Author: admin

A scientist was going to do experiments on the functions
of the brain. So after gathering three volunteers, he decided
to see what would happen when he removed the left half of the
brain from the first man. After doing the operation he put
the man into a rowing machine who proceeded to row and count:
“one…three…five…seven…”

He wrote down the results and decided to see the effects
of removing the right side of the brain on his second volunteer.
After the operation he put the second man in the rowing machine
and he counted while he rowed: two…four…six…eight.

Finally, the scientist wanted to see what would happen
if he removed the entire brain. After doing so on the third
volunteer, he put him in the rowing machine and the patient
counted: uno…dos…tres…quatro…

there was a fat guy and he had a fat head with a fat wife and
fat kids his whole family was fat except one of his kids they
wondered why he wasnt fat than one day when he was going to die
of cancer he told his parents he was a crack hed

Father! Father! An old man just hobbled into the church on crutches. He splashed some holy water on his right leg and then he threw away his right crutch, and then he splashed some holy water on his left leg and threw away his left crutch! And…””My boy, you’ve witnessed a miracle! Where is this old man now?””Flat on his ass on the floor over by the holy water!”

: A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the > > class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying > > attention. > > She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and > > whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite > > itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the principal’s office. He was > > to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it > > and > > returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the > > room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk > > with his penis hanging out.”I thought I told you to call your Mom.” She > > screamed. “I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it > > out > > till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.”

When the old golfer died, Peter met him at the gates of
heaven. “Sorry, old man,” Peter said, “But I can’t let you in.
You see the big book here says you committed one unpardonable sin
back in 1978 — You took the Lord’s name in vain during a golf game.”

“Oh, yes. I’ll never forget that one, and I’m terribly sorry Peter,
but I can explain…”, the old golfer blithered.

“Well,” said Peter, “You’ll have to take it up with The Big Guy.”

So Peter led the old golfer down a long golden hallway, to God’s
office. “We’ve got another code 6 here, sir! Says he can explain…”

“So,” booms God, “You’ve been taking my name in vain.”

“Only once, your Almighty, Sir. But I can explain!”

“OK. Try me, ” replied the Lord.

“Well you see sir, I was playing my best game of golf ever, and I
made it to the 18th hole, and I’d win the tournament if I could
just make par on this hole. I made my shot from the
tee, and it was sailing beautifully, when suddenly the wind
shifted, and took my ball off into the woods, and right behind
this enormous oak tree…”

“And that’s when you took my name in vain?”

“Oh, no, sir! I just took out my 6 iron and knocked that ball
clear out of the woods with one swing! It was gliding beautifully
toward the green, when suddenly it lost speed, and dropped into
a sand trap, right smack in the middle of a deep hole…”

“So, that is when you took my name in vain?”

“No, not then. I just took out my nine, and with one swing, drove
that ball right onto the green, and it rolled within two inches of the
hole…”

“Don’t tell me you missed a goddamn two inch putt!”