Q: What is Bill Clinton’s favorite card game?
A: Poker.
Author: admin
Tickle These, Elmo
A women desperately looking for work goes into a toy factory.
The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets
he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and
will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hems and haws and finally says
he does have a low skill job on the Tickle-Me-Elmo line and nothing else. The
woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and
that she should come in at 8am the next day.
The next day at 8:45 there’s a knock at the Personnel Manager’s door. The
Tickle-Me-Elmo line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just
hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly
line is, the Personnel Manager suggested he be shown the problem.
Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from
here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired. She
has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of
marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and take 2 marbles
and starts sewing them between Elmo’s legs.
The Personnel Manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20
minutes of rolling around, he pulls himself together and walks over to the new
employee and says, “I’m sorry, I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I
wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles.”
Good News/Bad News For a Pastor
Good News: You baptized seven people today in the river.Bad News: You lost two of them in the swift current.Good News: The Women’s Guild voted to send you a get-well card.Bad News: The vote passed by 31-30.Good News: The Elder Board accepted your job description the way you wrote it.Bad News: They were so inspired by it, they also formed a search committee to find somebody capable of filling the position.Good News: You finally found a choir director who approaches things exactly the same way you do.Bad News: The choir mutinied.Good News: Mrs. Jones is wild about your sermons.Bad News: Mrs. Jones is also wild about the “Gong Show,” “Beavis and Butthead” and “Texas Chain Saw Massacre.”Good News: Your women’s softball team finally won a game.Bad News: They beat your men’s softball team.Good News: The trustees finally voted to add more church parking.Bad News: They are going to blacktop the front lawn of your parsonage.Good News: Church attendance rose dramatically the last three weeks.Bad News: You were on vacation.Good News: Your deacons want to send you to the Holy Land.Bad News: They are stalling until the next war.Good News: Your biggest critic just left your church.Bad News: He has been appointed the Head Bishop of your denomination.Good News: The youth in your church come to your house for a surprise visit.Bad News: It’s in the middle of the night and they are armed with toilet paper and shaving cream to “decorate” your house.
Tasty Poem
Roses are Red
Violets are Corny
When I think of you
Ooo, Baby I get Horny
Eat Me, Beat Me,
Bite Me, Suck Me,
Fuck Me, Blow Me,
Very slowly
If you Kiss me
Don’t be Hasty
Use your Tongue
And make it Tasty
Untitled joke
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How many forum readers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
51. One to announce that it burned out, 10 to agree, 20 to come running in with new light bulbs and screw them in, 9 to try and screw them in without even removing the old bulb, 10 to ask for a videotape of the screwing, another one to come in a few minutes later and notice the bulb went out again and start the whole process over again.
Hitler vs. Station Wagon
What is the difference between Hitler and a station wagon?
If you don’t know you must be pretty stupid.
How it Happens
In the beginning was the Plan.
And then came the Assumptions.
And the Assumptions were without form.
And the Plan was without substance.
And darkness was upon the face of the Workers.
And the workers spoke among themselves, saying, “This is crock of shit, and it stinks.”
And the Workers went unto their Supervisors and said, “It is a pail of dung, and we can’t live with the smell.”
And the Supervisors went unto their Managers, saying, “It is a container of excrement, and it is very strong, such that none may abide by it.”
And the Managers went unto their Directors, saying, “It is a vessel of fertilizer, and none may abide its strength.”
And the Directors spoke among themselves, saying to one another, “It contains that which aids plant growth, and it is very strong.”
And the Directors went to the Vice Presidents, saying unto them, “It promotes growth, and it is very powerful..”
And the Vice Presidents went to the President, saying unto him, “This new plan will actively promote the growth and vigor of the company with very powerful effects.”
And the President looked upon the Plan and saw that it was good.
And the Plan became Policy.
And that, my friends, is how shit happens.
AnythinG for a Good Grade
An instructor was sitting in his office one afternoon when an attractive, sexy-looking lady knocked on his door.
“Yes?”, he replied, “how may I help you?”
The lady said “I need to talk to you about my grade in your class.”
“Come in and have a seat,” said the instructor.
Is there anything I can do to get an “A” in your class?
“What do you mean by anything?”, he replied.
“Anything.”, she said.
“Anything?”, he said again.
She said, in her best sultry voice “I mean anything.”
The instructor got up from behind his desk, sat down beside her and whispered in her ear, “Would you study?”
Medical Record Quotes
The following quotes were taken from actual medical records dictated by physicians. They appeared in a column written by Richard Lederer, Ph.D., for the Journal of Court Reporting.
* By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better.
*Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
*The patient states there is a burning pain in his penis which goes to his feet.
*On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared.
*She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
*The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in
1983.
*I will be happy to go into her GI system; she seems ready and anxious.
*Patient was released to outpatient department without dressing. I have suggested that he loosen his pants before standing, and then, when he stands with the help of his wife, they should fall to the floor.
*The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
*Discharge status: Alive but without permission. The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him.
*Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year-old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
*The patient refused an autopsy.
*The patient has no past history of suicides.
*The patient expired on the floor uneventfully.
*Patient has left his white blood cells at another hospital.
*Patient was becoming more demented with urinary frequency.
*The patient’s past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
*She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December.
*The patient experienced sudden onset of severe shortness of breath with a picture of acute pulmonary edema at home while having sex which gradually deteriorated in the emergency room.
*The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints.
The laws of golf
LAW 13: All 3-woods are demon-possessed.
Pharmacist Pun
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her
parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl tells him that after dinner,
she would like to have sex with him for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to
the pharmacy to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about half an
hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the
register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he’d like to buy a
3-pack, 10-pack or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl�s parent�s house and meets his
girlfriend at the door. “Oh, I’m so excited for you to meet my parents! Come on
in!”
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl’s
parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A
minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10
minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with
his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, “I had
no idea you were this religious.”
The boy turns, and whispers back, “I had no idea your father was a
pharmacist!”
The great rabbit escape!
A rabbit one day managed to break free from the laboratory where he had been born and brought up.As he scurried away from the fencing of the compound, he felt grass under his little feet and saw the dawn breaking for the first time in his life. ‘Wow, this is great,’ he thought.
It wasn’t long before he came to a hedge and, after squeezing under it he saw a wonderful sight lots of other bunny rabbits, all free and nibbling at the lush grass.
“Hey,” he called. “I’m a rabbit from the laboratory and I’ve just escaped. Are you wild rabbits?”
“Yes. Come and join us,” they cried.
Our friend hopped over to them and started eating the grass. I tasted so good. “What else do you wild rabbits do?” he asked.
“Well,” one of them said. “You see that field there? It’s got carrots growing in it. We dig them up and eat them.”
This, he couldn’t resist and he spent the next hour eating the most succulent carrots. They were wonderful.
Later, he asked them again, “What else do you do?”
“You see that field there? It’s got lettuce growing in it. We eat them as well.”
The lettuce tasted just as good and he returned a while later completely full. “Is there anything else you guys do?” he asked.
One of the other rabbits came a bit closer to him and spoke softly.
“There’s one other thing you must try. You see those rabbits there, “he said, pointing to the far corner of the field. “They’re girls. We shag them. Go and try it.”
Well, our friend spent the rest of the morning shagging his little heart out until, completely spent, he staggered back over to the guys.
“That was fantastic,” he panted.
“So are you going to live with us then?” one of them asked.
“I’m sorry, I had a great time but I can’t.”
The wild rabbits all stared at him, a bit surprised. “Why? We thought you liked it here.”
“I do,” our friend replied. “But I must get back to the laboratory. I’m dying for a cigarette!”