Author: admin

Q: What do you get when you cross a raven with a mad dog? A: A ravin lunatic.

A friend and I were standing in line at a fast-food restaurant, waiting to place our order.

There was a big sign posted. “No bills larger than $20 will be accepted.”

The woman in front of us, pointing to the sign, remarked, “Believe me, if I HAD a bill larger than $20, I wouldn’t be eating here.”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.

The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”

To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”

Recently, a magazine ran a contest. They were looking for people to submit quotes from their real-life managers. Here are some of the submissions: 1. As of tomorrow, employees will only be able to access the building using individual security cards. Pictures will be taken next Wednesday and employees will receive their cards in two weeks. (This was the winning quote from Fred Dales at Microsoft Corp in Redmond, WA.)2. What I need is a list of specific unknown problems we will encounter. (Lykes Lines Shipping)3. E-mail is not to be used to pass on information or data. It should be used only for company business. (Accounting manager, Electric Boat Company)4. This project is so important, we can’t let things that are more important interfere with it. (Advertising/Marketing manager, United Parcel Service)5. Doing it right is no excuse for not meeting the schedule. No one will believe you solved this problem in one day! We’ve been working on it for months. Now, go act busy for a few weeks and I’ll let you know when it’s time to tell them. (R&D supervisor, Minnesota Mining and Manufacturing/3M Corp.)6. My Boss spent the entire weekend retyping a 25-page proposal that only needed corrections. She claims the disk I gave her was damaged and she couldn’t edit it. The disk I gave her was write-protected. (CIO of Dell Computers)7. Quote from the Boss: “Teamwork is a lot of people doing what I say.” (Marketing executive, Citrix Corporation)8. “How About Friday?” My sister passed away and her funeral was scheduled for Monday. When I told my Boss, he said she died so that I would have to miss work on the busiest day of the year. He then asked if we could change her burial to Friday. He said, “That would be better for me.” (Shipping executive, FTD Florists)9. “We know that communication is a problem, but the company is not going to discuss it with the employees.” (Switching supervisor, AT&T Long Lines Division)10. We recently received a memo from senior management saying: “This is to inform you that a memo will be issued today regarding the subject mentioned above.” (Microsoft, Legal Affairs Division)11. One day my Boss asked me to submit a status report to him concerning a project I was working on. I asked him if tomorrow would be soon enough. He said “If I wanted it tomorrow, I would have waited until tomorrow to ask for it!” (New business manager, Hallmark Greeting Cards.)12. Speaking the Same Language: As director of communications, I was asked to prepare a memo reviewing our company’s training programs and materials. In the body of the memo one of the sentences mentioned the “pedagogical approach” used by one of the training manuals. The day after I routed the memo to the executive committee, I was called into the HR director’s office, and told that the executive vice president wanted me out of the building by lunch. When I asked why, I was told that she wouldn’t stand for “perverts” (pedophilia?) working in her company. Finally he showed me her copy of the memo, with her demand that I be fired – and the word “pedagogical” circled in red. The HR manager was fairly reasonable, and once he looked the word up in his dictionary, and made a copy of the definition to send back to her, he told me not to worry. He would take care of it. Two days later a memo to the entire staff came out directing us that no words which could not be found in the local Sunday newspaper could be used in company memos. A month later, I resigned. In accordance with company policy, I created my resignation memo by pasting words together from the Sunday paper. (Taco Bell Corporation)13. This gem is the closing paragraph of a nationally-circulated memo from a large communications company: “(Company name) is endeavorily determined to promote constant attention on current procedures of transacting business focusing emphasis on innovative ways to better, if not supersede, the expectations of quality!” (Lucent Technologies)

Col. Saunders was lying on his death bed and asked to have the Pope visit
him.
It was explained that the pope is a very busy man and that he did not make
such visits.
Col Saunders said if he could have the pope visit him he would give a large
donation to the church.

The pope was on the next flight and went to visit Col Saunders in his
hospital bed.

The Col. felt he would like to leave his legacy on this earth, so he asked
the pope “you know that part in the bible where it says ‘give us this day our
daily bread'” Yes, said the pope, “do you think you could change that to
‘give us this day our daily chicken’

Startled at this the pope said that this was not possible. Col. Sanders then
told the pope if he could make the change he would give the church
$50,000,000.00 and 5,000,000 every year that it remained. The Col. then
expired.

The pope left the Col. and went back to the Vatican and called all of the
Bishops and the Theologians and spoke to them all. “On my trip to the
United States, I have some good news and some bad news, first the good news,
I made us $50,000,000.00 with an additional $5,000,000.00 dollars coming in
every year thereafter, the bad news is we lost the Wonder-Bread account.”.