Larry’s mother-in-law had died, and Larry was at the mortuary to make plans
for her disposition. The official asked, “Which should we do…cremate her,
embalm her, or merely bury her?”
Larry answered, “All three. Let’s not take any chances!”
Author: admin
The General’s Temperature
The general was confined to the military hospital for treatment of a minor malady.
For almost a week he made a complete nuisance of himself, irritating both staff and the other patients, demanding attention and expecting his every order to be followed immediately.
He was in a six-man ward rather than a private room, his meals were too cold or not served to suit his taste, the light needed to be adjusted to his demands, the nighttime activities interfered with his rest… and on, and on.
One afternoon an orderly entered the room. “Time to take your temperature, General.”
After growling at the orderly, the general opened his mouth to accept the thermometer.
“Sorry, General, but for this test we need your temperature from the other end.”
A whole new barrage of verbal abuse followed, but the orderly was insistent that a rectal temperature was what the test called for.
The general at last rolled over, bared his rear, and allowed the orderly to proceed. The orderly then told the general, “Stay exactly like that and don’t move. I’ll be back in five minutes to check up on you” and withdrew.
An hour later, the head nurse entered the room, saw the general with his bare rear in the air and gasped, “What’s going on here?”
“Haven’t you ever seen someone having their temperature taken?” the general barked.
“Yes I have, General, but with a daffodil?”
Funny Limo Driver
A Cardiologist came up with a new operating procedure that would cut down the time that heart surgery would take and would cause less trauma to the patient. He was praised by his peers when he presented it at a convention in Washington D.C. He was also paid $50,000 to present his findings.
The cardiologist did a few more of these presentations and realized that it would be more lucrative to do lectures on his findings rather than continue to work as a surgeon. So he decided to do the lectures full-time. He hired a driver and purchased a limousine.
One day, after he’d been doing the lecture circuit for about 6 months, his driver turns to him and says, “You know… This is completely unfair.”
“What do you mean?” asks the surgeon.
“Well, you get paid $50,000 every time you do this lecture and that’s more than I get paid in a year,” replies the driver.
The surgeon explains to him that it is a very complicated procedure and that he is the only person that can give this lecture.
“That’s not true. I can do your lecture blindfolded. I have seen you do your lecture so many times that I know it by heart,” says the driver.
“Well if that’s the case, I’ll tell you what. You do this lecture and you can keep the $50,000 if you do it right.” replies the surgeon.
The driver replies, “Ok. You’re on.”
So when they arrive at the lecture hall, the surgeon and the driver change coats and the surgeon puts on the driver’s hat and sits in the back of the room.
The driver nails the presentation. Not only that, he also answers all the questions without any problems. Just when the driver thinks he’s done, an audience member, wearing a lab coat and tape covered glasses stands up and asks a complex question that the driver is not able to answer.
“You know…” says the driver, “I have done this lecture 287 times and I have never been asked such a stupid question. As a matter of fact, that question is SO stupid that I am going to let my driver answer it.”
Exterminating Lawyer
A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. (As he’d had a bad time in divorce court recently, and blamed the lawyers.) Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud “THUMP” and then he would swerve back on the road.One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest hitch hiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over.He asked the priest, “Where are you going, Father?”.”I’m going to the church 5 miles down the road!”, replied the priest.”No problem, Father! I’ll give you a lift. Climb in the truck”.The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back to the road, narrowly missing the lawyer. However even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud “THUD”. Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn’t see anything, he turned to the priest and said, “I’m sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer”.”That’s okay”, replied the priest.”I got him with the door!
How to be Obnoxious in Jr. High…
1)In the middle of class, run to the middle of the room screaming, ”I’m on
fire!” Roll around vigorously.
2) Get up to sharpen your pencil as much as possible.
3) Ask your teacher how good their spouse was last night.
4) Talk in a strong English accent.
5) Walk into class halfway through, saying, ”Aren’t you glad I decided to
come today?”
6) In the middle of a lesson, jump up holding a Game Boy above your head and
scream, ”I win!”
7) Pick your nose, show it to your friends and say loudly, ”Mmm, never seen
that shape before.”
8) ”But I have to go reeeaaallly bad!”
9) During a multiple-choice test, read the answers out loud as you go along.
10) Repeat everything the teacher says in the form of a question (”Sheesh, so
America won the Revolutionary War?”).
11) At lunch, insist on being served caviar.
12) Hide in your locker and refuse to come out.
13) ”I was never told there was going to be a test.”
14) Bring your pet goldfish.
15) Throw chalks at the chalkboard and insist on counting how many pieces it
breaks into.
16) Laugh hysterically whenever anybody says anything.
17) Splash water on the armpit area of your shirt and walk around with your
hands behind your head.
18) During a private conversation with a teacher, suddenly shout, ”No I will
not have sex with you!”
19) Point and laugh at all the fat kids.
20) Strike up a conversation with your pen.
“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you
“Well, Mrs. O’Connor, so you want a divorce?” the solicitor questioned
his client. “Tell me about it. Do you have a grudge?”
“Oh, no,” replied Mrs. O’Connor. “Shure now, we have a carport.”
The solicitor tried again. “Well, does the man beat you up?”
“No, no,” said Mrs. O’Connor, looking puzzled. “I’m always first out of
bed.”
Still hopeful, the solicitor tried once again. “Well, does he go in for
unnatural connubial practices?”
“Shure now, he plays the flute, but I don’t think he knows anything
about the connubial.”
Now desperate, the solicitor pushed on. “What I’m trying to find out are
what grounds you have.”
“Bless ye, sor. We live in a flat — not even a window box, let alone
grounds.”
“Mrs. O’Connor,” the solicitor said in considerable exasperation, “you
need a reason that the court can consider. What is the reason for you
seeking this divorce?”
“Ah, well now,” said the lady, “Shure it’s because the man can’t hold an
intelligent conversation.”
A burglar is in big trouble
A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.”I can see you, and so can Jesus!”The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!””So what,” says the burglar, “you’re only a parrot!”To which the parrot replies, “Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!”
Sexual Position
Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
Apologetic Spouse
Mrs. Riley, you say you divorced your husband 6 years ago, but you have a newborn infant and children 1, 2, 3, and 4 years old. How come?
Well, every year, he comes back to apologize.
Bananas
As part of the admission procedure in the hospital where I work, I ask the patients if they are allergic to anything. If they are, I print it on an allergy band placed on the patient’s wrists.
Once when I asked an elderly woman if she had any allergies, she said she couldn’t eat bananas. Imagine my surprise when several hours later a very irate son came out to the nurses’ station demanding, “Who’s responsible for labeling my mother “Bananas?”
Drowning
Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim
Finnegan arrives at her door. “Brenda, may I come in?” he asks.
“I’ve somethin’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But
where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an
accident down at the Guiness brewery…”
“Oh, God no!” cries Brenda. “Please don’t tell me…”
“I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I’m
sorry.”
Finally, she looked up at Tim. “How did it happen, Tim?”
“It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guiness Stout
and drowned.”
Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me true, Tim. Did he at
least go quickly?”
“Well, no Brenda… no.”
“No?”
“Fact is, he got out three times to pee.”
Creative Writing Class
A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements: – religion – royalty – sex – mystery
The prize-winning essay read:
“My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?”