Author: admin

Put it down

Posted on by admin

Father O’Grady was saying his goodbyes to the parishioners after his Sunday morning service as he always did, when Mary Clancey came up to him in tears.

“What’s bothering you so, dear?” inquired Father O’Grady.

“Oh, Father, I’ve got terrible news,” replied Mary.

“Well, what is it, Mary?”

“Well, my husband passed away last night, Father.”

“Oh, Mary,” said the priest. “That’s terrible. Tell me, Mary, did he have any last requests?”

“Well, yes he did, Father,” replied Mary.

“What did he ask, Mary?”

Mary replied, “He said, ‘Please, Mary, put down the gun’…”

Submitted by Curtis
Edited by dolly04

Fall-Down Drunk

Posted on by admin

A man, whose level of drunkenness was bordering on the absurd, stood up to leave a bar and fell flat on his face. Maybe all I need is some fresh air,” thought the man as he crawled outside.

He tried to stand up again, but fell face first into the mud. “Screw it,” he thought.

“I’ll just crawl home.”

The next morning, his wife found him on the doorstep asleep. “You went out drinking last night, didn’t you?” she said “Uh, yes,” he said sheepishly.

“How did you know?”

“You left your wheelchair at the bar again.”

In and Out

Posted on by admin

There were once two skunks, In and Out. When Out was in, In was
out, and when Out was out, In was in. One day, mother skunk
noticed that In had been gone for quite a while and said to Out,
“Out, go find In.” So Out went to go find In and returned a
short time later. The mother skunk was surprised. “Out,” she
said, “How did you find In so fast?” Out grinned and replied,
“Instinct.”

My name is Happybutt

Posted on by admin

One day a new girl came to Mrs. Andrew’s class. At recess, a boy
came up to her and asked her name.
“My name is Happybutt,” she answered.
“You’re lying! I’m telling Mrs. Andrew!” he said. A moment
later he returned, with the teacher by his side.
“What’s your name?” the teacher asked sweetly.
“My name is Happybutt,” the girl replied.
“We’ll see what the principal thinks about that!” said Mrs.
Andrew, and grabbing the girl by the wrist, led her to the
principal’s office.
“What’s your name?” asked the principal.
“My name is Happybutt,” the girl said again.
“We’ll see what your mother thinks of that!” he said, and
dialed the number on the phone. “What’s your daughter’s real
name?” he asked her.
“Gladass,” the mother replied.
“She’s been saying her name’s Happybutt,” the principal
told the mother.
“She gets a little confused sometimes,” the mother
answered. “You know, Happy Butt, Glad Ass, same thing.”

Princess and the Frog

Posted on by admin

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess lap and said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sauteed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself and thought:
I don’t freakin’ think so!

Blonde Painter

Posted on by admin

The blonde was broke and desperate. She knocked on the door of a doctor’s
house and said she needed money and would be willing to work for it. The doctor
asked if she would be willing to paint his porch. He would give her $50 to do
it.
The blonde said that would be fine. The doctor’s wife said the blonde must be
really dumb to do such a big job for only $50. “Does she realize that the porch
goes all the way? Around the house?” the wife asked. “I guess so,” the doctor
told his wife. A few minutes later, the blonde knocked on the door. “All done,”
she said, “and by the way, it’s not a porch, it’s a Ferrari.”

Bad Doctor

Posted on by admin

A man went into a hospital for surgery on a bad leg. The doctor planned to remove his bad leg.

But when the doctor came in after the surgery, he said: I’ve got some good news and some bad news.”

The patient said, “Okay… What’s the bad news?”

The doctor said, “We chopped off the wrong leg!”

The patient said: “Oh no! What’s the good news??”

And the doctor said: “You’re bad leg’s gettin’ better!”

The Deacon and the Preacher

Posted on by admin

There once was this deacon and this preacher, and they had been real good
friends for a long time. Well one day the deacon got sick and was put in the
hospital, so the preacher decided to go and see his old friend. When he walked
into the hospital room, the preacher noticed all the hoses and stuff they had
going into the deacon. The preacher walked over and kneeled by the bed and
asked, ”How ya doing?” The deacon motioned at a pad and pen on the nightstand.
”You want that?” the preacher asked him, and the deacon nodded his head yes.
So the preacher handed his friend the pad and pen and the deacon began to write.
All of a sudden the deacon died. At his funeral, the preacher was asked to
deliver the service. ”He was a good man and I’ll never forget him,” the
preacher said, ”I was with him when he died and as a matter of fact I have his
last thought in my coat pocket here.” The preacher reaches into his pocket and
pulls out the paper. ”Please, get up! You’re kneeling on my oxygen hose!”