Q: What do you get if you cross LSD with birth control?
A: A trip without the kids.
Author: admin
Yogurt…
- Yogurt (noun)
- Semi-solid dairy product made from partially evaporated
and fermented milk. Yogurt is one of only three foods
that taste exactly the same as they sound. The other
two are goulash and squid.
Buckle Up
An airliner was having engine trouble, and the pilot instructed the cabin crew to have the passengers take their seats and get prepared for an emergency landing.A few minutes later, the pilot asked the flight attendants if everyone was buckled in and ready.”All set back here, Captain,” came the reply, “except one lawyer who is still going around passing out business cards.”
How to kill a blonde
How do you kill a blonde?
Put a scratch-and-sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.
Digging holes
A passerby watched two Irishmen in a park. One was digging holes and the other was immediately filling them in again.
“Tell me,” said the passerby, “What on earth are you doing?”
“Well,” said the digger,” Usually there are three of us. I dig, Paddy plants the tree and Mick fills in the hole. Today Paddy is off ill, but that doesn’t mean Mick and I have to take the day off, does it?”
Submitted by Calamjo
Editted by Curtis and Tantilazing
Cop Report
A blonde and a brunette are out driving, and the brunette tells the blonde to look out for cops – especially cops with their lights on.
After they’ve been driving for a while, the brunette asks the blonde if she’s seen any cops.
“Yes, says the blonde”.
“Are their lights on?”
The blonde has to think for a moment, pauses, then says, “Yes. No. Yes. No. Yes. No.”
Your momma
yo momma so fat she rolled over and burnt her ass on a light bulb
Gross!
What’s grosser than gross?
Finding pubic hair in your bloody mary.
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by BreeBrown
It’s always the wrong time
It’s always the wrong time of the month.
Diving Deep
One day a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 ft below sea level. He noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.
The diver went below another 20 ft, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 ft, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalk-and-board set, and wrote, “How the hell are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?”
The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote –
“I’M DROWNING, YOU MORON!!!”
Sawmill Accidents
Two guys were working at a sawmill one day when one of the guys got too close to the blade and cut off his arm. His buddy put the severed arm in a plastic bag and rushed it down to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day he goes to see his chum, and finds him playing tennis.”Incredible!,” says his friend.”Medical science is amazing.”Another month goes by and the same two guys are again at the sawmill working when the same guy gets too close to the spinning blade and this time his leg gets cut off. Again his buddy takes the leg, puts it in a plastic bag and takes it to the hospital to get re-attached. The next day, he goes down to see his chum and finds him outside playing football.”Incredible!,” says his friend.”Medical science is amazing!”Well another month goes by and again the same two friends are at the mill cutting wood when suddenly the same guy bends down too close to the blade and off comes his head. Well his friend takes the head, puts it in a plastic bag, and heads to the hospital to get it re-attached. The next day he goes to see his friend but can’t find him. He sees the doctor walking down the hall and says, “Doc, where is my friend? I brought him in yesterday.”The doctor thinks for a minute and says, “Oh yeah, some idiot put his head in a plastic bag and he suffocated.”
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