Author: admin

Cigar Anyone?

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A Charlotte, North Carolina man, having purchased a case of very rare, very expensive cigars, insured them against … get this …fire. Within a month, having smoked his entire stockpile of fabulous cigars, and having yet to make a single premium payment on the policy, the man filed a claim against the insurance company.

In his claim, the man stated that he had lost the cigars in “a series of small fires.” The insurance company refused to pay, citing the obvious reason that the man had consumed the cigars in a normal fashion. The man sued… and won.

In delivering his ruling, the judge stated that since the man held a policy from the company in which it had warranted that the cigars were insurable, and also guaranteed that it would insure the cigars against fire, without defining what it considered to be unacceptable fire,” it was obligated to compensate the insured for his loss.

Rather than endure a lengthy and costly appeal process, the insurance company accepted the judge’s ruling and paid the man $15,000 for the rare cigars he lost in “the fires.” After the man cashed his check, however, the insurance company had him arrested … on 24 counts of arson.

With his own insurance claim and testimony from the previous case being used as evidence against him, the man was convicted of intentionally burning the rare cigars and sentenced to 24 consecutive one year terms.

Three men on a airplane

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Three men are sitting next to eachother on an airplane. One japanese,one spanish,and one american. First they fly over Japan. The japanese guy says I love my country. So he flicks out a dime. Then they fly over Spain. The spanish guy says I love my country. So he flicks out a nickel. Last they fly over America. The american guy says I hate my country. So he flicks out a grenade.
When the japanese guy was driving home he saw a kid crying in the street. He asked the kid whats wrong? My mommy got hit in the head with a dime and died. When the spanish guy was driving home he saw a kid crying in the steet. He asked the kid whats wrong? My daddy got hit in the head with a nickel and died. When the american guy was driving home he saw a kid laughing in the street. He asked the kid whats so funny? When I farted my whole school blew up!

Hard of Hearing

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A patient goes to a Polish doctor:

Patient: I am having a hard time hearing. I cannot even hear myself cough.
Doctor: Here is a prescription, take the midicine for 7 days, then return for a checkup.

Seven Days Later:
Patient: Thanks a million, doctor. At least, I can hear myself cough now. So what did you do to make me hear better?
Doctor: Not much, I gave you medicine that increased your cough.

Hunting Trip.

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Three guys enter a disabled swimming contest.
The first has no arms.
The second no legs.
And the third has no body, just a head.
They all line up, the whistle blows and “splash” they’re all in the pool.

The guy with no arms takes the lead instantly but the guy with no legs is closing fast. The head of course sank straight to the bottom.

Ten lengths later and the guy with no legs finishes first. He can still see bubbles coming from the bottom of the pool, so he decides he had better dive down to rescue him.

He picks up the head, swims back up to the surface and places the head at the side of the pool, where-upon the head starts coughing and spluttering.

Eventually the head catches his breath and shouts: “Three years I’ve spent learning to swim with my freakin’ ears, then two minutes before the whistle, some idiot puts a swimming cap on me!”

The World’s Worst Joke!

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…’Well, it wasn’t that tragic. Soon after that, I started seeing another man who performed in the circus. He was really a great guy, but he lived pretty dangerously because he performed his high-wire act without a net.

Well, a few weeks after we got married, he was performing a show and suddenly a gust of wind came by and knocked him off his wire and he was killed.’

‘Your second husband was killed too?!!? That’s horrible!’

‘Yes, it was terrible, but at the funeral I fell in love with the minister and we got married soon after that. Unfortunately, one Sunday while he was walking to church, he was hit by a car and killed.’

‘Three??? Three husbands of yours were killed? How could you live through all that?’

‘It was pretty tough, but then I met my present husband. And he’s a wonderful man. I think we’ll live a long happy life together.’

‘And what does your present husband do for a living?’
‘He’s a mortician.’

‘A mortician? I don’t understand something here. First you marry a banker, then a circus performer, then a minister, and now a mortician? Why such a diverse grouping of husbands?’

‘Well, if you think about it it’s not too hard to understand…

One for the money… Two for the show… Three to get ready… And four to go!’

7 signs the santa at the mall is nuts

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* Every so often, snaps into a Slim Jim and growls, “You’ve been bad and now you’re goin’ down, punk!” * Keeps going on about how the New York Times should publish his 35,000 word list of who’s naughty and nice. * Despite massive photographic evidence to the contrary, claims to have never worn white gloves or shiny black boots. * Right before souvenir photo is snapped, he whispers, “This year, you ain’t gettin’ squat!” * When kids say, “My daddy says you’re not really Santa,” he responds with, “He’s not really your daddy.” * That snowy beard? Nothin’ but nose hair. * While it’s admittedly a nifty trick, blowing smoke rings out of his tracheotomy hole is just scaring the kiddies.

