A blonde wife ran into her house and yelled, “Honey, someone just stole our car.”
The husband asked, “Did you get a good look at him?”
“No,” the blonde replied. “But I got the lcense plate number.”
Author: admin
A street person approached a passerby. “Sir,…
A street person approached a passerby. “Sir, would you give
me $100 for a cup of coffee?”
“That’s ridiculous!” the man said huffily.
“Just a yes or no, buddy,” the beggar growled. “I don’t
need a damn lecture about how to run my business.”
A quote on marriage
Marriage is an institution–but who wants to live in an institution?
The Doc’s affair.
A doctor from Canada was having an affair with one of his female co-workers.
One day she announced to him that she was pregnant with his child. The doctor gave her enough money to fly to California and live their until the child was born. He gave her instructions to send him a postcard with the word SAURKRAUT on it when she gave birth.
About nine months later the doctor arrived home when his wife handed him a postcard. “Here”, she said. “This came in the mail today”.
The doctor took the postcard and it read… SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT SAURKRAUT TWO WITH WEINERS & ONE WITHOUT!
Learning to Swear
Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it’s time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, “Okay, you say `ass’ and I’ll say `hell’.”
All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they’d like for breakfast.
“Aw, hell,” says the eight-year-old, “gimme some Cheerios.”
His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother.
“What’ll you have?”
“I dunno,” quavers the six-year-old, “but you can bet your ass it ain’t gonna be Cheerios!”
four parachutes
An airplane was about to crash, and there were 5 passengers on board, but only 4 parachutes. The first passenger, George W. Bush said, “I am the President of the United States, and I have a great responsibility, being leader of nearly 300 million people and a superpower.” So he takes the first parachute and jumps out of the plane.The second passenger said, “I’m Antoine Walker, one of the best NBA basketball players, and the Boston Celtics need me so I can’t afford to die.” So he takes the second parachute and leaves the plane.The third passenger, Hillary Clinton, said, “I am the wife of the former President of the United States, I am New York’s Senator, and I am the smartest woman in the world”. So she takes the third parachute and exits the plane.The fourth passenger, an old man, says to the fifth passenger, a 12-year-old Boy Scout, “I am old and frail and I don’t have many years left so as a Christian gesture and a good deed, I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last parachute.”The Boy Scout said, “It’s okay, there’s a parachute left for you. The world’s smartest woman took my backpack.”
Male Strippers
So the other day in Cleveland, a Total Blond went with friends to a ‘Ladies Night Club’ [think Chippendales]. One of the women wanted to impress her pals so she pulled out a $10 bill. The dancer came over, she licked the $10 and stuck it on his butt. Not to be outdone, the next woman pulls out a $50 bill. She called the guy back over, licks the $50 bill, and sticks it on his other butt cheek. Now the attention is focused on The Blond. What could she do to top that? She got out her wallet, thought for a minute, then the ‘shopper’ in her took over. She got her ATM card, swiped it down his crack, grabbed the 60 bucks, and went home.
What do they do for Sex?
Once there was this man named Bob. He was an American fighter
sent to Afghanistn to fight this war.
A month goes by and he is getting lonely. He hasnt had any sex
in a month. Things are really bad out there and he finally can
stand it anymore. Bob goes up to his sargent and says
“Sargent…things are really bad out her and i was
wondering…what do we do for sex?”. The sargent laughs and
replies “Well see that camel out there..?”. Bob yells “oh No! No
way im doing that!”. Bob runs out back into his tent.
Two months later. It was a cold night, Bob is laying in hi bed
and he just cant take it anymore. So he runs outside. Pulls down
his pants and screws the camel like he never screwed anything
before. He goes buck wild with the camel.
The next morning he walks up to his sargent and says “Well last
night i had sex with that camel, and i have to admit it was the
best sex i have ever had.” The sargent smiles and puts his hand
on Bob’s arm and says “Im happy for you son, but most guys just
ride into town.”
I Wish
There was three guys stranded on an island, they find a magic lamp in the sand, they pick it up and rub it, a genie comes out and says “you each have one wish”.
The first guy says “I wish I was ten times smarter than I was before”. So he get into the water and swims to land.
The second guy says “I wish I was twenty times smarter than I was before”, So he builds a boat and rows to land.
The third guy says “I wish I was one-hundred tims smarter than I was before”. So he turns into a woman and walks across the bridge.
AL GORE I am!
Can we count them with our nose?
Can we count them with our toes?
Should we count them with a band?
Should we count them all by hand?
If I do not like the count,
I will simply throw them out.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like them, AL GORE I am!
Can we change these numbers here?
Can we change them, calm my fears?
What do you mean, Dubya has won?
This is not fair, this is not fun.
Let’s count them upside down this time.
Let’s count until the state is mine.
I will not let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, AL GORE I am!
I’m really ticked, I’m in a snit.
You have not heard the last of it.
I’ll count the ballots one by one.
And hold each one up to the sun.
I’ll count, recount, and count some more.
You’ll grow to hate this little chore.
But I will not, cannot let this vote count stand.
I do not like it, Al Gore I am!
I won’t leave office, I’m stayin’ here.
I’ve glued my desk chair to my rear.
Tipper, Hillary, and Bubba, too,
all telling me that I should sue.
We find the Electoral College vile.
Re-count the votes until I smile.
We do not want this vote to stand.
We do not like it, AL GORE I am!
Leave the car where?
The Chief and Deputy were sitting down to their usual cup of morning coffee listening to the weather report coming over the radio. “There will be 3 to 5 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the odd numbered side of the streets. Chief gets up from his coffee and says, “Jeez, okay.”
Two days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of morning coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 2 to 4 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the even numbered side of the streets.” Chief gets up from his coffee and says, “Jeez, okay.”
Three days later, again they both are sitting down with their cups of coffee and the weather forecast is, “There will be 6 to 8 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the…” and then the power went out and Chief didn’t get the rest of the instructions. He says to the Deputy, “Jeez, what am I going to do now?”
The Deputy replies, “Aw Chief, just leave the car in the garage.”
Submitted by Calamjo
Edited by Curtis
Dirty
What do you call a white boy in a dumpster ?
A:white trash