Author: admin

Am I Home

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George W. Bush and his veep running mate, Dick Cheney were talking, when
George W. said, “I hate all the dumb George W. jokes people tell about me.”

Wise Old Cheney, feeling sorry for his old boss kid, said sage-like, “Oh, they
are only jokes. There are a lot of stupid people out there. Here, I’ll prove it
to you.”

Now Cheney, to patronize George W, took him outside and hailed a taxi driver.

“Please take me to 29 Nickel Street to see if I’m home,” said Cheney.

The cab driver without saying a word drove them to Nickel Street, and when
they finally got out, Cheney looked at George W. and said, “See! That guy was
really stupid.”

“No kidding,” replied George W. “There was a pay phone just around the corner.
You could have called instead.”

El hombre descubri� el vidrio

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El hombre descubri� el vidrio e invent� la botella.

La mujer descubri� el vidrio e invent� el espejo.

El hombre descubri� la baraja y ah� mismo invent� el juego.

La mujer descubri� la baraja e invent� la brujer�a.

El hombre descubri� la palabra e invent� la conversaci�n.

La mujer descubri� la conversaci�n y ah� mismo invent� el chisme.

El hombre descubri� el dinero e invent� el comercio.

La mujer descubri� el comercio e invent� el cr�dito.

El hombre descubri� la comida e invent� el almuerzo y la cena.

La mujer descubri� el almuerzo y la cena e invent� la empleada dom�stica.

El hombre descubri� a la mujer e invent� el sexo.

La mujer descubri� el sexo e invent� el matrimonio.

El hombre descubri� el trabajo e invent� el salario.

La mujer descubri� el salario y ah� la cagamos.

Losing the Car's

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I have a friend who filled his car with gas at a self-service gas station.After he had paid and driven away, he realized that he had left the gas cap on top of his car.He stopped and looked and, sure enough, it was lost.Well, he thought for a second and realized that other people must have done the same thing, and that it was worth going back to look by the side of the road since even if he couldn’t find his own gas cap, he might be able to find one that fit.He hadn’t been searching long when, sure enough, he found a gas cap.He tried it on, and it went into place with a satisfying click.”Great,” he thought, “I lost my gas cap, but I found another one that fits. And this one’s even better because it locks.”

Don’t Know Shit

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Two strangers are sitting in an adjacent seats in airplane.

One guy says to the other, “Let’s talk. I hear that the flight will go

faster if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger.”

The other guy, who had just opened a good book, closes it slowly, takes off

his glasses and asks, “What would you like to discuss?”

The first guy says, “Oh, I don’t know; how about Nuclear Power?”

The other guy says, “OK, that could make for some pretty interesting

conversation. But let me ask you a question first:

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff, but the deer excretes

pellets; the cow, big patties; and the horse, clumps of dried grass. Why is

that?”

The first guy says, “I don’t know.”

The other guy says, “Oh? Well then, do you really think you’re qualified

to discuss Nuclear Power when you don’t know shit?”

Hypnotist Session

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The town fathers were looking for a way to increase attendance
and participation at their regular meetings. One member
suggested bringing in a hypnotist. The officials agreed. A
famous hypnotist was hired. The event was publicized around
town. Everyone was pleased.

A few weeks later the meeting hall was packed, and the
townspeople sat fascinated as the hypnotist withdrew a pocket
watch. The hypnotist began chanting: “Watch the watch, watch the
watch, watch the watch…” Hundreds of pairs of eyes followed
the swaying watch, until suddenly the hypnotist’s fingers
slipped and the watch fell to the floor. “Shit,” said the
hypnotist. It took the town 3 weeks to clean up the mess.

Your Starship Captain Might Be a Redneck If…

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Your shuttlecraft has been up on blocks for over a month.
He paints flames and a NRA sticker on the warp nacelles.
You have a shuttle called “Billy Joe Bob”.
He refers to Klingons as “Critters”.
He refers to Photon Torpedoes as “Popguns”.
He has the sensor array repaired with a bent coathanger and aluminum foil.
He installs a set of bullhorns on the front of the saucer section.
He says “Got your ears on, good buddy” instead of “open hailing frequencies”.
He hangs fuzzy dice over the viewscreen.
He rewires his communicator into his belt buckle.
He keeps a six-pack under his command chair and a gun rack above it.
He says “Yee-Ha!” instead of “Engage”.
He has a hand-tooled holster for his phaser.
He insists on calling his executive officer “Bubba”.
He sets the fore viewscreen to reruns of “Bassmaster”.
He programs the food replicator for beer, ribs, and turnip greens.
He paints the starship John Deere green.
He refers to a Pulsar as a “Blue Light Special”.
He refers to the Mutara Nebula as a “swamp”.
His moonshine is stronger than Romulan Ale.
He sings “Lucille” instead of “Kathleen”.
His idea of dress uniform is CLEAN bib overalls.
He wears mirrored shades on the Bridge.
His idea of a “gas giant” is that big ol’ XO Bubba after a meal of beans and weenies.
He sets phaser to “Cajun”.

Little girl

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A French woman took her little daughter to the Louvre where they saw a statue of a nude male.

‘What is that?’ asked the child pointing to the penis.

‘Nothing, nothing at all, cherie,’ replied the mother.

‘I want one,’ said the child.

The mother tried to focus her daughter’s attention on a more suitable subject, but the little girl persisted.

‘I want one just like that,’ she kept repeating.

At last the mother said, ‘if you are a good girl and stop thinking about it now, when you grow up, you will have one.’

‘And if I’m bad?’ asked the little one.

‘Then,’ sighed the mother, ‘you will have many.’