what do you call a gay dinosar?
Author: admin
Close Encounter
One day in a little town in the desert, a UFO landed and a green
man came out and walked towards the town bar. As he entered the
bar he approached the sherif who happened to be reading the
paper. The alien stood behind him, looked over his shoulder and
started to tap him on the shoulder. After a couple of minutes of
doing that, the sherrif got mad and threw the paper on the
ground and said, “Here, you wanna read it, go ahead.” The alien
pulls his dick out and starts to run it over the lines. The
sherrif was very surrprised and asked, “If this is how you read
then how do you have sex?” In response, the alien approached him
and started tapping his shoulder.
Blonde Jokes
Jokes that are short enough for a man to understand.
New Pastor
A new pastor moved into a town, and he went out one day to visit his parishioners. All went well until he came upon this one house. It was obvious that someone was home, but no one came to the door even after he had knocked several times. Finally he took out his card, wrote on the back “Revelation 3:20” and stuck it on the back of the door. Revelation 3:20: “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with me.”Later in the week, as he was counting the offering, he found his card in the collection plate. Below his message was the notation “Genesis 3:10.”Genesis 3:10: “And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was afraid, because I was naked: so I hid myself.”
Blonde quickies 1
Q: What do you call a blonde with half a brain?
A: Gifted!
Q: How do blonde braincells die ?
A: Alone.
Q: How do you brainwash a blonde?
A: Give her a douche and shake her upside down.
Q: What do you call it when a blonde dies their hair brunette?
A: Artificial intelligence.
Q: How does a blonde part their hair?
A: (Action of scissoring legs apart)
Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because, that’s where you’re supposed to wash vegetables!
Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just dyed her hair.
Q: Why didn’t the blonde want a window seat on the plane?
A: She’d just blow dried her hair and she didn’t want it blown around too much.
Q: Why do blondes wear their hair up?
A: To catch as much as they can that is over their heads.
Q: Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A: You can park in the handicap zone.
Aussie Virgin
A madam decides to retire & get married. Her main requirement in a husband is that he be a virgin. She meets an Australian whom she is convinced is a virgin & marries him. On their honeymoon she says “I’m going to the bathroom & get ready. You get things ready out here.” When she comes out of the bathroom, he has pushed all the furniture out in the hall.”Why did you do that?” she asked. “Well love, I figured if women were anything like kangaroos we’d need all the room we can get”
Russian Leaders
Q: How many Russian leaders does it take to change a light bulb? A: Nobody knows. Russian leaders don’t last as long as light bulbs. A: None, the old bulb is just suffering from a cold.
Fun to do during an exam
You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Signs
Sign on a brake repair shop in Joliet, Illinois, “We stand in front of our work.”
Sign on a muffler shop in Santa Cruz, “We’re the Nobody that Midas brags about.”
Don’t Say this to a Cop When…
Top 10 Things Not to say to a Cop when you are PULLED OVER:
10. Back off Barney, I’ve got a piece.
9. Wanta race to the station, Sparky?
8. I know I was weaving, but I can’t find the Honeycomb Hideout!
7. On the way to the station let’s get a twelve pack.
6. You’ll never get those cuffs on me…You Wimp!
5. Come on write the freaking ticket, the bars close in 20 minutes!
4. Hey, wasn’t your daughter a pork queen?
3. How long is this going to take? Your wife is expecting me.
2. Hey officer is that your nightstick or are you just glad to see me?
And the Number One Thing You Shouldn’t Say to a Cop:
1. I’m surprised you stopped me, Robins Doughnuts has a 3 for 1 special!
Cybersex Discussion
Online computer users often engage in cyber sex. However, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript doesn’t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does…
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I’m 6’3″ and about 250 pounds. I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart. I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you. Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom. There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table. I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse. My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.
Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure. The cool silk slides off my warm skin. I’m rubbing you bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse. I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.
Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it. I’m wearing a lacy black bra. My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra. I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly. I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breast. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breast are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m so sorry; Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains of my blouse.
Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?
Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don’t you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?
Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my wiener all floppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of your candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:{logged off}
New college course for men!
A new two-year degree is being offered at the University that many of you should be interested in: Becoming A Real Man. That’s right, in just six trimesters, you, too, can be a real man-as well as earn an MA Degree (Male Arts). Please take a moment to look over the program outline.
FIRST YEAR Autumn Schedule: MEN 101–Combating Stupidity MEN 102–You, Too, Can Do Housework MEN 103–PMS-Learn When to Keep Your Mouth Shut MEN 104–We Do Not Want Sleazy Under things for Christmas
Winter Schedule: MEN 110–Wonderful Laundry Techniques MEN 111–Understanding the Female Response to Getting in at 4 am MEN 112–Parenting: It Doesn’t End with Conception EAT 100–Get a Life, Learn to Cook EAT 101–Get a Life, Learn to Cook II ECON 001A–What’s Hers is Hers
Spring Schedule: MEN 120–How NOT to Act Like a Butt face When You’re Wrong MEN 121–Understanding Your Incompetence MEN 122–YOU, the Weaker Sex MEN 123–Reasons to Give Flowers ECON 001C–What Was Yours is Hers
SECOND YEAR Autumn Schedule: SEX 101–You CAN Fall Asleep without It SEX 102–Morning Dilemma: If It’s Awake, Take a Shower SEX 103–How to Stay Awake After Sex MEN 201–How to Put the Toilet Seat Down Elective–See Electives Below)
Winter Schedule: MEN 210–The Remote Control: Overcoming Your Dependency MEN 211–How to Not Act Younger than Your Children MEN 212–You, Too, Can Be a Designated Driver MEN 213–Believe Me, You Don’t Look Like Tom Cruise MEN 230A–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 1
Spring Schedule: MEN 220–Omitting %&*! from Your Vocabulary (Pass/Fail Only) MEN 221–Her Birthdays and Anniversaries Are Important 2 MEN 222–Real Men Ask for Directions MEN 223–Thirty Minutes of Begging is NOT Considered Foreplay
Course Electives: EAT 101–Cooking with Tofu EAT 102–Utilization of Eating Utensils EAT 103–Burping and Belching Discreetly MEN 231–Mothers-in-law MEN 232–Appear to Be Listening MEN 233–Just Say “Yes, Dear” ECON 001C–Cheaper to Keep Her