Q: How many Republican Presidential candidates from 1988 did it take to change a lightbulb?A: (Kemp) It’s morning in America! Why should we worry about light bulbs? Let those doom-crying Democrats worry about light bulbs! [stumble over chair in the dark].
Author: admin
Every silver lining has a
Every silver lining has a cloud around it.
A youngster devoted an entire
A youngster devoted an entire rainy indoors afternoon to a drawing he
was doing with varicolored crayons. His mother finally looked over
his shoulder, and, puzzled, asked “Who’s that you’re drawing, son?”
The son answered, “God.”
“Don’t be silly,” reproved the mother. “Nobody knows what God looks
like.”
Not even pausing in his task, the son announced calmly, “They will
when I’m finished!”
Appeal
One day a nagging lady asked his bored boyfriend “How do you find me?” Pat comes the reply from the lawyer friend “You are like the Supreme Court – No Appeal!!”
Retirement
My nookie days are over
My pilot light is out
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my waterspout
Time was when of its own accord
From my trousers it would spring
But now I’ve got a full time job
To find the blasted thing
It used to be embarrassing
The way it would behave
For every single morning
It would stand and watch me shave
As my old age now approaches
It sure gives me the blues
To see it hang its little head
And watch me tie my shoes
A test for being drunk
A police officer pulls over this guy who had been weaving in and out of the lanes.He goes up to the guy’s window and says, “Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube.”The man says, “Sorry officer I can’t do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that I’ll have a really bad asthma attack.””Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample.” “I can’t do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I’ll bleed to death.””Well, then we need a urine sample.””I’m sorry officer I can’t do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that I’ll get really low blood sugar.””Alright then I need you to come out here and walk this white line.””I can’t do that, officer.””Why not?””Because I’m too drunk to do that!”
The 9 Types of Girlfriends
Ms. Nice Guy – “Tickets to the boxing match? Oh Darling, you shouldn’t have”
Also known as: What a gal, precious, one of the boys, my main squeeze,
doormat
Advantages: Cheerful, agreeable, kindly
Disadvantages: May wise up someday
Old Yeller – “You G-D spineless good-for-nothing drag-ass no-talent son of a
bitch! Can’t you see you’re making me miserable??”
Also known as: She-Devil, Sourpuss, the Nag, My Old Lady, Warthog from Hell
Advantages: Pays attention to you
Disadvantages: Screeches, throws frying pans
Sickly – “Oh, my head. My head. My feet. My cramps. My cellulite”
Also known as: Whiner, Mewler, Glumpy
Advantages: Predictable
Disadvantages: Contagious
The Bosser – “Stand up straight. Put on a different tie. Get a haircut.
Change your job. Make some money. Don’t give me that look.”
Also known as: Whipcracker, The Sarge, Ms. Know-it-all, Ball and Chain, yes,
Mom
Advantages: Often right
Disadvantages: Often right, but so what?
Ms. Vaguely Dissatisfied – “I just can’t decide. Should I switch my career,
goals, home, and hair color?”
Also known as: The Fretter, Worrywart, Typical, Aw c’mon Honey
Advantages: Easily soothed
Disadvantages: Even more easily perturbed
Wild Woman out of Control – “I’ve got an idea. Lez get drunk an’ make love
onna front lawn. I done it before. S’fun.”
Also known as: Fast girl, freewheeler, goodtime charleena, passed out
Advantages: More fun than a barrel of monkeys
Disadvantages: Unreliable; drives off cliffs
Huffy – “I see nothing humorous in those silly cartoons you keep snickering
at”
Also known as: No fun, humorless prig, Cold fish, Chilly proposition,
iceberg, Snarly
Advantages: Your friends will feel sorry for you
Disadvantages: You will have no friends
Woman from Mars – “I believe this interpretive dance will explain how I feel
about our relationship”
Also known as: The Babbler, Spooky Girl, Screwball, Loony, Bad News,
Artistic
Advantages: Entertaining, unfathomable
Disadvantages: Will read her poetry aloud
Ms. Dreamgirl – “I am utterly content with you just the way you are, my
handsome genius of a boyfriend. I think we must make love
like crazed weasels now”
Also known as: Ms. Right, Goddess, Knockout, Perfection, Gorgeous
Advantages: Funny, intelligent uninhibited
Disadvantages: Will have nothing to do with you
Why worry about tomorrow?
Why worry about tomorrow? We may not make it through today.
Statistical one-liner
80% of all statistics quoted to prove a point are made up on the spot.
Listen
A man is driving up a steep narrow mountain road. A woman is driving down the same steep narrow mountain road.
As they pass each other, the woman leans out of the window and yells, “PIG!!”
The man immediately leans out of his window and replies, �BITCH!!�
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he runs into a pig in the middle of the road.
If only men would listen……………..
Statistical one-liner
There is no truth to the allegation that statisticians are mean. They are just your standard normal deviates.
Ducks at the Bar
One rainy day, a duck walks into a bar with a cheeky grin
on his face. He orders a bottle of beer. The bartender asks,
“Why are you so happy?” The duck replies, “Oh, I’ve been in and
out of puddles all day.” The bartender gives him his beer.
Another duck walks in the bar. He has sweat all over him
and he’s panting like a crazy dog. He orders a glass of water.
The bartender asks him, “Why are you panting like that?” The
duck replies, “I’ve been jumping in and out of puddles all day
long.” The bartender gives him the water.
After the two ducks left, another duck walks in the bar
with a frown on her face. She orders a glass of wine. The
bartender asks her, “Why are you so sad?” The duck replies, “I’m
Puddles.”