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Top 13 NATO Excuses For Bombing The Wrong Place

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13) Just tryin’ to impress the chicks.

12) NATO strategists were loathe to open maps of the area because refolding
them can be difficult and annoying.

11) “Kosovo?! We though you said KOKOMO!”

10) Bombardier still pissed off about his Yugo.

9) Chinese embassy “just too shiny to ignore.”

8) Pilot’s ugly little secret: never COULD hit those womprats back home in
Beggar’s Canyon.

7) Totally hammered after losing a game of “quarters” to Boris Yeltsin.

6) Canadian navigator busy extolling virtues of Celine Dion.

5) Pilot playing Kosovo bingo needed B5, not G2.

4) Forgot to adjust for weight of Slim Pickens.

3) Male pilots refused to stop and ask for directions.

2) General Magoo has no comment.

1) NATO headquarters dinner order for “take out Chinese” was grossly
misunderstood.

The following are only learned from college

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71. You meet the type of people you only thought existed in the movies.72. You learn to sleep with light, noise, extreme temps, and roommates snoring.73. You don’t have to cover your textbooks anymore.74. You become a juggler with the balance between school, friends, girls, activities, work, parties…75. You live for chicken finger day at the cafeteria.76. People that were geeks in high school seem okay now.77. You begin to realize that college is about the ideal lifestyle, except for those pesky classes.78. You get good at rationalizing on whether to do homework or not (usually not).79. Procrastination becomes an art.80. Jeans may be worn as many times as the wearer desires (for example, see # 12).

Dos amigos se encuentran luego

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Dos amigos se encuentran luego de mucho tiempo sin verse. Despu�s de los saludos normales, uno le pregunta al otro:

“Y qu� �te casaste?”

“Ah, s�, con aquella rubia de pelo largo, alta, delgada y bonita, que est� all�”.

“�Guau, qu� suerte! �Y sabe cocinar?”

“Uy, s�, de maravilla”.

“�Qu� afortunado!”

“Pues s�, �y t�?”

“Pues yo me cas� con una gorda, gord�sima, que ni cabe en el auto, compadre. Tiene los sobacos peludos y le apestan. Es m�s guarra… Hasta eructa cuando hacemos el amor”.

“Pero qu�, �sabe cocinar al menos?”

“�No, que va, tampoco…!”

“�Entonces, compadre, por qu� sigue con esa mujer?”

“�Es que cuando va al ba�o caga unas lombrices rebuenas para pescar!”

You might be a redneck if….

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The Halloween pumpkin on your front porch has more teeth than
your spouse

You let your twelve-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table
in front of her kids

Last year you hid Easter eggs under cow pies.

You’ve been married three times and still have the same in-laws.

You think a woman who is “out of your league” bowls on a
different night.

Jack Daniel’s makes your list of “Most Admired People.”

You think Genitalia is an Italian airline.

You wonder how service stations keep their rest rooms so clean.

Anyone in your family ever died right after saying, “Hey, y’all
watch this!”

You’ve got more than one brother named ‘Darryl.’

You think that Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.

Your wife’s hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.

You go to your family reunion looking for a date.

Your Junior/Senior Prom had a Daycare.

You think the last words to The Star Spangled Banner are,
“Gentlemen, start your engines.”

You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right
off its wheels

You take a six-pack cooler to church.

You had to remove a toothpick for your wedding pictures.

The bluebook value of your truck goes up and down, depending on
how much gas it has in it.

You have to go outside to get something out of the ‘fridge.

One of your kids was born on a pool table.

Your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same
grade.

You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at
the House of Tattoos.

You have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front
yard.

Ya can’t get married to yer sweetheart ’cause there’s a law
against it.

You dated one of your parents’ current spouses in high school.

You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.

Your school fight song is “Dueling Banjos.”

Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.

Fire dog!

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A nursery school teacher was delivering a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed by.

Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmation dog.

The children started discussing what the dog’s duties might be.

“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.

“No,” said another. “He’s just for good luck.”

A third child concluded, “No, silly, they use the dogs to find the fire hydrant!”

Submitted by calamjo
Edited by Curtis and yisman

Johnny’s Mom

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The teacher in Johnny’s school asked the class what their parents did for a living. One little girl said her father was a doctor, another said her mother was an engineer. When it was Little Johnny’s turn, he stood up and said “My mom’s a whore.”

Naturally, after that remark, he got sent off to the principal’s office. Then, 15 minutes later, he returned. So the teacher asked “Did you tell the principal what you said in class?”

Johnny said “Yes”

“Well, what did the principal say?”

He said that every job is important in our economy, gave me an apple and asked for my phone number.”

Fishy Story

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Forget about Dog Bites Man. Relegate Man Bites Dog to the back pages. Today we are dealing with Fish swallows dog, an item which reaches us by way of Moscow.

The dog was swimming across the Pechora River to join its master when it vanished, leaving only a ripple. The dog’s master, who was fishing at the time, hauled in his net and found it contained a giant pike. He looked closely at its mouth and said to himself (probably) “Thereby hangs a tail.”

Yes, it was Fido (or the Russian equivalent). The dog struggled out after the fish was cut open, and, according to Radio Moscow, hurled itself at the pike, “barking excitedly.”

It is often difficult for fishermen to tell stories about the one that got away. In this case, Radio Moscow notwithstanding, will it be any easier to tell about the one that didn’t?

Medical Experiments

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The National Institutes of Health have announced that they will no longer be using rats for medical experimentation. In their place, they will use attorneys. They have given three reasons for this decision:

There are now more attorneys than there are rats.

The medical researchers don’t become as emotionally attached to the attorneys as they did to the rats.

No matter how hard you try, there are some things that rats won’t do.

Some time-honored truths

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1. Don’t sweat the petty things, and don’t pet the sweaty things.

2. One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

3. One nice thing about egotists: They don’t talk about other
people.

4. To be intoxicated is to feel sophisticated but not be able to
say it.

5. Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large
groups.

6. The older you get, the better you realize you were.

7. I doubt, therefore I might be.

8. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.

9. Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.

10. Women like silent men, they think they’re listening.

11. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. A fool and his money are soon partying.

14. Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

15. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back
to?

16. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

17. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

18. If God dropped acid, would he see people?

19. If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to
drown too?

20. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

21. If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do
it?

22. If you’re born again, do you have two bellybuttons?

23. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

24. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?