your moms like a cheap shotgun,2 caps and then reload
Author: admin
The Top 16 Signs Your Life Truly Sucks
16> You just paid $3.99/minute for the phone sex girl to tell you she has a headache.
15> The provisions you ordered to modify your outfit for the next Star Trek convention are on back order, your mom’s boyfriend says you have to start paying rent for the basement, and your rating on amihotornot.com just went to a -18.
14> Despite your world-class beauty, you wake up every morning next to a
guy named Billy Bob.
13> Gas for minivan Mom lets you borrow to get to part-time job at XXX Videorama: $10
Odor-eaters: $2.95
Waking up on your 38th birthday to realize you’re NEVER getting laid: priceless!
12> The rent-to-own place turned down your lava-lamp rental request because of your credit rating.
11> You realize you *really* should have had that green rash examined — as your penis falls with a plop into the toilet.
10> You’re unanimously voted out of the Outback — the Outback Steak House.
9> The closest thing you’ve had to a date recently was rubbing Vicks VapoRub on Grandma’s chest.
8> Just as you’re pulling into your driveway, you realize you already rented “Young Einstein” on Beta last month.
7> After two hit TV series, the friggin’ paparazzi still refer to you as “Mr. Streisand.”
6> Even though you’ve inherited millions, you can’t get that lingering 90-year-old-geezer odor out of your hair and clothes.
5> The good news: the collision wasn’t your fault. The bad news: O.J.’s getting out of the other car.
4> Get out of bed, eat, commute, work, commute, eat, get in bed — you take comfort in the pleasant symmetry of your life.
3> The only way you’re getting screwed tonight is if AOL drops the connection while downloading your Top 5 List.
2> You’re not even a sailor, but you finally realize your lifelong dream to drive a submarine. Then….
1> Your Saturday night: “C’mon, boy. Yesssssss… that’s right. Good boy — look what we have. Yessssss. For youuuuu. Now let me see… where is that old can opener? Where could it beeeeee? Here it is! Okay, here you go! Yessssss… doesn’t that look yummmmmmy?”
[ The Top 5 List www.topfive.com ] [ Copyright 2001 by Chris White ]Johnny Gets Out
For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10 speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d love to give you one but the
mortgage on this house is $80,000 and your mother just lost her
job. There’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day, the father sees Little Johnny heading out the
front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you
going?”
Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night
and I heard you tell mom you were pulling out. I heard her tell
you to wait because she was coming too. And I’ll be damned if
I’m going to stick around here by myself with an $80,000
mortgage and no transportation.”
Stranded on a Desert Island
This guy is stranded on a desert island, all alone for ten
years. One day, he see’s a speck on the horizon. He thinks to
himself, “It’s not a ship,” the speck gets a little closer and
he thinks, “It’s not a boat.” The speck gets even closer and he
thinks. it’s not a raft.” Then, out of the surf comes this
gorgeous blonde woman, wearing a wet suit and scuba gear. She
approaches the guy and says, “How long has it been since you’ve
had a cigarette?”
“Ten years!” he says.
She reaches over and unzips a waterproof pocket on her left
sleeve and pulls out a fresh pack of cigarettes. He takes one,
lights it, takes a long drag, and says, “Man, oh man! Is that
good!”
Then she asked, “How long has it been since you’ve had a drink
of whiskey?”
He replies, “Ten Years!”
She reaches over and unzips her waterproof pocket on her right
sleeve, pulls out a flask and gives it to him. He takes a long
swig and says, “Wow, that’s fantastic!”
Then she starts unzipping this long zipper that runs down the
front of the wet suit and says to him, “And how long has it been
since you had some REAL fun?”
The man replies, “My God! Don’t tell me you’ve got set of golf
clubs in there!”
Two blondes and the lake
There were 2 blondes standing on opposite sides of a lake . One blonde yells across to the other “Hey how do you get to the other side!?”The other blonde yells back “You r on the other side!!!!”
Teamwork
This construction worker had climbed 20 stories to the job site. Once there he’d asked the foreman if he could go back down to take a leak. Not wanting to lose the time, the foreman balanced on I-beam across another, stood on one end, and told the worker to walk out to the other end to pee.While the worker was doing his business, the phone rang. The foreman, forgetting what he was doing, stepped off the I-beam and the worker plunged 20 stories to his death.The next week the safety inspectors came by to conduct a routine investigation into the accident. They talked to the ground crew.’I think it was sex-related, ‘ offered one of the crew.’Sex releated? How do you figure that?’ said the investigator.’Well, what made me look up was this guy coming down, dick in his hand, screaming, ‘where did that cocksucker go???”
Your momma so fat
your momma so fat it took her 2 hours just to wipe her butt once after taking a dump
College Entrance Exam
Time Limit: 3 weeks
YOU MUST ANSWER TWO OR MORE QUESTIONS CORRECTLY TO QUALIFY!
