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As the huge jumbo jet neared the airport, the captain’s voice came over the loud speaker, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are currently experiencing technical difficulty with the # 4 engine, which will delay our landing, by about a half an hour”.
A mechanically inept executive traveller turns to his heighbor and says, ” I hope they don’t have a problem with the other three engines, I’m far too busy to be up here all day…!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis
Bill:Hahaha u fishing?
Phil:No,just drowning worms.
The one who says it can’t be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
Dear employee:
as a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are
forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus
permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. therefore,
a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year,
via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.
This program will be known as slap (sever late-aged personnel). employees who
are slapped will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.
Slapped employees can request a review of their employment records before
actual retirement takes place. this review phase of the program is called screw.
Screw (survey of capabilities of retired early workers). all employees who
have been slapped and screwed may file an appeal with upper management.
This appeal is called shaft (study by higher authority following termination).
Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be slapped once, screwed
twice, but may be shafted as many times as the company deems appropriate.
If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get:
herpes (half earnings for retired personnel’s early severance) or clap (combined
lump sum assistance payment).
As herpes and clap are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received
herpes or clap will no longer be slapped or screwed by the company.
Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the
company will continue its policy of training employees through our:
Special high intensity training (s***). we take pride in the amount of s***
our employees receive. we have given our employees more s*** than any company in
this area. if any employee feels they do not receive enough s*** on the job, see
your immediate supervisor.
Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the s*** you
can stand.
And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.
Un hombre se acerca al consultorio de un doctor para ver que le recetaba para la calvicie y el m�dico le dice que ha desarrollado un nuevo metodo para combatir la calvicie. El hombre muy interesado le pregunta que cual es y el doctor le contesta que para que le salgan pelos en la cabeza tiene que restregarla en los genitales de una mujer.
El hombre, no muy convencido, acepta someterse al tratamiento, pero antes de irse nota que el medico tambi�n era clavo y muy enojado le dice al m�dico:
“Usted me quiere enga�ar, me est� recetando un remedio para la calvicie y usted es tambi�n calvo. �C�mo voy a confiar en su tratamiento?”
Y el m�dico le responde:
“Un momento, es cierto que soy calvo, �pero mire qu� barba de candado!”
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher
decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as
the plate was being passed he said…
“Brothers and Sisters, I don’t like to have to do this, but there is a
man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner’s wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.
Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two
dollar bill with a note that read “Forever hold your peace, I’ll have
that other three dollars before sundown.”
Did you know that the average intercourse or lay requires 30 strokes of 6 inches or 180 inches per lay. An average woman can take 3 lays per week, 540 inches or 45 feet of penis per week. Which means she accepts 2,340 feet of peter per year. Since a mile equals 5,280 feet, we learn that a women gets approximately one half a mile of peter a year. So if your not getting your 1/2 mile. Your getting screwed out of peter and don’t even know it!
I was playing golf with my doctor friend one day.
He ALWAYS hit his drives right down the middle of the fairway.
My problem was that I ALWAYS hooked my ball completely off the fairway.
I asked him for help, and he offered to give me a physical to see if he could determine the problem.
Sure enough, he said that I had three times the “normal length” of the average male, which caused an anomaly in my swing that caused me to hook.
I asked him to help me, and he agreed to do surgery — provided that I didn’t play golf for four weeks. I agreed. Golf is just that important to me.
Four weeks later, new body and all, I teed off on the first hole and drove the ball 270 yards right down the middle. Feeling elated, I thanked the doctor.
Then I asked him what had become of the “rest” of me.
He just smiled, teed his ball, then hit it…
and watched it duck hook two fairways away…
Rumours are going around dat posh an michael jackson is having an affair
michael jackson denies this because he was in brooklyn at the time
Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, but there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the test, and best of all, you can do these simple practice exercises right in your home.
EXERCISE 1:
Open your refrigerator door and insert one breast between the door and the main box. Have one of your strongest friends slam the door shut as hard as possible and lean on the door for good measure. Hold that position for five seconds. Repeat again in case the first time wasn’t effective enough.
EXERCISE 2:
Visit your garage at 3 AM when the temperature of the cement floor is just perfect. Take off all your clothes and lie comfortably on the floor with one breast wedged under the rear tire of the car. Ask a friend to slowly back the car up until your breast is sufficiently flattened and chilled. Turn over and repeat for the other breast.
EXERCISE 3:
Freeze two metal bookends overnight. Strip to the waist. Invite a stranger into the room. Press the bookends against one of your breasts. Smash the bookends together as hard as you can. Set an appointment with the stranger to meet next year and do it again.
You are now properly prepared.
A man goes to his Catholic priest, to confess his sins.
Man: “Father, I’ve sinned. I went to my Uncles house,
but he wasn’t there, and his wife wasn’t there, so I talked to
his daughter for five minutes, then I had sex with her.”
Priest: “Well, it’s a first offence, so I’ll go easy.
A donation of five dollars, and ten Hail Mary’s will earn you
forgiveness.”
Then next day, the man goes back to his priest.
Man: “Forgive me father, for I have sinned.
I went back to my Uncles house, but he wasn’t there,
and his daughter wasn’t there, so I talked to his wife
for five minutes, then I had sex with her.
Priest: “That’s twice. You’d better not do it again.
A donation of twenty dollars, and forty Hail Mary’s and
I’ll forgive you. But I’d better not see you again for a while.”
The day after that, the man goes back to his priest.
Priest: “You again? I thought I said I didn’t want to see you for a
while”
Man: “But, father, I went to my Uncle’s house again today.
He wasn’t there, his wife wasn’t there, and his daughter wasn’t there.
So, I thought I’d come and talk to you for five minutes.”
What are the first three words in every Mexican cookbook?
“Steal a chicken…”