A man walked into a bar and ordered a glass of white wine. He took a sip of the wine, then tossed the remainder into the bartender’s face. Before the bartender could recover from the surprise, the man began weeping. “I’m sorry,” he said. “I’m really sorry. I keep doing that to bartenders. I can’t tell you how embarrassing it is, to have a compulsion like this.”Far from being angry, the bartender was sympathetic. Before long, he was suggesting that the man see an analyst about his problem. “I happen to have the name of a Psychoanalyst,” the bartender said. “My Brother and my Wife have both been treated by him, and they say he’s as good as they get.”The man wrote down the name of the Doctor, thanked the bartender, and left. The bartender smiled, knowing he’d done a good deed for a fellow human being.Six months later, the man was back. “Did you do what I suggested?” the bartender asked, serving the glass of white wine.”I certainly did,” the man said. “I’ve been seeing the Psychoanalyst twice a week.” He took a sip of the wine. Then he threw the remainder into the bartender’s face.The flustered bartender wiped his face with a towel. “The Doctor doesn’t seem to be doing you any good.” He sputtered.”On the contrary,” the man claimed, “he’s done me world of good.””But you threw the wine in my face again!” The bartender exclaimed.”Yes.” The man replied. “But it doesn’t embarrass me anymore.”
Author: admin
Early Rising
Helen and Amanda were discussing their busy schedules.
Helen said, “Amanda, I must ask you something. Every day I feel incredibly run down and tired. And yet, I see you looking as fresh as a rose. I have to know: what’s your secret?”
“My secret? Every morning, without fail, I wake up at six o’clock sharp.”
“You wake up at six o’clock?”
“Yes, and then I look at the clock, see what time it is, and go back to sleep for another four hours.”
Yo Mamma is so ugly
yo Mamma is so ugly she stuck her head out the window and got arrested for disturbing the peace.
SEXUAL POSITIONS
HAVE YOU TRIED THE NEW SOCIAL SECURITY SEX POSITION ?
WHEN YOUR BALLS HIT HER ARSE SHE IS RECIEVING THE FULL BENEFIT..
Dennis Rodman
A woman is picked up by Dennis Rodman in a bar.
They like each other and she goes back with him to his hotel room.
He removes his shirt revealing all his tattoos and she sees that on his arm is one which reads, “Reebok”.
She thinks that’s a bit odd and asks him about it.
Dennis says, “When I play basketball, the cameras pick up the tattoo and Reebok pays me for advertisement.”
A bit later, his pants are off and she sees “Puma” tattooed on his leg.
He gives the same explanation for the unusual tattoo.
Finally, the underwear comes off and she sees the word “AIDS” tattooed on his penis.
She jumps back with shock. “I’m not going to do it with a guy who has AIDS!”
He says, “It’s cool baby, in a minute it’s going to say “ADIDAS”.
Chair Man of the Board
Resolving to surprise her husband, an executive’s wife stopped by his office.
When she opened the door, she found him with his secretary sitting in his lap.
Without hesitating, he dictated, “…and in conclusion, gentlemen, budget
cuts or no budget cuts, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one
chair.”
Heaven and Room 8
A man is ready to enter the pearly white gates of heaven and St.
Peter asks, “Religion?”
The man answers, “Muslim.”
St. Peter replies, “ok, go to room 23 but be quiet as you go by
room 8.”
The man says thank you and goes on his way. Another man enters
and St. Peter asks, “Religion?”
The man tells Peter, “Buddhist.”
St. Peter answers, “go to room 17 but be quiet as you pass room
8.”
This man also thanks the Saint and goes to room 17. A third man
comes and St. Peter asks, “Religion?”
The man answers, “Protestant.”
St. Peter directs the man, “go to room 10 but be quiet as you
pass room 8.”
The man is curious and asks St. Peter, “St. Peter, I thank you
for your direction and kindness but why must I be quiet as I
pass room 8?”
“Well my brother,” Peter replies “The Catholics are in room 8
and they think they are the only one here.”
A man spoke
A man spoke frantically into the phone, “My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart!” “Is this her first child?” the doctor asked. “No, you idiot!” the man shouted. “This is her husband!”
Shit Happens
In the beginning, there was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form, And the Plan was without substance. And darkness was upon the face of the Workers
And they spoke among themselves saying, “It’s a crock of shit, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors saying, “It is a vessel of fertiliser, and none may abide it’s strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful.”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote growth, and vigour of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan, and said that it was good, And the Plan became Policy.
And this is how shit happens.
Taxes by male
NEW TAX LAW The only thing that the IRS has not yet taxed is the male penis. This is due to the fact that 40% of the time it is hanging around unemployed, 30% of the time it is hard up, 20% of the time is is pissed off, and 10% of the time it is in the hole. On top of that, it has 2 dependents and they are both nuts. Effective January 1st, 1999, your penis will be taxed according to size. The brackets are as follows: 10-12” Luxury Tax $30.008-10” Privilege Tax $15.005-8” Nuisance Tax $3.00Males exceeding 12” must file under Capital Gains. Anyone under 4” is eligible for a refund. PLEASE DO NOT ASK FOR AN EXTENSION!! Sincerely,Pecker CheckerIRS ***NOTE*** We are still waiting for answers for the following questions: * Are there penalties for early withdrawals?* What if one’s penis is self-employed?* Do multiple partners count as a corporation?* Are condoms a deductible expense as work clothes?* Is there an additional tax if you are not circumcised?
Monkies in a tree.
There were 4 monkeys in a tree.
Why did the first monkey fall out of the tree?
– It died.
Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
– It was tied on to the first monkey.
Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
– It got hit by the first two.
Why did the fourth monkey fall out of the tree?
– Peer pressure.
Being a Good Son in Law
A gentleman, fresh out of gift ideas, bought his mother-in-law a large plot in an expensive cemetary. On her next birthday, he bought her nothing.
She was quick to comment loud and long on his thoughtlessness. The gentleman said only one thing, “Well, you haven’t used the gift I gave you last year.”