What do you call a masterbating bull? Beef strokin’off.
Author: admin
Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn’t a Democrat.
Q: When did Clinton realize Paula Jones wasn’t a Democrat?
A: When she didn’t swallow everything he presented.
Bathroom?
Out on the town one night, a young lad successfully chats up an attractive female, and they go back to her place. “You can’t make any noise,” she warns him. “My parents are upstairs and if they find out they’ll kill us!”
Things start getting heated on the sofa, but after a while alcohol gets the better of the man’s bladder. “I have to go,” he says.
“Well you can’t go upstairs, it’s right next to my parents’ bedroom,” she replies. “Use the kitchen sink”. So he dutifully retires to the kitchen.
A few minutes later, he pops his head round the door and asks… “Do you have any toilet paper?”
MENSA IQ Test
Answers appear after the questions… NO CHEATING!!!
1. The maker doesn’t want it; the buyer doesn’t use it; and the
user doesn’t see it. What is it?
2. A child is born in Boston, Massachusetts to parents who were
both born in Boston, Massachusetts. The child is not a United
States citizen. How is this possible?
3. Before Mount Everest was discovered, what was the highest
mountain on Earth?
4. Clara Clatter was born on December 27th, yet her birthday is
always in the summer. How is this possible?
5. Captain Frank and some of the boys were exchanging old war
stories. Art Bragg offered one about how his grandfather led a
battalion against a German division during World War I. Through
brilliant maneuvers, he defeated them and captured valuable
territory. After the battle he was presented with a sword
bearing the inscription “To Captain Bragg for Bravery, Daring
and Leadership. World War I. From the Men of Battalion 8.”
Captain Frank looked at Art and said, “You really don’t expect
anyone to believe that yarn, do you?” What’s wrong with the
story?
6. What is one thing that all wise men, regardless of their
religion or politics, agree is between heaven and earth?
7. In what year did Christmas and New Year’s fall in the same
year?
8. A woman from New York married ten different men from that
city, yet she did not break any laws. None of these men died,
and she never divorced. How was this possible?
9. Why are 1990 American dollar bills worth more than 1989
American dollar bills?
10. How many times can you subtract the number 5 from 25?
11. How could you rearrange the letters in the words “new door”
to make one word? Note: There is only one correct answer.
12. Even if they are starving, natives living in the Arctic will
never eat a penguin’s egg. Why not?
13. Which is correct to say, “The yolk of the egg are white” or
“The yolk of the egg is white”?
14. In Okmulgee, Oklahoma, you cannot take a picture of a man
with a wooden leg. Why not?
15. There were an electrician and a plumber waiting in line for
admission to the International Home Show,” One of them was the
father of the other’s son. How could this be possible?
16. After the new Canon Law that took effect on November 27,
1983, would a Roman Catholic man be allowed to marry his widow’s
sister?
17. How many outs are there in an inning?
18. How many animals of each sex did Moses take on the Ark?
19. A clerk in the butcher shop is 5′ 10″ tall. What does he
weigh?
20. A farmer has 17 sheep and all but 9 die. How many are left?
ANSWERS
1. A coffin.
2. The child was born before 1776.
3. Mount Everest (it just hadn’t been discovered).
4. Clara lives in the southern hemisphere.
5. World War I wasn’t called “World War I” until World War II.
6. The word “and”.
7. They fall in the same year every year. New Year’s Day
justarrives very early in the year and Christmas arrives very
late in the same year.
8. The lady was a Justice of the Peace.
9. One thousand nine hundred and ninety dollar bills are worth
one dollar more than one thousand nine hundred and eighty-nine
dollar bills.
10. Only once, and then you are subtracting it from 20.
11. “one word”
12. Penguins live in the Antarctic.
13. Neither. The yolk of the egg is yellow.
14. You have to take a picture of a man with a camera, not with
a wooden leg.
15. They were husband and wife.
16. No. A dead man can marry no one.
17. Six . Three in each half of the inning.
18. Moses took no animals. It was Noah on the Ark.
19. Meat.
20. Nine.
Aunt Tess
Little Johnny said to his aunt Tess: ‘My God, you’re ugly, aren’t you!’
His mother overheard this and pulled Johnny into the kitchen. ‘You naughty boy!’, she screamed, ‘how can you say to your aunt that she’s ugly! You go right in and apologise to her! Tell her you’re sorry!’
Little Johnny entered the living room, walked over to his aunt and said: ‘Aunt Tess, I am sorry you’re so ugly’
Damn fat ass elephants!!
Corey:How do u stick an elephant into a paper bag?
Christian:Umm i donno how?
Corey:You take the “f” out of “safe” and the “f” out of “way.”
Christian:But wait there’s no f in way!
15 Ways to Be Annoying
1. Spend all day at a fast food restaurant, seeing how long it
will take until your free refills cost money.
2. If paged, wait until midnight to answer the call.
3. Construct an elaborate display of ropes in your backyard and
tell your neighbors that you’re a “spider person.”
4. When attending a movie you’ve already seen, yell out: “Don’t
let him in! He’s the killer!”
5. When buying a goldfish at a pet store, ask the salesperson
how often you should walk it.
6. When in a crowded elevator, say loudly: “I hope I fixed it
this time.”
7. Beep when a large person backs up.
8. Look around suspiciously in public and tell onlookers about
the “little men.”
9. Insist on making inanimate objects “dance”
10. Occasionally talk into your hand in public.
11. Carry a duffel bag onto an elevator, wait until it’s full,
then ask if anyone knows how to disarm a bomb in less than 19
seconds.
12. When stopped at a traffic light during rush hour, claw
desperately at the roof of the car.
13. Insist that someone accompany you to the public rest room
because of Henry, the toilet monster.
14. While carpooling, make swervy turns while imitating crash
noises.
15. Insist that life is “one big musical,” then try to prove
your theory by randomly breaking out into song in public.
Knock Knock 42
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cy!
Cy who?
Cy’n on the botton line!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Cyril!
Cyril who?
Cyril nice to meet you!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Daisy!
Daisy who?
Daisy plays, nights he sleeps!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dali!
Dali who?
Dali’ve me alone!
Knock Knock
Who’s there?
Dana!
Dana who?
Dana talk with your mouth full!
New inventions by blondes.
The water-proof towel
Glow in the dark sunglasses
Solar powered flashlights
Submarine screen doors
A book on how to read
Inflatable dart boards
A dictionary index
Powdered water
Pedal powered wheel chairs
Water proof tea bags
Watermelon seed sorter
Zero proof alchohol
Reusable ice cubes
See through tiolet tissue
Skinless bananas
Do it yourself roadmap
Helicopter ejector seat
Decisions
There are three guys in a small boat and it’s sinking fast.
In the boat is a Frenchman, an American, and a Puerto Rican.
They decide that they have to throw some things overboard in order to save themselves.
“Well, I have too much of this wine and cheese,” says the Frenchman, and he throws some overboard.
“Yeah, and I have too many bananas,” says the Puerto Rican and he throws some overboard.
“Well, let me think,” says the American, and he throws the Puerto Rican overboard.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Tantilazing
You might be a redneck if…prom
Your junior-senior prom had a day-care center.
Dear with no eyes
Q. What do you call a dear without any eyes?
A. No eye dear!