Author: admin

Mammogram Exercises

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Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.

EXERCISE 1:

Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.

EXERCISE 2:

Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.

EXERCISE 3:

Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.

You are now properly prepared.

Payback IS a Bit….

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A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.” “ONE CENT – that’s awesome!” exclaimed the guy.

So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with the works?”

“Certainly, sir, “replies the bartender, but all that comes to real money.” “How much money?” inquires the guy. “4 cents,” replies the bartender.

“FOUR cents!” exclaims the guy… “Where’s the Guy who owns this place?”

The bartender replies, “Upstairs with my wife.” The guy says, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

The bartender replies… “Same as I’m doing to his business!”

Hold My bass and bucket

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This guy walks into a store,
Guy: Can I buy that ass.
Clerk: You mean the Bass.
Guy: Ya the ass.
Guy: Can I also get the fucket.
Clerk: You mean the bicket.
Guy: Ya the fucket.
Guy: Last can I get the cocket-spank it
Clerk: You mean the Cocker Spanial.
Guy: Ya that.
The guy buys the things until the Cocker Spanial ran off.
Guy: Oh No can you hold my ass and fucket while I go get my cocket-spank it.

Fool’s gold

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A woman goes to the doctor, and says, “Doctor, I’ve got a bit of a problem. I’ll have to take my clothes off to show you.”

The doctor tells her to go behind the screen and disrobe.

She does so, and the doctor goes round to see her when she is ready.

“Well, what is it?” he asks. “It’s a bit embarrassing,” she replies, “These two green circles have appeared on the inside of my thighs.”

The doctor examines her and finally admits he has no idea what the cause is.

Then he suddenly asks, “Have you been having an affair with a gypsy lately?”

The woman blushes and says, “Well, actually I have.”

“That’s the problem,” the doctor says, “Tell him his earrings aren’t made of gold!!!”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci

$1000 bet.

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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that
they offered a standing $1000 bet.

The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and
hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out
would win the money.

Many people had tried over time (weight-lifters, truck drivers, etc.) but
nobody could do it. One day this scrawny little man came into the bar, wearing
thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny squeaky voice “I�d like
to try the bet.”

After the laughter had died down, the bartender said OK, grabbed a lemon, and
squeezed away. Then he handed the wrinkled remains of the rind to the little
man.

But the crowd�s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist
around the lemon and six drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man
“What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight-lifter, or what?”

The man replied “I work for the IRS.”

Jessie and Bill

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Clinton was at a fund raiser. He had to take a leak so he went to the bathroom, stepped up to a toilet and whipped it out.

Just then Jessie Jackson walked in, went to the toilet next to Clinton and took his out.

Clinton looked down and said “Geez, Jessie, how the heck did you get such a big cock?”

Jessie said “Easy, every time I am about screw, I slap my dick on the bed post four times, as hard as I can”.

Clinton put this in the back of his little mind. When Clinton went home, he saw Hillary sound asleep. Bill felt the urge, so he whipped little willie out and slapped it real hard four times against the bed post.

At that time, Hillery said “Is that you Jessie?”

Male chauvinist

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How many male chauvinists does it take to change a light bulb? None. Let her do the dishes in the dark.What is love?The delusion that one woman differs from another.What is the difference between your wife and your job?After five years your job still sucks.Why did God create lesbians?So feminists couldn’t breed.Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?Because they don’t have balls.What’s the difference between your bonus and your dick?You don’t have to beg a woman to blow your bonus.Why is a woman like a laxative?They both irritate the shit out of you.What s worse than a male chauvinist pig? A woman who won’t do as she’s told.Why are wives like condoms? They both spend too much time in your wallet, and not enough time on the end of your dick.Why do men die before their wives?They want to.How many men does it take to fix a vacuum cleaner?Why the hell should we fix it? We don’t use the damn thing.What is a wife?An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.How are women like parking spaces?The good ones are taken and the rest are handicapped.Why do women have tits?So men will talk to them.Why do women close their eyes during sex?They can’t stand to see a man having a good time.What’s 6 inches long, 2 inches wide and drives women wild?A $100 bill.Why do women have periods?Because they deserve them.Why did the woman cross the road?Who cares – what was she doing out of the kitchen anyway?

A man goes to his

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A man goes to his Catholic priest, to confess his sins.

Man: “Father, I’ve sinned. I went to my Uncles house,
but he wasn’t there, and his wife wasn’t there, so I talked to
his daughter for five minutes, then I had sex with her.”

Priest: “Well, it’s a first offence, so I’ll go easy.
A donation of five dollars, and ten Hail Mary’s will earn you
forgiveness.”

Then next day, the man goes back to his priest.
Man: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I went back to my Uncles house, but he wasn’t there,
and his daughter wasn’t there, so I talked to his wife
for five minutes, then I had sex with her.

Priest: “That’s twice. You’d better not do it again.
A donation of twenty dollars, and forty Hail Mary’s and
I’ll forgive you. But I’d better not see you again for a while.”

The day after that, the man goes back to his priest.
Priest: “You again? I thought I said I didn’t want to see you for a
while”
Man: “But, father, I went to my Uncle’s house again today.
He wasn’t there, his wife wasn’t there, and his daughter wasn’t there.
So, I thought I’d come and talk to you for five minutes.”

$20 hooker

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After spending a night at a hotel with a prostitute, the politician took $300 out of his wallet and placed it on the dressing table.

“Thanks,” she said. “But I only charge $20.”

“Twenty bucks for the entire night?” the amazed MP replied. “You can’t make a living on that.”

“Oh, don’t worry,” the whore replied. “I do a little blackmail on the side!”