Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn’t. A man marries a woman expecting that she won’t change & she does. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument. There are 2 times when a man doesn’t understand a woman: before marriage & after.
Author: admin
A Day At The Races
A man is sitting at his kitchen table reading a newspaper.
His wife walks in with a frying pan and hits him with it.
The man asked “what was that for?”
The Woman replies “I was washing your pants last night and I found a piece of paper that says Mar Lou.
The man replies: When I was at the Horse races last week that was the name of my horse.
The woman understood and appologized.
(Three Days Later)
The woman walks in and hits him with an even bigger frying pan that knocks him out cold.
When he comes to he askes “what was that for?”
His wife replies: Your Horse Called.
The Top 12 Signs Your Classmates Are on Viagra (Part I)
12> Reading circle guffaws at every “See Dick go. Go Dick. Go. Go. Go.”
11> “Tent-making” is a frequent show-and-tell theme.
10> “Nigel?”
“No.”
“Simon?”
“No.”
“Terry?”
“No.”
“Come now, certainly *one* of you can demonstrate this equation on the chalkboard.”
9> It seems like every other yearbook quote is from Rafael Palmeiro.
8> “You back there with your hand up… oh, my God!”
7> That poor climbing rope in the gym is seeing more action than Madonna.
6> Instead of one measly vice principal, your school now has an entire vice squad.
5> Peepholes between boys’ and girls’ locker rooms are now waist-high.
4> Other kids’ shadow pictures during filmstrips: dogs and bunnies. His shadow pictures during filmstrips: rockets and bananas.
3> Uptick in wrestling team interest offset by huge increases in clean-up costs.
2> “I will leave more room between me and Billy in the lunch line.
I will leave more room between me and Billy in the lunch line.
I will leave more room between me and Billy in the lunch line.”
1> The swim team members no longer have problems staying in their own lanes.
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2003 by Chris White ]
Mother Russia
Back in the old days of the Soviet Union, a Russian couple were walking down the street in Moscow one night when the man felt a drop hit his nose.
‘I think it’s raining,’ he said to his wife.
‘No, that felt more like snow to me,’ she replied.
‘No, I’m sure it was just rain,’ he said.
Well, as these things go, they were about to have a major argument about whether it was raining or snowing.
Just then they saw a minor Communist Party official walking towards them.
‘Let’s not fight about it,’ the man said. ‘Let’s ask Comrade Rudolph whether it’s officially raining or snowing.’
As the official approached, the man said, ‘Tell us, Comrade Rudolph, is it officially raining or snowing?’
‘It’s raining, of course,’ he replied, and walked on.
But the woman insisted, �I know that felt like snow.’
The man quietly replied, ‘Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!’
Coldest Igloo
Four Eskimos were sitting around a block of ice one evening
telling ghost stories when one of them said, “I bet that my
igloo is the coldest igloo in the village!”
Another villager said, “That is impossible, mine must be the
coldest.” The remaining two villagers suggested that they have a
contest to see who’s igloo was the coldest. They set off
immediately to find the coldest igloo.
When they arrived at the firt Eskimo’s igloo he asked them to
observe. He gathered spit in his mouth and spit in the middle of
the igloo. As soon as the spit hit the floor it froze. The
others were very impressed.
Shortly after they arrived at the second Eskimo’s igloo. He
walked over to the stove and removed a kettle of hot tea. He
moved to the center of the igloo and poured it onto the ground.
The instant the hot tea hit the ground it froze. Amazed, the
others turned to leave.
They soon came upon the third Eskimo’s igloo. He walked up to
the stove and removed a kettle of hot cocoa. He brought it to
the middle of the room and poured it out. As soon as it came out
of the kettle it froze, then fell to the floor and shattered.
The others could not believe their eyes.
Finally they were at the fourth Eskimo’s igloo. He led them into
the bedroom where he slept. He walked them over to the bed and
pulled back the sheets. On the bed were 4 green balls. Confused,
the others asked what they were. The Eskimo smiled, pulled out a
match, and held it under the ball. A huge fart shook the igloo.
Years later that same Eskimo brags about the night that his
farts froze.
What Would U Takeoff
I can let you have this top-of-the-line stereo for nine hundred dollars, minus six percent for cash,” the salesman said.The customer, not able to figure the calculation, said he would think about the deal and return the next day.That evening, the fellow asked his female friend, “If you were offered nine hundred dollars minus six percent, how much would you take off?””Everything but my earrings,” she purred.
Wedding practical joke
Add some peanutsIf you can get access to their luggage after they have packed, add styrofoam peanuts in whatever nooks and crannies are left.
Battery power
A Woman goes into a hardware store and asks the clerk for two AA batteries. The clerk gestures with his fingers and says, “Come this way,” and heads towards the back of the store.
“If I could come that way,” she tells the retreating clerk, “I wouldn’t need the batteries.”
Do You Smell What the Chef Is Cooking?
Arriving home one evening, Joshua, a chef, finds a note from his
wife at the living room, which reads:
Hi Dear,
I’ve gone out with a friend; I got no time to cook for you. Cook
for yourself, in any case, you are a chef, aren’t you?
Hope to see you later for a sexy evening.
Lilly
Though the chef was very pissed off, he goes ahead and cooks for
himself. Later that night, his wife arrives home and heads
straight into the bedroom, where she finds a note on the bed
from the chef, which reads:
Hi Sweetheart,
I’ve also gone out, I got no time to fuck you tonight, but I
left an eighteen-inch vibrator under the pillow, big enough for
you. Please find time to fuck yourself, in any case you’re a
slut aren’t you?
I’ll be fucking a tighter pussy. Hope to see you later for
breakfast.
Josh.
Question and answer blonde joke
Q: Why do blondes wear shoulder pads?A: To keep from bruising their ears.
Good News / Bad News
The doctor looked benignly at the woman who had come to him for an examination.”Mrs. Brown,” he said, “I have some good news for you.” The woman said, “I’m glad of that doctor, but I’m not Mrs Brown, I am Miss Brown,” “Miss Brown,” said the doctor without changing expression, “I have bad news for you.”
Doctor, Doctor!
Doctor, doctor everyone thinks I’m a liar.”Come now. I don’t believe that.”Doctor, doctor People keep disagreeing with meNo they don’t.Doctor, doctor People keep ignoring meNext please.Doctor, doctor I think I’m a pair of curtainsPull yourself together.Doctor, doctor I think I’m a cricket ballHows that.Doctor doctor I think I’m a billiard ballGet to the end of the queue.Doctor doctor I cant feel my legsThat’s because we’ve cut your arms off.Doctor doctor I think I need glassesThis is the post office.Doctor doctor I think everyone hates meFuck off you irritating git.