Author: admin

Your Daily Moment of Zen

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1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead
of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just
leave me the heck alone.

2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt
and a leaky tire.

3. It’s always darkest before dawn. So if you’re going to steal
your neighbor’s newspaper,that’s the time to do it.

5. Don’t be irreplaceable; if you can’t be replaced, you can’t
be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you make a mistake.

7. Always remember you’re unique, just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve
as a warning to others.

10. It is far more impressive when others discover your good
qualities without your help.

11. If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a
couple of car payments.

12. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in
their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile
away and you have their shoes.

13. If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

14. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how
to fish,and he will sit in a boat & drink beer all day.

15. If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it
was probably worth it.

16. Don’t squat with your spurs on.

17. If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.

18. If you drink, don’t park; accidents cause people.

19. Some days you are the bug, some days you are the windshield.

20. Don’t worry, it only seems wierd the first time.

21. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that
comes from bad judgment.

22. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half
and put it back in your pocket.

23. Timing has an awful lot to do with the outcome of a
raindance.

24. A closed mouth gathers no feet.

25. Duct tape is like the force; it has a light side and a dark
side, and it holds the universe together.

26. There are two theories to arguing with men. Neither one
works.

27. Generally speaking, you aren’t learning much when your mouth
is moving.

28. Experience is something you don’t get until just after you
need it.

29. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

12 Y.O. Scotch

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A guy walks into a bar and rudely demands a shot of 12-yr old scotch. The bartender thinks “This guy doesn’t know the difference,” so he pours a shot of 2-year old scotch. The patron takes one sip and spits it out.He promptly hollers at the bartender: “I said 12-year old scotch, you bozo!” Still unimpressed the bartender pours some 6-year old scotch.The patron takes a sip…same reaction. But the bartender still doesn’t believe the patron knows the difference. So he pours a shot of 10-year old scotch. Again, same reaction from the patron.Finally, the bartender is convinced. He pours the patron a glass of 12-year-old scotch. The patron takes a sip and is most satisfied.All the while this has been going on, a drunk at the end of the bar has been watching. He slides a shot glass down the bar to the patron and drunkenly says: “Shay mister, taste this!” The patron obliges…he promptly spits it out.”It tastes like piss,” he shoots back at the drunk. The drunk replies: “It is. How old am I?”

The blind skydiver

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A blind man was describing his favorite sport, parachuting. When asked how
this was accomplished, he said that things were all done for him: “I am placed
in the door with my seeing eye dog and told when to jump. My hand is placed on
my release ring for me and out I go with the dog.”

“But how do you know when you are going to land?” he was asked. “I have a very
keen sense of smell, and I can smell the trees and grass when I am 300 feet from
the ground” he answered.

“But how do you know when to lift your legs for the final arrival on the
ground?” he was again asked. He quickly answered: “Oh, the dog’s leash goes
slack.”

If God had a PC

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In the beginning, there was the computer.

And God entered: C:>Let there be light!

Enter User ID

C:>God

Enter password

C:>Omniscient

Invalid password

Enter password

C:>Omnipotent

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

C:>Let there be light!

Unrecognizable command

C:>Create light

Done

C:>Run heaven and earth

And God created Day and Night. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Sunday, March 1.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

C:>Let there be firmament in the midst of water and light

Unrecognizable command. Try again.

C:>Create firmament

Done.

C:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Monday, March 2.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

C:>Let the waters under heaven be gathered together unto one place and let the dry land appear and

Too many characters in specification string. Try again.

C:>Create dry_land

Done.

C:>Run firmament

And God divided the waters. And God saw that there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Tuesday, March 3.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

C:>Create lights in the firmament to divide the day from the night

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:>Create sun_moon_stars

Done

C:>Run sun_moon_stars

And God separated the light from the darkness. The sun ruled over the day and the moon and stars ruled over the night. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Wednesday, March 4.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

C:>Create fish

Done

C:>Create fowl

Done

C:>Run fish, fowl

And God created the great sea monsters and every living creature that creepeth wherewith the waters swarmed after its kind and every winged fowl after its kind. And God saw there were 0 errors.

And God logged off at 12:02:00 AM, Thursday, March 5.

And God logged on at 12:01:00 AM, Friday, March 6.

C:>Create cattle

Done

C:>Create creepy_things

Done

C:>Now let us make man in our image

Unspecified type. Try again.

C:>Create man

Done

C:>Be fruitful and multiply and replenish the earth and su`due it and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the fowl of the air and over every living thing that creepeth upon the earth

Too many command operands. Try again.

C:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 6 errors..

C:>Insert breath

Done

C:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 5 errors.

C:>Move man to Garden of Eden

Filename: Garden of Eden does not exist. Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:>Create Garden_of_Eden

Too many parameters

C:>Create Garden.edn

Done

C:>Move man to Garden.edn

Done

C:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated. 4 errors.

C:>Copy woman from man

Done

C:>Run multiplication

Execution terminated.

2 errors.

C:>Create desire

Done

C:>Run multiplication

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:>Create freewill

Done

C:>Run freewill

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:>Undo desire

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created.

C:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:>Help

Desire cannot be undone once freewill is created. Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:>Create tree_of_knowledge

And God saw man and woman being fruitful and multiplying in Garden.edn

Warning: No time limit on this run. 1 errors.

C:>Create good, evil

Done

A:>Activate evil

And God saw he had created shame.

Warning system error in sector E95. Man and woman no longer located in Garden.edn. 1 errors.

C:>Scan Garden.edn for man, woman

Search failed. Abort, Retry, Ignore?

C:>Delete shame

Shame cannot be deleted once evil has been activated.

C:>Destroy freewill

Freewill is an inaccessible file and cannot be destroyed. Enter replacement, cancel, or ask for help.

C:>Stop

Unrecognizable command. Try again

C:>Ctrl_Break

C:>Ctrl_Break

C:>Ctrl_Break

ATTENTION ALL USERS *** ATTENTION ALL USERS: COMPUTER GOING DOWN FOR REGULAR DAY OF MAINTENANCE AND REST IN FIVE MINUTES. PLEASE LOG OFF.

C:>Create new world

You have exceeded allocated file space. You must destroy old files before new ones can be created.

C:>Destroy earth

Destroy earth: Please confirm.

C:>Destroy earth confirmed

COMPUTER DOWN *** COMPUTER DOWN. SERVICE WILL RESUME SUNDAY, MARCH 8 AT 6:00 AM. YOU MUST SIGN OFF NOW.

And God logged off at 11:59:59 PM, Friday, March 6.

On Saturday, March 7, God rested.

On March 8, God created Macintosh. And God saw that it was GOOD.

One Hole Behind

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A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around, he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing.She replied “I’m on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. and he approached her again with the same request.She said “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th.”Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said, “let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell”?She replied, “if I told you, you would only laugh.” “No I wouldn’t”, he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold.”Well if you must know”, she answered, “I sell Tampax.”With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said “see I knew you would laugh.””That’s not what I’m laughing at” he replied, “I’m a toilet paper salesman, so I’m still a hole behind you!”