1.) What language is spoken in France?
2.) Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.
3.) Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (D) WRITE A PLAY
4.) What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (B) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic
5.) Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?
6.) What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?
7.) How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)
8.) What are people in America’s far north called? (a)Westerners (b)Southerners (C)NORTHERNERS
9.) Spell – CAT, DOG, PIG
10.) Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the sixth. Name the previous five.
11.) Where does rain come from? (a) Macy’s (b) 7-11 stores (c) cats and dogs (D) THE SKY
12.) Can you explain Einsteins’s theory of relativity? (a) Yes (b) No
13.) What are coat hangers used for?
14.) The Star Spangled Banner is the National Anthem for what country?
15.) Explain Le Chateliers Principle of Dynamic Equilibrium. OR Spell your name in BLOCK LETTERS
16.) Where is the basement in a three story building located?
17.Which part of America produces the most oranges? (a) Nigeria (b) Florida (c) Canada (d) Australia
18.) If you have 3 apples, how many apples do you have?
19.) What is the phone number for 911?
20.) How many Chinese Urns in a dozen?
21.) If Sacramento is the state capitol of California, what is the state capitol of California?
22.) Where does wood come from? (a) TREES (b) Asphalt (c) Steel
23.) If I have 10 dollars and I give you 10 dollars, how much money do I have left?
EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.
Couples on Vacation
One day three couples in a minivan are heading to Yellowstone National Park on a vacation. One couple is from Nebraska, one is from Kansas, and one is from Iowa. They stop at a little cafe on the side of the road for breakfast.
Their waitress serves them their food, and the husband from Nebraska says, “could you pass the honey honey?” to whom his wife, hands over the honey.
Then, the husband from Kansas says ” Could you pass the sugar sugar?” and she passes him the sugar.
The Iowan husband sits there for a minute, then looks at his wife and says “Wanna pass me the bacon, pig?”
El matrimonio estaba conversando:
El matrimonio estaba conversando:
“Mi amor, �crees en el amor a primera vista?”
“�Claro! Si te hubiera mirado dos veces no me habr�a casado.”
***
“Sabes querida, cuando hablas me recuerdas al mar.”
“�Qu� lindo mi amor! !No sab�a que te impresionara tanto!”
“No me impresionas… �me mareas!”
***
El marido le pregunta a su mujer:
“�Querida, cuando me muera vas a llorar mucho?”
“Claro, sabes que lloro por cualquier tonter�a…”
***
Un matrimonio visita al m�dico. Tras examinar a la mujer, el m�dico le dice al marido:
La verdad es que no me gusta el aspecto de su esposa.
Ni a mi, pero es que su padre es rico.
***
“�Auxilio, socorro, amor que llamen a los bomberooos… se quema nuestra casaaaaa!”
“�Shhhh!… silencio mi amor, no hagas ruido, no vayas a despertar a tu madre.”
Yo mama so fat!
yo mama so fat she’s the reason they declared world hunger.
Christmas Party
How To Tell If You’re Throwing A Successful Christmas Party
– Festivity Level One –
Your guests are sitting around chatting, nibbling the party food, sipping
their drinks. They are admiring your Christmas tree ornaments and stand
around the piano singing carols.
– Festivity Level Two –
Your guests are talking loudly, occasionally to one another. They are
wolfing down the food, gulping their drinks, rearranging your Christmas
ornaments and sitting on the piano singing “I Gotta Be Me.”
– Festivity Level Three –
Your guests are holding conversations with inanimate objects, gulping
other peoples’ drinks, wolfing down Christmas ornaments and dancing around
the piano shouting the words to “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction.”
– Festivity Level Four –
Your guests, food smeared across their naked bodies, are capering around
the burning Christmas tree in some unholy ritual. The piano is missing.
Unless you rent your home, or own heavy firearms, you generally don’t want
your parties operating above Level Three. The true test of party success,
however, is whether or not the police arrive. If they do arrive, your job
as host is to see that they don’t arrest anyone. If they are intent on
arresting someone, your job is to see that it isn’t you. Following is an
example of how to successfully handle this situation:
Police: “We’ve come in response to the complaints.”
You: “Complaints? It isn’t about the drugs, is it?”
Police: “No, sir, not drugs.”
You: “The guns, then? They’re complaining about the guns?”
Police: “No, sir. It’s about the noise.”
You: “Oh that’s all right then. ‘Cause there sure aren’t any guns or drugs
here, heh heh.”
You: “Or fireworks either! The neighbors complained, did they?”
Police: “No, sir. The neighbors all fled inland hours ago. The recent
complaints have come from Iowa.”
out of the living room, down the hall past you and the policemen, out into
the front yard and into the nearest tree. Eight naked bodies tumble out,
moaning.]
You: “There, you see? It’s winding down already.”