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An English professor wrote the words, “woman without her man is a savage” on the blackboard and directed his students to punctuate it correctly.
The men wrote: “Woman, without her man, is a savage.”
The women wrote: “Woman: Without her, man is a savage.”
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
A tandem team rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a cold drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers, which they were.
When they finished their drinks, they found their steed had been stolen.
They go back into the bar, the captain handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling.
“WHICH ONE OF YOU SIDEWINDERS STOLE OUR STEED?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.
No one answered.
“ALL RIGHT WE’RE GONNA HAVE ANOTHA COLD DRINK, AND IF OUR STEED AIN’T BACK OUTSIDE BY THE TIME WE FINISH, WE’RE GONNA DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS! AND WE DON’T LIKE TO HAVE TO DO WHAT WE DUN IN TEXAS!”
Some of the locals shifted restlessly.
They had another cold drink, walked outside, and the tandem is back! They mount up and start to ride out of town.
The bartender wanders out of the bar and asks, “Say partner, before you go… what did happen in Texas?”
The captain turned back and said, “We had to walk home.”
A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.
“Wow!,” said her father, “That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?”
“Wrong number,” replied the girl.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
What’s the Difference between Bill Clinton and JFK?
One got his head blown off in the back of a car and the other one was assassinated.
Once upon a time, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog in a pond. The frog said to the princess, ‘I was once a handsome prince until an evil witch put a spell on me. One kiss from you and I will turn back into a prince and then we can marry, move into the castle with my mother and you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children and forever feel happy doing so.’That night, while the princess dined on frog legs, she laughed to herself and thought, ‘I don’t fucking think so.'(Rated R just because a guy rated the joke.)
The Palm Beach PokeyYou put your stylus in, You put your stylus out, You put your stylus in, And you punch Buchanan out.You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That’s what it’s all about!You put the Gore votes in, You put the Bush votes out, You put the Gore votes in, And you do another count.You do the Palm Beach Pokey and you turn the count around, That’s what it’s all about!You bring your lawyers in, You drag the whole thing out, You bring your lawyers in, And you put it all in doubt.You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the vote around, That’s what it’s all about!You let your doctors spin, You let the pundits spout, You let your doctors spin, And your people whine and pout.You do the Palm Beach Pokey And you turn the count around, That’s what it’s all about!You do the Palm Beach Pokey, You do the Palm Beach Pokey, You do the Palm Beach Pokey, That’s what it’s all about!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aardvark!
Aardvark who?
Aardvark a hundred miles for one of your smiles!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Aaron!
Aaron who!
Aaron on the side of caution!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Abbott!
Abbott who?
Abbott time you answered the door!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Abe!
Abe who?
Abe C D E F G H…!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Abyssinia!
Abyssinia who?
Abyssinia behind bars one of these days!
Why don’t blondes have elevator jobs?They don’t know the route.
Q: Why does the secret service guard Hillary so closely?A: Because if something happens to her, Bill becomes President!
A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The
officer wants to ask her a few questions…
Officer: What’s 2+2?
Blonde: Ummmmm… 4!
Officer: What’s the square root of 100?
Blonde: Ummmm… 10!
Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?
Blonde: Ummmm… I dunno.
Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back
tomorrow.
The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks
her if she got the job. The blonde says, excitedly, “Not only
did I get the job, I’m already working on a murder case!”
A man is standing at a urinal when he notices that a midget is watching him. Although the little fellow is staring at him intently, the guy doesn’t really become uncomfortable until the midget drags a small stepladder up next to him, climbs up, and proceeds to admire his privates at close range.’Wow,’ comments the midget, ‘those are the nicest balls I have ever seen!’ Surprised, yet flattered, the man thanks the midget and starts to move away.’Listen, I know this is a rather strange request,’ says the little fellow, ‘but I wonder if you would mind if I touch them.’ Again the man is rather startled, but seeing no real harm in it, he complies with the request.The midget reaches out, gets a tight grip on the man’s balls, and says loudly, ‘Okay, hand me your wallet or I’ll jump off the ladder.’
Un hombre reci�n divorciado, decide aventurar suerte en Las Vegas. Despu�s de haber ganado una fortuna en el casino, sale a divertirse un poco, ve a una rubia preciosa, y decide invitarla a un trago a lo cual ella accede.
Luego de algunos tragos el hombre la invita a la habitaci�n del hotel. A la media hora de conversaci�n, el hombre le pregunta cu�nto le cobra por hacerle la paja.
“Por una paja yo cobro 5,000 d�lares.”
“Pero eso es muy caro , �no crees?”
“�Vez esta sortija de diamantes?, me la compr� por las pajas que hago, ver�s que son las mejores.”
El le da el dinero y comienzan. De pronto �l le dice, “Detente, espera, espera, esto me gusta; pero, �cuanto me cobrar�as por una mamada?”
“Por mamada yo cobro 10,000 d�lares.”
“Eso es caro �no crees?”
“Ven, ac�rcate a la ventana y mira, �ves un Mercedes Benz nuevo, rojo, convertible? Pues me lo gano por mis mamadas.”
“No importa lo que cueste, �ndale comienza.”
Luego de un rato �l le dice…
“Detente, detente, que casi me vengo. Dime cuanto me cobras por el chochito…”
“�Si yo tuviera chochito, ser�a la duena de Las Vegas!”