DOS Beer:
Requires you to use your own can opener, and requires you to read the
directions carefully before opening the can. Originally only came in an 8-oz.
can, but now comes in a 16-oz. can. However, the can is divided into 8
compartments of 2 oz. each, which have to be accessed separately. Soon to be
discontinued, although a lot of people are going to keep drinking it after it’s
no longer available.
Mac Beer:
At first, came only a 16-oz. can, but now comes in a 32-oz. can. Considered by
many to be a “light” beer. All the cans look identical. When you take one from
the fridge, it opens itself. The ingredients list is not on the can. If you call
to ask about the ingredients, you are told that “you don’t need to know.” A
notice on the side reminds you to drag your empties to the trashcan.
Windows 3.1 Beer:
The world’s most popular. Comes in a 16-oz. can that looks a lot like Mac
Beer’s. Requires that you already own a DOS Beer. Claims that it allows you to
drink several DOS Beers simultaneously, but in reality you can only drink a few
of them, very slowly, especially slowly if you are drinking the Windows Beer at
the same time. Sometimes, for apparently no reason, a can of Windows Beer will
explode when you open it.
OS/2 Beer:
Comes in a 32-oz can. Does allow you to drink several DOS beers
simultaneously. Allows you to drink Windows 3.1 Beer simultaneously too, but
somewhat slower. Advertises that its cans won’t explode when you open them, even
if you shake them up. You never really see anyone drinking OS/2 Beer, but the
manufacturer (International Beer Manufacturing) claims that 9 million six-packs
have been sold.
Windows 95 Beer:
The can looks a lot like Mac Beer’s can, but tastes more like Windows 3.1
Beer. It comes in 32-oz. cans, but when you look inside, the cans only have 16
oz. of beer in them. Most people will probably keep drinking Windows 3.1 Beer
until their friends try Windows 95 Beer and say they like it. The ingredients
list, when you look at the small print, has some of the same ingredients that
come in DOS beer, even though the manufacturer claims that this is an entirely
new brew.
Windows 98 Beer
Looks just like Windows 95 beer, but has more fat. Actually has 32 oz. per can
this time even though they claim it has more than Windows 95 beer. Hardly
anybody is drinking it because they just figured out how to open the cans in
Windows 95 beer. Manufacturer claims this is a mnew and improved beer, what they
mean is the caught the brew master pissing in the Windows 95 beer and the
Windows 98 beer is minus these problems.
Windows NT Beer:
Comes in 32-oz. cans, but you can only buy it by the truckload. This causes
most people to have to go out and buy bigger refrigerators. The can looks just
like Windows 3.1 Beer’s, but the company promises to change the can to look just
like Windows 95 Beer’s – after Windows 95 beer starts shipping. Touted as an
“industrial strength” beer, and suggested only for use in bars.
Unix Beer:
Comes in several different brands, in cans ranging from 8 oz. to 64 oz.
Drinkers of Unix Beer display fierce brand loyalty, even though they claim that
all the different brands taste almost identical. Sometimes the pop-tops break
off when you try to open them, so you have to have your own can opener around
for those occasions, in which case you either need a complete set of
instructions, or a friend who has been drinking Unix Beer for several years.
AmigaDOS Beer:
The company has gone out of business, but their recipe has been picked up by
some weird German company, so now this beer will be an import. This beer never
really sold very well because the original manufacturer didn’t understand
marketing. Like Unix Beer, AmigaDOS Beer fans are an extremely loyal and loud
group. It originally came in a 16-oz. can, but now comes in 32-oz. cans too.
When this can was originally introduced, it appeared flashy and colorful, but
the design hasn’t changed much over the years, so it appears dated now. Critics
of this beer claim that it is only meant for watching TV anyway.
VMS Beer:
Requires minimal user interaction, except for popping the top and sipping.
However cans have been known on occasion to explode, or contain extremely
un-beer-like contents. Best drunk in high pressure development environments.
When you call the manufacturer for the list of ingredients, you’re told that
it’s proprietary and referred to an unknown listing in the manuals published by
the FDA. Rumors are that this was once listed in the Physicians’ Desk Reference
as a tranquilizer, but no one can claim to have actually seen it.