It was a bright and cold winter morning, Mom and sister were at the mall so Dad decided it was a good time for a father and son chat about “the birds and the bees” with his 10 year old boy.”I don’t want to know!” the child cried, bursting into tears and runing away to his room.The confused father followed, and as his son lay face down on his bed sobbing, dad asked what was wrong.”Oh, Dad,” the boy cried, “At age six, I got the ‘there’s no Santa’ speech.”At age seven, I got the ‘there’s no Easter Bunny’ speech.”Then, at age 8, you hit me with the ‘there’s no tooth fairy’ speech!”If you’re going to tell me now that grown-ups don’t really have sex, I’ve got NOTHING left to live for!”
Author: admin
For Atlanta Falcon Fans!
A new arrival in Hell was brought before the devil. The devil told his demon to put the man to work on a rock pile with a 20-pound sledge hammer in 95 degree heat with 95% humidity.
At the end of the day, the devil went to see how the man was doing, only to find him smiling and singing as he pounded rocks. The man explained that the heat and hard labor were very similar to those on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
The devil told his demon to turn up the heat to 120 degrees, with 100% humidity. At the end of the next day, the devil again checked on the new man,and found him still happy to be sweating and straining. The man explained that it felt like the old days, when he had to clean out his silo in the middle of August on his beloved farm back in Georgia.
At that, the devil told his demon to lower the temperature for this man to -20 degrees with a 40 mph wind. At the end of the next day, the devil was confident that he would find the man miserable. But, the man was instead singing louder than ever,twirling the sledge hammer like a baton. When the devil asked him why, he was so happy, the man answered,
“Cold day in hell, the Falcons must be in the SuperBowl!”
Three Wishes Each for a Bear and a Rabbit
One day in the great forest a magical frog was walking down to a
water hole. This forest was so big that the frog had never seen
another animal in all his life. By chance today a bear was
chasing after a rabbit to have for dinner.
The frog called for the two to stop. The frog said, “Because you
are the only two animals I have seen, I will grant you both
three wishes. Bear, you go first.” The bear thought for a
minute, and being the male he was, said, “I wish for all the
bears in this forest, besides me, to be female.”
For his wish, the rabbit asked for a crash helmet, and
immediately put it on. The bear was amazed at the stupidity of
the rabbit, wasting his wish like that.
It was the bear’s second turn for a wish. “Well, I wish that all
the bears in the next forest were female as well.”
The rabbit asked for a motorcycle and immediately hopped on it
and gunned the engine. The bear was shocked that the rabbit was
asking for these stupid things, after all, he could have asked
for money and bought the motorcycle.
For the last wish the bear thought for awhile and then said, “I
wish that all the bears in the world, besides me, were female.”
The rabbit grinned, gunned the engine, and said, “I wish that
the bear was gay.”
Yo mama’s So Fat… Married
Your mama so fat, she’s been married for 20 years and your dad hasn’t seen the
other side of her yet!
Lawyer One Liners #3
** What do you call a lawyer gone bad? Senator.** What do you call a lawyer with an IQ of 50? Your Honor.** What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer? Chelsea Clinton.
If you can’t learn to
If you can’t learn to do it well,
learn to enjoy doing it badly.
-Ashleigh Brilliant
A Beard?
A married man was visiting his “girlfriend” when she requested that he shave his beard. “Oh James, I like your beard, but I would really love to see your handsome face.”
James replied, “My wife loves this beard, I couldn’t possibly do it, she would kill me!!”
“Oh please?” the girlfriend asked again, in a sexy little voice…
“Oh really, I can’t,” he replies…”My wife loves this beard!!”
The girlfriend asked once more, and he sighs and finally gives in. That night James crawls into bed with his wife while she was sleeping.
The wife is awakened somewhat, feels his face and replies “Oh Michael, you shouldn’t be here, my husband will be home soon!”
Psychologist and the Light Bulb
How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one but the light bulb must want to change!
A quote on marriage
The gods gave man fire and he invented fire engines. They gave him love and he invented marriage.
POPPYCOCK!
Q: What does Chelsea Clinton call the sexual allegations against her father?
A: POPPYCOCK!
Christian contest
during a contest in a church, a priest asked one of the contenders a very hard question. -whom do u think killed jesus? she replies after thinking for a while: – i am not sure, but it is between Osama Bin Laden and Sadam Hussain…
Poetry or Prose
The third grade teacher was teaching English and repeated for her class,
“Mary had a little lamb, whose fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went, the lamb was sure to go.”
She explained that this was an example of poetry, but could be changed to prose by changing the last line from “the lamb was sure to go” to “the lamb went with her.”
A few days later she asked for an example of poetry or prose. Johnny raised his hand and recited, “Mary had a little pig, an ornery little runt, he stuck his nose in Mary’s clothes, and smelled her little–”
He stopped and asked the teacher if she wanted poetry or prose.
“Prose!” the teacher said weakly.
So Johnny said, “Asshole”.