What is the difference between a blonde and an inflatable doll?
About two cans of hair spray
Author: admin
Q: How many bluegrass
Q: How many bluegrass musicians it takes to change a light bulb?A: They don’t. They only use acoustic light bulbs.
Watching the couch
Your mamma is so stupid she sits on the telly and watches the couch
The one who says it
The one who says it can’t be done should never interrupt the one doing it.
Un nuevo rico hab�a enviado
Un nuevo rico hab�a enviado a su hijo peque�o a Viena para que le ense�aran a tocar el viol�n.
Cuando el hijo regresa, a los dos a�os, le pide a un amigo mel�mano que lo escuche y d� su opini�n. As� lo hacen y despu�s de que el ni�o ha tocado el viol�n, el padre pregunta al amigo:
“�Qu� te parece la ejecuci�n?”
“Hombre, un poco fuerte. Yo creo que dos bofetadas ser�an suficiente”.
My last drink
An Irish man walks into a pub. The bartender asks him, “what’ll you have?” The
man says, “Give me three pints of Guinness please.” So the bartender brings him
three pints and the man proceeds to alternately sip one, then the other, then
the third until they’re gone. He then orders three more. The bartender says,
“Sir, I know you like them cold. You don’t have to order three at a time. I can
keep an eye on it and when you get low I’ll bring you a fresh cold one.” The man
says, “You don’t understand. I have two brothers, one in Australia and one in
the States. We made a vow to each other that every Saturday night we’d still
drink together. So right now, my brothers have three Guinness Stouts too, and
we’re drinking together. The bartender thought that was a wonderful tradition.
Every week the man came in and ordered three beers. Then one week he came in and
ordered only two. He drank them and then ordered two more. The bartender said to
him, “I know what your tradition is, and I’d just like to say that I’m sorry
that one of your brothers died.” The man said, “Oh, me brothers are fine – I
just quit drinking.”
Having an Affair
Offerings had been down the past several Sundays and the preacher
decided he had to do something to change the trend. The next Sunday, as
the plate was being passed he said…
“Brothers and Sisters, I don’t like to have to do this, but there is a
man in the congregation who is having an affair with another parishioner’s wife, and if there is not at least five dollars in the collection, I will reveal his name.
Later, as he counted the money he found 2O five dollar bills, and a two
dollar bill with a note that read “Forever hold your peace, I’ll have
that other three dollars before sundown.”
Q: How many Hobbits
Q: How many Hobbits does it take to change a lightbulb?A: 1 to complain that the lightbulb isn’t working, 5 to hold a meeting to decide what to do about it, 20 to form an expedition to the fabled Lightbulb Mines of Mythrill, 30 to throw a going-away party, 1 to ask Gandalf for directions, 1 to sell into slavery when the directions aren’t stuck to, and they end up in entirely the wrong part of the country, and ready cash runs low, 5 get lost through natural wastage (bandits, murderers, monsters, etc,) 1 to be thrown to the Dragon that guards the Lightbulb hoarde, 1 to be thrown to the dragon to cover the retreat, 2 to carry the box of lightbulbs, 5 to find a large, sword-wielding barbarian to escort them home with the lightbulbs, another 30 to throw a safe-return party, 5 to get rid of the barbarian, who in typical style, got drunk at the party, 5 to find an Elf in the neighbourhood tall enough to change the lightbulb, one elf, and 5 to compose ballads of derring-do, heroism, sacrifice and lightbulbs. A grand total of 118.
A man calls
A man calls his mother in Florida. “Mom, how are you?” “Not too good,” says
the mother. “I’ve been very weak.” The son says, “Why are you so weak?” She
says, “Because I haven’t eaten in 5 days.” The man says, “That’s terrible! Why
haven’t you eaten in 5 days? The mother answers, “Because I didn’t want my mouth
to be filled with food if you should call.”
People born in 1982…
Just in case you weren’t feeling too old today, this will certainly change things.
Each year the staff at Beloit College in Wisconsin puts together a list to try to give the Faculty a sense of the mind set of this year’s incoming freshman.
Here is this year’s list:
The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1982.
They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan Era and probably did not know he had ever been shot.
They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged. Black Monday, 1987 is as significant to them as the Great Depression.
There has been only one Pope.
They were 11 when the Soviet Union broke apart and do not remember the Cold War.
They have never feared a nuclear war.
They are too young to remember the space shuttle blowing up.
Tianamen Square means nothing to them.
Bottle caps have always been screw off and plastic.
Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums.
The expression (you sound like a broken record) means nothing to them.
They have never owned a record player.
They have likely never played Pac Man and have never heard of Pong.
They may have never heard of an 8 track. The Compact Disc was introduced when they were 1 year old.
As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 33 cents.
They have always had an answering machine.
Most have never seen a TV set with only 13 channels, nor have they seen a black and white TV.
They have always had cable.
There have always been VCRs, but they have no idea what BETA was.
They cannot fathom not having a remote control, let alone one with a cord.
They don’t know what a cloth baby diaper is, or know about the ‘Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up’ commercial.
Feeling old Yet? There’s more:
They were born the year that the Walkman was introduced by Sony.
Roller skating has always meant inline for them.
Jay Leno has always been on the Tonight Show.
They have no idea when or why Jordache jeans were cool.
Popcorn has always been cooked in the microwave.
They have never seen Larry Bird play.
They never took a swim and thought about Jaws.
The Vietnam War is as ancient history to them as WWI, WWII and the Civil War.
They have no idea that Americans were ever held hostage in Iran.
They can’t imagine what hard contact lenses are.
They don’t know who Mork was or where he was from.
They never heard: ‘Where’s the beef?’, ‘I’d walk a mile for a Camel,’ or ‘De plane, de plane!’.
They do not care who shot J. R. and have no idea who J.R. was.
The Titanic was found? They thought we always knew.
Michael Jackson has always been white.
Kansas, Chicago, Boston, America, and Alabama are places, not rock bands.
McDonalds never came in styrofoam containers.
There has always been MTV.
They don’t have a clue how to use a typewriter.
School Daze
One day a nursery school teacher says to the class, “Who can
use the word DEFINITELY in a sentence?
A little girl jumps up and says… “The sky is definitely
blue!” The teacher
replies, “Oh Sorry Amy, but the sky can
also be gray, or orange…”
A little boy quickly says…”Trees are definitely green!”
Teacher replies,
“Oh Sorry Michael, but in the autumn the
trees change color…”
Little Johnny from the back of the class stands up and shouts,
“Does a fart have lumps?”
The teacher looks horrified and says, “Johnny! Of course
not!!!”
“Then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants!”
Engine trouble
As the huge jumbo jet neared the airport, the captain’s voice came over the loud speaker, “Ladies and Gentlemen, we are currently experiencing technical difficulty with the # 4 engine, which will delay our landing, by about a half an hour”.
A mechanically inept executive traveller turns to his heighbor and says, ” I hope they don’t have a problem with the other three engines, I’m far too busy to be up here all day…!”
Submitted by Admin
Edited by Curtis