Rumours are going around dat posh an michael jackson is having an affair
michael jackson denies this because he was in brooklyn at the time
Author: admin
Jessie and Bill
Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.
Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton and took his out.
Clinton looked down and said “Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get such a big cock?”
Jessie said “Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the bed post four times, as hard as I can”.
Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed post.
At that time, Hillery said “Is that you Jessie?”
Mammogram Exercises
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared.
Medical compliment
A blonde was having sharp pains in her side.
The doctor examined her and said, ”You have acute appendicitis.”
The blonde yelled at the doctor, ”I came here to get medical help, not get a stupid compliment!”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?…
Q. How do you get a man to do sit-ups?
A. Put the remote control between his toes.
Un se�or va al m�dico
Un se�or va al m�dico con cara de amargado, y le cuenta:
“Doctor, tengo algo que me sube del est�mago al cuello, sube y baja, sube y baja.”
“Ah, no, no es nada”, contesta el m�dico.
“�Seguro, doctor?”
“Seguro.”
“�Y qu� es entonces, doctor?”
“Es un pedo indeciso. Como usted tiene cara de culo, no sabe por donde salir!”
Old Lady and Viagra
An old lady who has a heart condition goes into her husbands
doctor and says, “My husband isn’t performing well in bed
anymore, can i get the viagra pill.”
“Sure,” the doctor says,”Just have him take one of the pills one
hour befre you will do it. Oh yeah, come back in a week and tell
me how it goes and if it works.”
So the lady goes home and then comes back five days later and
says, “Wow, that is pretty good, is it possible for him to take
2 pills?”
“Sure, but come back in 5 days so i can see how it works,” the
doctor explained.
SO the lady came back 3 days later and she is really exited and
exuberant, and proceeds to say, “That’s really great, Is it
alright if he trys 3 pills?”
“Sure, but come back in 3 days,” the doctor told her sternly.
The old lady came back 3 days later and exclaimed, “Oh my god,
thats amazing, can he try half the bottle?” But the doctor said
no and was really hesitent. Butthe lady begged and begged untill
the doctor gave in, but warned her to come back tomorow so he
could see if every thing was alright.
The next day the old lady’s son came in and was hystarycal and
was crying, and screamed, “MY MOM’S DEAD, MY SISTER’S PREGNANT,
MY ASS HURTS, AND MY DADS LOCKED IN THE CAR SAYING, ‘HERE KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY!'”
The World’s 25 Shortest Books
:The World’s 25 Shortest Books:25. ‘Things I Wouldn’t Do for Money’ by Dennis Rodman24. ‘The Difference Between Reality and Dilbert’23. ‘The Book of Virtue’ by Bill Clinton22. ‘To All the Men I’ve Loved Before’ by Ellen21. ‘Strom Thurmond: Intelligent Quotes’20. ‘Human Rights Advances in China’19. ‘My Plan to Find the Real Killers’ by O.J. Simpson18. ‘Al Gore: The Wild Years’17. ‘Amelia Earhart’s Guide to the Pacific Ocean’16. ‘America’s Most Popular Lawyers’15. ‘Career Opportunities for Art History Majors’14. ‘Detroit – A Travel Guide’13. ‘Beauty Tips’ by Roseanne12. ‘Dr. Kevorkian’s Collection of Motivational Speeches’ (subtitled ‘The Power of Positive Thinking’)11. ‘UNIX Made Easy’10. ‘Ethiopian Tips on World Dominance and Fine Dining’ 9. ‘Everything Men Know About Women’ 8. ‘Everything Women Know About Men’ 7. ‘French Hospitality’ 6. ‘George Foreman’s Big Book of Baby Names’ 5. ‘How to Sustain a Musical Career’ by Art Garfunkel 4. ‘101 Spotted Owl Recipes’ by the U.S. EPA 3. ‘Dining in the Ring’ by Mike Tyson 2. ‘The Amish Phone Book’ 1. ‘The Engineer’s Guide to Fashion’
Why don’t mormon’s make love
Why don’t mormon’s make love standing up?
They worry that it could lead to dancing.
Hearing Problems
Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, “your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again.”
To which the gentleman said, “Oh, I haven’t told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I’ve changed my will three times!”
Arriving home
Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, “You know, I don’t know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we’ve been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway, shut off the engine and coast into the garage.
I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!”
His buddy looks at him and says, “Well, you’re obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes into the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the butt and say, ‘You as horny as I am?’ . . . and, she always acts like she’s sound asleep!”
Submitted by Glaci
Edited by Calamjo
Things I’ve learned from my children
If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 42 pound boy wearing pound puppy underwear and a superman cape.
It is strong enough, however, to spread paint on all four walls of a 20 by 20 foot room
When you hear the toilet flush and the words “Uh-oh,” it’s already too late
Brake fluid mixed with Clorox makes smoke, and lots of it
A six year old can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 60 year old man says they can only do it in the movies
If you use a waterbed as home plate while wearing baseball shoes it does not leak – it explodes
A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 2000 sq foot house 4 inches deep
Legos will pass through the digestive tract of a four year old
Super glue is forever
McGyver can teach us many things we don’t want to know
No matter how much Jello you put in a swimming pool you still can’t walk on water
Pool filters do not like Jello
VCR’s do not eject PB&J sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do
Always look in the oven before you turn it on
The fire department in San Jose has at least a 5 minute response time
The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earth worms dizzy
It will however make cats dizzy
Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy