupid 3

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~ she studied for a blood test.

~ she thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.

~ she thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.

~ she thought she needed a token to get on Soul train.

~ she sold the car for gas money.

~ when she saw the “NC-17” (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.

~ when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.

~ she thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.

~ when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.

~ when she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said “Airport Left” she turned around and went home.

Submitted by Yisman
Edited by Calamjo

Pizza!

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One night after prom a guy took a girl on a dead end road and she was like where are we at? The guy replied this is where guys and girls go to have sex after prom! She was like ol ok! The guy was then like do you wanna have sex and the girl replied no and the guy was like why not?!?! The girl was like because im on my period. The guy said ok well then can i eat you out and the again replied no im on my period. So they sat there for awhile and the guy was finally like well then can i finger you and she replied ok. Then not to long after that a cop pulled up and came up and knocked on the window of the car. So the guy rolls down the window and says is there a problem officer? The officer was like no but what are you kids doin and the boy replied while licking his fingers eatin pizza.

Making Candles

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Two ship captains were sitting at the bar one night getting good and lit when one turned to the other and said, “You know what gets me, though, is these damn sailors! Oh sure, they’re fine for the first few weeks, but on those three-month trips at sea they start getting pretty hard up. With all the whacking off going on, it’s a wonder any work is getting done, and it’s making a mess all over the ship. I don’t know what to do!”The other captain smiles knowingly at his companion.”Oldest trick in the book. You take the crew and divide them into two teams. Then you buy about 50 barrels and put them on the ship. You tell the crew that the team that fills the most barrels wins a bag of gold.””Well that’s a great way to keep the ship clean, but then I’m out a bag of gold every trip!””Not so,” replied the other captain.”After you get back to port, take all the barrels together and sell them to the wax factory to make into candles. You make a tidy profit every time.”The captain pondered this and the next day, he took his friend’s advice and divided the crew, bought a bunch of barrels, and set off to sea. Before long, the crew took to the new system and began filling barrel after barrel. When they finally reached port, the captain sold the barrels for a huge profit. ‘This is great,’ thought the captain, ‘before long, I’ll be able to buy a new boat!’This went on, voyage after voyage. Then one day, the ship happened back to that very first port. Coming down the gangplank, the captain was surprised to see the cops waiting for him. As they slapped the cuffs on him, the captain cried out, “What’s the meaning of this?!””You sick bastard,” replied the cop.”Remember all those barrels you sold to the candle factory last time you passed through town?””Sure,” said the captain.”What about ’em?!””Well, they made them into candles, sold them to the convent, and now all the nuns are pregnant!”

Size does Matter

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This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, “Say, wanna
have a good time?” “Sure,” he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, “Is this
the first pussy you seen since you crawled out of one?” The guy says,
“Nope, just the first one I’ve seen big enough to crawl back into.”

Estaban dos norte�os en un

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Estaban dos norte�os en un pueblo de Sinaloa, en un billar jugando pool.

Entonces uno de ellos le dice al otro, con tono norte�o:

“Oye compadre, se me hace que yo tengo el pene m�s grande que t�.

Y le contesta el otro: “No jodas compadre, hasta ahorita no hay quien la tenga m�s grande que yo en todo el pueblo.”

Y su compadre le dice: “�qu� tal si las ponemos en la mesa de billar para medirlas?”

Y as� lo hicieron. Al ver eso los otros parroquianos dijeron:

“�Miren. hay competencia en la mesa 2!”, y enseguida todos se la sacaron y las pusieron sobre la mesa.

En eso entran dos maricones al billar, y al ver eso uno de ellos, en seguida le dice al otro:

“�Apurate manita que hay buffet en la mesa 2!”

The irresistable bet

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a guy walks into a bar and meets up with a few friends.after a couple of shots of tequila, he stagers over to the bar and asks the barkeep for another shot of tequila and the bartender obliges,this goes on for about an hour or so.finially the man requests another,the barkeep says i gotta cut ya off youre way too intoxicated. the man assures the keeper hes just gettin started. ,he also replies i got a cab on the way 1 more for the road and again the keep serves up another round.the man asks the keep if he is a wagering kind of guy . the keep replies sure am!the man asks the keep to set his shot glass on the bar,which he does. staggering around and holding on to a patron he says i bet you 1,000 bucks i can piss in that there shot glass! barkeep says take three steps back and i will raise ya 500 to your 1,000,the man replies your on!he takes his steps back and gives it all he has ,pissin all over the bar ,a patron or two and never gets the first drop in the glass. giggling as he gladly pays his tab and his loss ,the keep says to the man you dont seem too broke up about loosin so much money,whats the deal? the man replies if you look just behind me those guys standing over there? i just bet them i could piss all over your bar and everyone around it and you would not do anything but laugh about it!