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Schnauzer

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A lady with a prize-winning schnauzer figured that he was going deaf. He wouldn’t come when she called. When she took him out for a walk he wouldn’t heel like he had been taught to do. As a matter of fact, when the dog wasn’t looking and she called him, he acted like he didn’t hear her at all. So she took him to the vet.

The vet looked the dog over and gave him a complete physical.

He told the lady, “There’s nothing wrong with your dog at all. Look here. He has excessive hair growing in his ears, which led you to believe that he is deaf. He can’t hear you, but he isn’t deaf. You can treat this with a depilatory. I haven’t got any in stock, but you can get some ‘Neet’ or ‘Nair’ at your local pharmacy. This will work just as well as the doggy brand will.”

So the lady went to the nearest store and picked up a small bottle of Nair and looked over the instructions. There was nothing on the carton that related to her dog so she took it to the druggist and asked his advice.

“How do I apply this product,” she asked. “Do I put it on right out of the bottle or do I dilute it or what?”

The druggist said, “For you legs, put it on straight. Right out of the bottle. For your underarms, I recommend that you dilute it 50-50 with water.”

She said, “I don’t think that you understand. It’s for my schnauzer.”

“Oh,” said the druggist. “In that case, I suggest that you dilute it 3 to 1 with water. And by the way, I wouldn’t ride a bicycle for a few days.”

Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis

Threats Used in Dysfunctional Families

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“Finish your lima beans or you’re not getting any heroin for dessert!”

“If you don’t stop that this instant, I’ll have Grandma perform another striptease for you.”

“If this plexiglass wasn’t between us, I’d wash your mouth out with soap, young man.”

“Do you want me to put a tofu burrito in your pants? Well? Do You?!”

“Billy Bob, you finish them chores or Sis ain’t goin’ to the prom with ya!”

“Eat your brussel sprouts, or Mommy won’t love you anymore.”

“Lyle, Erik — either behave, or go to your suites!”

“If you don’t eat your peas, Chelsea, I’ll make you stay at the Gingrich’s house!”

“Don’t make me put you back in the womb!”

“As long as you live under this roof, you’re *going* to wear that dress, young man!”

“You just wait til your father gets paroled!”

“Stop crying, Lourdes, or Uncle Dennis will kick you in the groin.”

“Young lady, don’t make me send you to the Citadel!”

and the Number 1 Threat Used in Dysfunctional Families…

“All right, Little Mister, no more time in the sheep pen for you!”

Shy guy in a bar

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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “No, I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?”

Are you a prostitute or a consultant?

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You work very odd hours.

You are paid a lot of money to keep your client happy.

You are paid well but your pimp gets most of the money.

You spend a majority of your time in a hotel room.

You charge by the hour but your time can be extended for the right price.

You are not proud of what you do.

Creating fantasies for your clients is rewarded.

It’s difficult to have a family.

You have no job satisfaction.

If a client beats you up, the pimp just sends you to another client.

You are embarrassed to tell people what you do for a living.

People ask you, “What do you do?” and you can’t explain it.

Your family hardly recognizes you at reunions (at least the reunions you attend.)

Your friends have distanced themselves from you and you’re left hanging with only ther “professionals.”

Your client pays for your hotel room plus your hourly rate.

Your client always wants to know how much you charge and what they get for the money.

Your pimp drives nice cars like Mercedes or BMWs.

Your pimp encourages drinking and you become addicted to drugs to ease the pain.

You know the pimp is charging more than you are worth but if the client is foolish enough to pay it’s not your problem.

When you leave to go see a client, you look great, but return looking like hell (compare your appearance on Monday AM to Friday PM).

You are rated on your “performance” in an excruciating ordeal.

Even though you get paid the big bucks, it’s the client who walks away smiling.

The client always thinks your “cut” of your billing rate is higher than it actually is, and in turn, expects miracles from you.

When you deduct your “take” from your billing rate, you constantly wonder if you could get a better deal with another pimp.

Everyday you wake up and tell yourself, “I’m not going to be doing this stuff the rest of my life.”.

PC Women speak

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How to speak about women and be politically correct: She is not a babe or a chick; She is a breasted person. She is not a bleached blonde; she is peroxide dependent. She is not a bad cook;she is microwave compatible. She does not wear too much jewelry; she is metallically overburdened.She is not conceited; she is intimately aware of her best qualities.She does not want to be married; she wants to lock you in domestic incarceration.She does not gain weight; she is a metabolic under-achiever.She is not a screamer or a moaner; she is vocally appreciative.She is not easy; she is horizontally accessible.She does not tease or flirt;she engages in artificial stimulation.She is not dumb;she is a detour off the information super-highway.She is not too skinny; she is skeletally prominent.She does not have a moustache; she is in touch with her masculine side.She has not been around; she is a previously enjoyed companion.She does not wear too much perfume; she commits fragrance abuse.She does not get you excited; she causes temporary blood displacement.She is not kinky; she is a non-inhibited sexual companion.She does not have a killer body;she is terminally attractive.She does not go shopping; she is mall fluent.She is not an airhead; she is reality impaired.She does not get drunk or tipsy; she gets chemically inconvenienced.She does not get fat or chubby; she achieves maximum density. She is not cold or frigid; she is thermally inaccessible. She is not horny; she is sexually focused.She does not wear too much make-up;she has reached cosmetic saturation.She does not have breast implants; she is gravity resistant. She does not nag you; she becomes verbally repetitive.She is not a slut; she is sexually extroverted. She is not loose; she is morally impaired. She does not have major league hooters; she is pectorally superior.She does not have thin lips; she is collagen depleted.