Don’t Eat Bran

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they “oohed and aahed” the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. “It’s free,” Peter replied, “this is Heaven.” Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, “What are the green fees?” Peter’s reply, “This is heaven, you play for free.” Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine’s of the world laid out. “How much to eat?” asked the old man. “Don’t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!” Peter replied with some exasperation. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?” the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, “That’s the best part . . . you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven.” With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, “This is all your fault. If it weren’t for your bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!”

Web Addiction

Rules for surviving Web addiction =================================1. I will have a cup of coffee in the morning and read my newspaper like I used to, before the Web.2. I will eat breakfast with a knife and fork and not with one hand typing.3. I will get dressed before noon.4. I will make an attempt to clean the house, wash clothes, and plan dinner before even thinking of the Web.5. I will sit down and write a letter to those unfortunate few friends and family that are Web-deprived.6. I will call someone on the phone who I cannot contact via the Web.7. I will read a book…think I still remember how.8. I will listen to those around me and stop telling them to turn the TV down so I can hear the music on the Web.9. I will not be tempted during TV commercials to check for e-mail.10. I will try leave the house at least once a week, whether it is necessary or not.11. I will remember that my bank is not forgiving if I forget to balance my chequebook because I was too busy on the Web.12. I will remember I must go to bed sometime…the Web will always be there tomorrow! My comments about the above rules, and how they’ll never work for me. =====================================================================1. Drinking coffee ??!! Yeeuuurrkk !!! I hate coffee !! And reading the newspaper.. no way.. what a waste of a tree ! i can get the same information via the web.2. Who has time for breakfast these days ??? If i have time for breakfast, then i have time to sleep-in just a few minutes longer! -3. I don’t even get up before noon!. – Some days i don’t go to bed either!4. Cleaning the house ?? – That’s womans work !.. That’s why i get my brother to do it !.. He acts like an old woman sometimes. – Washing my clothes ? – Hell.. i only put these things on four days ago… there’s at least another weeks wear i can get out of them before i think about washing them. Planning dinner? For me that is remembering where i put the Dial-a-kebab leaflet…5. I can’t write properly, my joined up writing is illegible, even i have trouble reading it sometimes. As for having friends who don’t own a computer.. well.. last time i saw them was the day before i left college… in the late 1980’s !6. As i said in reply (5), i don’t know anyone who doesn’t have access the the Web, Why would i want to contact someone who is technically challenged anyway??7. Ok.. i do still read books, but that is only during my lunch break, as they don’t let staff use the works computers for surfing the web during the lunch time break, and calling the web via my laptop and my mobile phone costs an arm and a leg.8. Hell.. i don’t have that problem… I have my own special sound-proofed room as my computer room, where i can cut-out all external noise coming from the rest of my house.9. I more likely to be tempted to go and check what’s on the TV, while i wait for my e-mail to download.10. Leave the house ? – Don’t you know all web addicts are really Agoraphobic, which is how they got to be a web addict in the first place !11. That one is no problem, with all this modern up-to-date internet banking, i can balance my chequebook while i am on the web.12. Bed.. what is that then ??? – Does crashing out on the sofa count ??

Wash it please

A man comes home at the evening after the work. His wife meets him, kisses
him. The man is surprised with a such sudden change. He sits at a table in
kitchen, but the wife informs him:
“Honey, our ratio�s transfer to the market ratios. Supper costs $5.”
The husband has estimated and decided it isn’t too expensive. He has agreed.
The wife lays the table. The husband pays off. After the supper he gives a shirt
to her and says:
“Wash it, please.”
“It costs $3” the wife answers.
The husband pays $3 to her. The wife washes. The time for going to bed. The
man touches his wife, but she says:
“It costs $10.”
“But I have only $7 left” the husband responds, turns back and asleep.
The man wakes up at the night because of the noise. He sees a light in all
rooms. His wife looking for something in a handbag. He asks her:
“What are you looking for?”
“I am looking for $3 to lend you.”

Wine Warnings

Due to increasing product liability litigation, wine manufacturers have accepted the Medical Association’s suggestion that the following warning labels be placed immediately on all wine bottles:1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like a moron.3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 am in the morning!6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the hell happened to your trousers.7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with members of the opposite sex without spitting.8. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you have mystical Kung Fu powers.9. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can’t remember).10. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burns on the forehead.11. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Frank.12. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible.13. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing with you.14. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small (and sometimes large) gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.