“Do you believe in life after death?”, the boss asked one of his employees. “Yes, Sir”, the employee replied.”Well, then, that makes everything just fine.”The boss went on,”After you left early yesterday to go to your grandmothers funeral,she stopped in to see you”.
Author: admin
3 Birds Get Lucky
Three birds are flying over head when one spots a dove. He swoops down, picks up the dove and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes, the dove comes out and says, “I’m a dove and I’ve been loved!”
The birds continue on. A little later the second bird sees a lark. He swoops down, picks it up and goes into the bushes. A few minutes, the lark comes out and says, “I’m a lark and I’ve been sparked!”
The birds continue on. A little later the third sees a duck. He swoops down, picks it up and takes it into the bushes. After a few minutes the bird comes out, then goes back in. Then the duck comes out and says, “I’m a drake and there’s been a big mistake!”
Congratulations
Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, “Congratulations sir, You’re the father of twins.”
“What a coincidence,” the man said with some obvious pride. “I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team.”
The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, “You sir, are the father of triplets.”
“Wow, That’s really an incredible coincidence ” he answered. “I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down!”
An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back, this time she turn to the third man — who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets.
Stunned, he barely could reply. “Don’t tell me! Another coincidence?” asked the nurse. After finally regaining his composure, he said “I don’t believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!”
After hearing this, everybody’s attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor.
The nurse rushed to his side and after some time, he slowly regained consciousness. When he was finally able to speak, you could hear him repeatedly muttering the same phrase over and over again:
“I should have never taken the job at Millennium Computers… “I should have never taken the job at Millennium Computers… “I should have never taken the job at Millennium Computers…!!!”
Mexican Fisherman Li
The American investment banker was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellow fin tuna. The American complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them.The Mexican replied, only a little while.The American then asked why didn’t he stay out longer and catch more fish?The Mexican said he had enough to support his family’s immediate needs.The American then asked, “but what do you do with the rest of your time?”The Mexican fisherman said, “I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife, Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos, I have a full and busy life.”The American scoffed, “I am a Harvard MBA and could help you. You should spend more time fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat with the proceeds from the bigger boat you could buy several boats, eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your expanding enterprise.”The Mexican fisherman asked, “But, how long will this all take?”To which the American replied, “15-20 years.””But what then?”The American laughed and said that’s the best part.”When the time is right you would announce an IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions.””Millions.. Then what?”The American said, “Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos.”
Genie on Malibu Beach
A man was walking along the beach at Malibu when he found a
bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The
genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but
only one..”
The man thought for a minute and said, “I have always wanted to
go to Hawaii but have never been able to because I’m afraid of
flying and ships make me claustrophobic and ill. So, I wish for
a bridge to be built from here to Hawaii.”
The genie thought for a few minutes and said, “No, I don’t think
I can do that. Just think of all the work involved with the
pilings needed to hold up the highway and how deep they would
have to be to reach the bottom of the ocean. Think of all the
pavement that would be needed.
No, that is just too much to ask.”
The man thought for a minute and then told the genie, “There is
one other thing that I have always wanted. I would like to be
able to understand women. What makes them laugh and cry, why are
they temperamental, why are they so difficult to get along with?
Basically, what makes them tick?”
The genie considered for a few minutes and said, “So, do you
want two lanes or four?
Ten Top Ways to Annoy Your Waiter
Top ten ways to annoy your waiter
From the Late Show with David Letterman – Friday, January 13, 1995 with revisions made by John Insor.
10. Eight hour lunch, two dollar tip.
9. Ask, “Excuse me, are you a really bad singer, or a really bad actor?”
8. After he describes each special, you shout, “Garbage!”
7. Whenever he walks by, cough and mutter, “Minimum wage”.
6. Every few seconds, yell, “More waffles, Cuomo!”
5. Insist that before ordering, you be allowed to touch the London broil.
4. Tie tablecloth around neck and say, “You wouldn’t charge Superman for dinner, would you?”
3. Every time you eat or drink, cough really hard.
2. As he walks by to the kitchen, scream, “He’s gonna spit in the chowder!”
1. Three words: eat the check.
THE THREE BARRELS
there were three girls running from the police a red head, a burnett and a blonde the brown head girl said we have got to find a place to hide then the burnett pointed out three barrles. They jumped in the brown head was in a barrlel of cats the burnett in a barrel of dogs and the blond in a barrel of potatos. When the police came to the first barrall with the brown head in it she said meow and the police siad o this is just a bunch of cats then they went to the second barrel with the burnett and she said ruff the police said o this is just a bunch of dogs so then they went to the third barrel with the blonde in it when they got there the blonde said POTATTO
Nasty Eskimo
A man was walking down the street and saw an Eskimo looking at his car tire.
So the man said, �You blow a seal?�
And the Eskimo responded �No. That�s just frost on my mustache.�
You’re a redneck … the primary color of
You’re a redneck if…. The primary color of your car is “bondo”.
The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Q: What is the difference between the U.S. and the former USSR?
A: The U.S. still has a Communist Party in power.
Blow jobs gone bad
Ok this guy named Rhys david betts walks into a tatoo shop and asked the man if he could put a tatoo of a 100 doller bill on his penis. So the man said that it was no problem.Later the man asked Rhys why he wants a 100 bill on this penis. So Rhys then said “My wife hasnt bin giving me blow jobs lately,and she said she could blow a 100 doller bill in no time!!
Knock KnockWho’s there?Donalette!Donalette who?Donalette the
Knock KnockWho’s there?Donalette!Donalette who?Donalette the bed bugs bite!