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A mother-in-law visits her son-in-law before leaving for a trip. They are sipping coffee and chatting.
Suddenly, mother-in-law looks at the clock and jumps off her chair exclaiming, “My god! It’s already three P.M. I’m about to miss my train!” She begins to put her clothes on in a hurry.
At this moment, the son-in-law’s daughter runs up to her and before he can do anything and announces, “Don’t hurry, granny! Daddy moved the clock two hours ahead!”
What’s the difference between Hugh Grant and Bill Clinton?
One’s a bad actor whose career went down the toilet after he got caught out
getting a blowjob. The other was the star of Four Weddings and a Funeral.
A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial –it went like this:
Q: Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A: No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q: Officer, who provided this description?
A: The officer who responded to the scene.
Q: A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?
A: Yes sir, with my life.
Q: WITH YOUR LIFE? Let me ask you this then officer–do you have a locker room in the police station–a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?
A: Yes sir, we do.
Q: And do you have a locker in that room?
A: Yes sir, I do.
Q: And do you have a lock on your locker?
A: Yes sir.
Q: Now why is it, officer, IF YOU TRUST YOUR FELLOW OFFICERS WITH YOUR LIFE, that you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with those officers?
A: You see sir, we share the building with a court complex, and sometimes defense attorneys have been known to walk through that room
The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking
about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they
have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings
up the subject of sex.
“Just how do you guys do it?” asks Maureen. “Pretty much the way you do,”
responds the Martian.
Discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the
night and experience one another.
Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips.
He’s got only a teeny, weeny member about half an inch long and just a
quarter inch thick.
“I don’t think this is going to work,” says Maureen.
“Why?” he asks, “What’s the matter?”
“Well,” she replies, “It’s just not long enough to reach me!”
“No problem,” he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm.
With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it’s quite
impressively long.
“Well,” she says, “That’s quite impressive, but it’s still pretty narrow.”
“No problem,” he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his
member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely
exciting to the woman.
“Wow!” she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love.
The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their
separate ways.
As they walk along, Mike asks “Well, was it any good?”
“I hate to say it,” says Maureen, “but it was pretty wonderful. How about
you?”
“It was horrible,” he replies, All I got was a headache. All she kept
doing the whole time was slapping my forehead and pulling my ears.”
One day, a Chicago lawyer died. He went to the gates of Hell to receive his eternal punishment. The Devil called his servant and told him too take the lawyer to the deepest, hottest pit, get the heaviest sledgehammer and the hardest rocks, and put him to work. The servant did as he was told.The servant decided to check on him an hour later. When he got there, the lawyer was smiling and whistling while he worked. Confused, he asked the man, “Are you enjoying this?”The lawyer replied, “When I was a child I worked on a farm with my father. This actually brings back a lot of good memories.”The servant thought for a moment, then snapped his fingers and the deep, hot pit turned into an arctic environment.”Maybe this will be a little less satisfying!” said the servant happily.An hour later, the servant went to check on the lawyer and saw that he was still smiling and whistling! “Why are you still happy?” he asked.”Well,” replied the lawyer, “it’s cold day in Hell, the Bears must have won the Superbowl!”
In First Grade little Johnnie raises his hand. The teacher asks
what he wants and he says he needs to go to the restroom. He’s
excused and leaves. Five minutes later, he returns and whispers
to the teacher, “I can’t find it.” She gives little Johnnie
directions to the boy’s room. Five minutes later, he is back and
tells the teacher, “I still can’t find it. The teacher sends
Eddie with little Johnnie. When they return, the teacher asks
Eddie if they found it. Eddie says, “We found it this time. He
had his pants on backward.”
what did did the fish say when it swam into the wall?
dam
There is this blonde in the middle of a parkinglot rowing a boat.
This other blonde drives by an dsees this blonde rowing a boat in the middle of a parking lot So she stops her car gets out and yells “IF I COULD SWIM, I WOULD SIM OVER THERE AND DROWN YOU. YOU GIVE US BLONDES A BAD NAME!!”
A mathematician and a physicist were asked the following question: Suppose you walked by a burning house and saw a hydrant and a hose not connected to the hydrant. What would you do?P: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.M: I would attach the hose to the hydrant, turn on the water, and put out the fire.Then they were asked this question: Suppose you walked by a house and saw a hose connected to a hydrant. What would you do?P: I would keep walking, as there is no problem to solve.M: I would disconnect the hose from the hydrant and set the house on fire, reducing the problem to a previously solved form.
This elderly lady, recently widowed, decides to see if a pet will ease her
loneliness and goes to the pet store. She decides against puppies, kitties,
etc., and is about to leave the store when she hears a voice saying, “My, do you
look lovely this afternoon, madam.”
She turns around quickly to see who has spoken, but there is no one. All she
sees is a big green parrot, resting on his perch in his cage. “Did you say
that?” she asks.
“Why, yes, I did!” he replies. “And may I add that dress is a very nice color
for you.”
The lady suddenly realizes how nice it would be to not only have a talking
parrot, but also one that paid such nice compliments. So she pays for him and
takes him home. On the way, she says, “You know, I am so proud of you that I
believe I’ll take you out for dinner! Would you like that?”
The parrot says, “Why yes, that would be delightful. I know a charming place
on 7th Street.”
So they arrive home and the lady progresses upstairs to her room to change for
dinner, bringing the parrot along, of course. When the woman enters the
building, the parrot begins complaining, swearing, and even bit her once.
Well, the woman is flabbergasted! She grabs the parrot by the throat, marches
down the stairs into the basement, and stuffs the parrot in the freezer. She
leaves him there in the freezer for five long minutes before taking him back
out. The parrot is very cold.
She says, “Well? Have you learned your lesson? I will not tolerate such
language in my house!”
The parrot says, “Okay, okay, I promise it won’t happen again. I am deeply
sorry.”
Within five minutes, he is cursing again and bit her once on the arm
and once on the finger.
The lady is absolutely stunned. She rips the parrot out of his cage, goes down
the stairs, into the cellar, and, slam, into the freezer. This time, she leaves
him in there for fifteen minutes.
When she finally takes him out, the parrot is one step away from death. He is
shivering and has light frost on the beak. “I swear it will never ever happen
again! I will never insult you again! I promise!” As he thaws, he looks up at
the lady and says, “I do have one question though. That turkey in there, what’d
he do, attack you?”
Billy-Bob walks into a bar and says, “Bartender, one round for
everyone, on me!” The bartender says, “Well, seems you’re in a
really good mood tonight, hm?” Billy-Bob says, “Oh, you can bet
on it! I just got hired by the city to go around and remove all
the money from parking meters. I start on Monday!” The bartender
congratulates him and proceeds to pour the round.
Monday evening arrives. Billy-Bob comes back into the bar and
says Bartender, TWO rounds for everyone, on me!” The bartender
says, “Well now! If you’re so happy just over having this new
job, I can just imagine how happy you’ll be when you get your
paycheck!” Billy-Bob looks at the bartender with a wondrous look
on his face, pulls out a handful of quarters from his pocket,
and says, “You mean they’ll PAY me too?”
If red houses are made of redwood and white houses are made of whitewood,
then what are greenhouses made of?
Glass.