In explaination of men…

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1. WHY ARE MEN SUCH JERKS?
It’s a testosterone thing. Much similar to your PMT thing, we men suffer from testosterone poisoning. Why do you think the average life span of a male is typically 10 years shorter (and it’s not just from all the bitching and nagging we have to endure)? Hormone modifies behaviour. We’re just misunderstood.

2. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS HAVE TO OGLE AT OTHER WOMEN?
Again, this is a testosterone thing. Do you honestly think that all the testosterone just fell out of our bodies the moment we met you? Besides, women do it as well. Women are just much better at not getting caught. I’m fairly certain it’s some sort of photographic memory deal. Women take One quick look and memorize it for later reference. Since men lack this ability, we try to burn it into our memory by staring as much as we can.

3. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS TOUCH THEMSELVES, ESPECIALLY IN PUBLIC?
We occasionally need to adjust our little friend and make him happy. It’s much like adjusting your bra. Being in public is just an added bonus.

4. WHY DO MEN ALWAYS SAY SUCH STUPID THINGS?
We like to. It’s actually a whole lot of fun to see our partner Frustrated by a few simple (and well chosen) words.

5. WHY ARE MEN SO UNCOMMUNICATIVE?
You’d learn to keep your big mouth shut too if every time you open it you get into trouble with your partner.

6. WHY DO MEN HAVE TO ACT LIKE SUCH RETARDS?
Well, we don’t actually have to; we do it because we enjoy it. It’s the Old fashioned pride in a job well done that’s missing in so much of the world nowadays.

7. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SHARE THEIR FEELINGS?
Do we look like women to you? Why is it so hard to understand that men And women are different? How are we supposed to share how we feel when we have no idea how we feel? Unless we’re experiencing some extreme emotion like rage, hatred, disgust, or a brick on our foot, we have no idea how we feel. Personally, I get a headache whenever I try to figure out how I feel.

8. WHY CAN’T MEN CUDDLE MORE (I.E. LIE DOWN AND HUG)?
Please… How many hours do you think there is in a day? We oblige you as much as we can, but who the hell (besides women) can stand lying around for hours on end? We men… Men hunters… Need go roam… Starve in cave…Must go find wildebeest… Now sitting on our arses for hours on end on the other hand is a whole other story.

9. HOW CAN MEN SIT ON THEIR ARSES ALL DAY WITHOUT MOVING?
Men have very powerful sets of sitting muscles developed by evolution that enable us to sit for extended periods of time without getting tired. In prehistoric times, it was often necessary to sit in one spot for extended periods of time while hunting for prey. The more successful hunters were able to sit very still for very extended periods of time there by passing on this ability to their progeny. The fidgety types were all gobbled up by Saber toothed tigers etc. The end result is that almost all modern men are born with this innate ability.

10. WHY CAN’T MEN JUST SAY “I LOVE YOU?”
Men are taught from a tender young age to be self-sufficient. To say that we love you is equivalent to saying that we need you. Most men consider that a character fault. It’s not easy to admit to one’s own character faults.

11. WHY DO MEN SAY “I LOVE YOU” WHEN THEY HARDLY KNOW ME?
Ho, Ho, Ho… Aren’t you special? Well, some men think it’s a sure fire way to get into your pants. Surprisingly, it actually still works quite well.

12. WHY DOESN’T MY PARTNER EVER ANSWER ME?
We just simply don’t have the energy to answer every single one of your questions. If we think we do not have the answer, or that you will not like the answer, we simply remain quiet and save the energy for other things.

13. WHY WON’T MEN EVER PICK UP AFTER THEMSELVES?
Why should we? It doesn’t really bother us that much. Besides, we know damn well you’ll pick it up.

14. WHAT’S WITH ALL THE BELCHING AND FARTING?
This usually only occurs after months of courting. It’s our way to let youknow that we’re comfortable with you. Believe it or not, it’s actually asign of affection. Besides, holding it for extended periods of time gives us stomach cramps.

15. WHY DO MEN HATE SHOPPING?
It’s an evolutionary thing. Men hunt. Women gather. We just want to go out, kill it, and bring it back. Who wants to spend hours and hours to look at things we have no intention of killing? Err… buying? Squiffy’s House of Fun